Some of you may have seen my recent post on language, and know the fact that I sometimes lapse into my “Mother Tongue.” For me Texan is the one true language. However, I do understand that for some people that language is enigmatic.

Let me try to translate a few of the more common terms:

1. A Texan might exclaim “I tell you what!” Your ears will hear as “Ah te’ yew whut!” It’s a bit like saying, “Well, my goodness!” Depending on the inflection, it can express pleasure, disgust, or dismay. Don’t sit waiting for an answer; a true Texan never actually “tells you what.”
2. Another expression that is very versatile is “Boy Howdy!” It can express all of the emotions above as well as anger or awe.
3. If a person is called a “ring-tailed tooter” s/he is not a person with excessive gas. Used affectionately, it can mean that the person is very energetic or funny, but it can also be used to express that a person is out of control or bad beyond belief. “A real piece of work” is an interchangeable expression. Used in a conversation: “That Britney Spears is a ring-tailed tooter, ain’t she?.” Which statement would be answered by “Ah te’ yew whut!” or “Boy Howdy!”
4. If someone is described as “a half a bubble off plumb,” that means that they are a bit crazy or not quite right in the head. The term comes from the world of carpentry or stone masonry where a spirit level is used to determine how level (horizontally straight) or plumb (vertically straight) a surface is.
5. You might hear Texans say the term “swing a dead cat,” however I can assure you that even cat lovers might use the expression. I’m not sure how to define it exactly, but used in a sentence it might sound like this: “You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a Starbucks [Coffee House] around here.” Your uninitiated foreign ears might hear “Y’all cain’t swang a dead cat ‘thout hitt’n’ a Starbucks ‘round hyar.” That, of course, is the proper pronunciation.
6. “If you put her brains in a bluejay it would fly backwards,” means that she is not very smart.
7. Someone who has imbibed too much alcohol might be called “drunker than old Cooter Brown.” Y’all might be wondering who Cooter Brown was. Unfortunately, you will have to keep on wondering, because that is lost to history; but he must have been an alcoholic.
8. Someone who is “all hat and no cattle” might be very boastful, but with nothing about which to brag.
9. You might hear something that sounds like “I mona.” Texan tongues can be very lazy. That expression means “I’m going to” or “I’m gonna,” as in “I mona get another cup of coffee.”
10. If someone says, “I don’t care if it hare-lips the governor,” that usually means that they don’t care about the outcome at all! You don’t have to use the whole phase; it is just as effective to say, “I mona eat that third piece of cake if it hare-lips the governor.” Around here, we will know what you mean.
11. In polite society, when I was growing up, people did not use curse words in mixed company; therefore there were many creative expressions to avoid it. My Mamaw (grandmother) never “swore,” because it is not ladylike to swear and the Bible says thou shalt not. But she was known to”swan” a lot. Use “Well I swan” instead of “Well, I swear!” My Papaw (grandfather) would never say,” By God” in front of women or children, but he often uttered something that sounded like “I Gotties,” and we knew exactly what he meant. If either of them were really angry, they said, “Well, I’ll be John Brown” which to a Southerner of their time meant, “I’ll be damned.” John Brown didn’t get much respect in the South. Even liberal Texans (there are some of us here) sometimes still use this phrase. The Brown family often had their name used in vain, didn’t they?
12. My Daddy often used the phrase, “Whatever blows your dress up,” meaning “do whatever you like.” I think it came from the famous incident with Marilyn Monroe’s skirt, so it may not be strictly Texan. But, if we don’t like something we say, “that don’t blow my dress up.”[Keep in mind that grown men and women in Texas refer to their parents “Momma” and “Daddy.”]
13. “If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.” That piece of sage advice simply means that if you aren’t capable of completing a task, don’t do it.

This list could go on forever, but it is my experience that vocabulary words are best learned in small doses. I look forward to your comments. To help you learn the language, you can try to comment using one of the phrases listed above. Or, you can share an equivalent phrase and its definition from your neck of the woods. If the list “don’t blow your dress up,” you don’t have to comment at all.