Thursday Thirteen #6 I Should Have Known Better

Last week, I did a silly post about bacon. But, this week I feel it necessary to give y’all some more serious information about the Life Lessons that I have learned. It isn’t a short post (as if any of mine ever are), but I can’t talk about life in 100 words or less. I know y’all are in a hurry to get around to other blogs and leave your link, so if you want, just read the first three. If you read those and don’t think you need to know more, feel free to just go ahead and hit the comment box, leave your comment (your link will magically appear at the bottom of the page, even without Mr. Linky) and you can come again another day.

Just in case y’all have a short attention span today, I’ll give you the “moral” first, because everybody needs morals: “It doesn’t matter how embarrassing or awful a situation might be, because someday you might get a story about it.”

1) One little word can make all the difference. I placed Google ads on my Blogger site, but didn’t understand the concept of “keywords” very well. I wrote a post about shaving my legs. The next thing you know, the ad box beside that post was listing ads about “shaving your pubic hair.” I was mortified! I had not mentioned a thing at all about, about, about…that! Then, a friend mentioned, “Shelly, a post earlier on the page was titled, ‘Leave it to Beaver….’” There you go. Those keywords are important to remember, people.

2) Pride goeth before a fall. My Big Bubba, my sister-in-law and I were skiing at Lake Texoma. I was so proud, because at fourteen years old, my Daddy had put me in charge of the ski boat. And, he reminded me, “Now, gal, the Shore Patrol has been stopping people, so you make sure you have everything in the boat that’s supposed to be in there.” I had checked the list twice: an oar, a fire extinguisher, life jackets for everyone, etc. My brother was skiing as I drove the boat. He took a fall, and when I circled back to get him, sure enough, here came the Shore Patrol boat. I was in charge. I was on top of things. That skinny little fourteen year old me stood up in her bikini and called out, “What do y’all want to see?” From the water came my Big Bubba’s voice addressing his wife, “Honey, don’t you show them anything.”

3) Know your audience. When I was a very shy (very “young”) nineteen years old, and married to my first husband, we were invited to an evening with some of his co-workers from California. I may have told you that I’m rather proud of my Texas heritage, so I listened with growing discontent as these foreigners made fun of my people and my state. I don’t always talk with a Texas accent, so they didn’t really have a clue that I was Native born. They were giggling and mocking the way we talk, the way we dress, the food we eat. My ex-husband, who was also born in Texas, was laughing right along with them! I tell you what, I got my “dander up.” I didn’t know who these people were, but they had no “bidness” making fun of Texas. Finally, I smiled sweetly and drawled, very loudly, to the big man next to me, “I guess y’all wouldn’t care to hear what my Daddy has to say about Yankees and Californians would you?” He laughed and indicated that they would. So, I told them all, and there was a lot of pent-up sass in my voice: “My Daddy says that y’all are like hemorrhoids. If you come down and go back, everything is all right. But, if you come down and stay, you’re a pain in the a**.” There was shocked silence while everyone looked at that big man beside me. Then he broke out laughing, and grabbed me in a bear hug. He said, “I like your style.” Everyone seemed relieved. Then, I found out that the big man was really The Big Man! He was El Jefe—The Boss! Fortunately, he did like my style, and he didn’t fire my ex just because I was a little outspoken.

4) Always listen to instructions. My grandmother had told me that a vinegar rinse would make my hair shiny. I didn’t listen to the instructions very well. I poured half a bottle of vinegar on my hair and proceeded to roll my hair on orange juice cans (this was the 60s, people, and that was what girls did to make their hair straight). I had not rinsed the vinegar from my hair. I went out to lie in the sun and a dog came sniffing around. One whiff of that vinegar and he lifted his hind leg. He “baptized” me right then and there.

5) Look in the mirror before you walk out the door. I was accepting a prestigious award that night, and wanted to look my best. Much of the community would be at this function, as well as photographers from the press. My vanity kicked in big time. There was a wonderful filmy and sparkly blouse in the back of my closet that still fit me, even though I was seven months pregnant, so I decided that was just the ticket. That evening, I was grinning ear to ear when I accepted the award on stage to the blinding flash of the cameras. After I stepped off the stage, a little old lady pulled me aside. She pulled me down and whispered, “Honey, do you know your blouse was see-through under those lights?” The next day, there I was in the newspapers in my sparkly blouse, with my white maternity bra showing through. Trust me, it wasn’t pretty.

6) Don’t open the box, Pandora. For lack of a storage area, I had placed my Great Granddaddy’s old camel back trunk on our back porch. I was sweeping the porch, and what looked like little honeybees seemed to be everywhere. One of them flew in the keyhole of that trunk, and I thought, “I can’t have that!” I opened the box. Inside the lid was a hornet’s nest as big as a football! They were not amused that I had shed light on the situation. I discovered that when a hornet stings you, it hangs on until you smack it dead. In fact, I discovered that many times over.

7) One tiny thread can hold the Whole World together. I was telling stories at a national festival! That was only about the biggest thing that had happened to my career. Just before I stepped on stage, I noticed that I had a thread dangling from the side seam of my blouse. Yes, I did. I pulled it. And, I wasn’t watching what I was doing because I was busy eyeing the audience. They got an eyeful of me, too, because the whole side seam came unraveled. A friend loaned me his jacket so I could go onstage because the show must go on. Pity I had to put on such a show!

Listen to your gut. My stomach was upset as I headed out the door for a full day of storytelling in front of rowdy little 5th graders. I didn’t stop at the medicine cabinet before I walked out the door. Halfway through the morning, I felt that bloated cramping of my stomach in distress. But, my schedule was packed so tightly that I couldn’t take time for a “pit stop.” I didn’t need gas, though. I had enough “gas in the tank.” Suddenly, I sneezed….Oh, Lord, no. People, you would have thought I was auditioning to be a foghorn. That was the loudest and longest passing of gas I have ever experienced in my life. Those 5th grade boys were rolling on the floor laughing. I just said, “I hate it when that happens, don’t you.” They thought it was all part of the show. It’s been said that I am full of hot air, so I do my best to prove it.

9) Don’t tell everything you know. I was at my Grandmommy’s house and had lost a tooth that day. I was pretty excited about the money I would find under my pillow that night. It might be a Grandmommy and my Aunt La Verta were in the kitchen peeling potatoes for supper, and I was listening in on the grownup conversation. I heard mention of The Easter Bunny, and then noticed my Grandmommy motioning for my Aunt to be silent. Aunt La Verta said, “Oh, it’s all right. Shelly knows all about the Easter Bunny, don’t you.” Not being one to admit she doesn’t know something, I said, “Well sure I do.” So, they went on talking. Wide-eyed I listened as they revealed to me the Truth about not just the Easter Bunny, but Santa Claus AND the Tooth Fairy! Well, lickety split I went to join my younger cousin David in the yard, and I told him ALL of the knowledge I had just gleaned. He said, “Nuh unhh!” And, marched right inside to question my Grandmommy and my Aunt. They were pretty unhappy that I had pretended to know something I didn’t, but angrier that I had blabbed about it and ruined it for my little cousin. The Tooth Fairy was conspicuously absent that night. Because I had spilled the beans, after that the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus no longer felt compelled to spend big bucks on presents. Because of my running off at the mouth, the magic was gone.

10) Read the signs. Again, I had gotten into one of my fancy outfits for a storytelling shindig. I did my hair Dallas style—tall and big. I rarely put on makeup, but this time I did it up right, false eyelashes, red lipstick and all. A friend phoned and asked me to drop by the airport and pick up a couple who had flown in for the conference. He said, “Just carry a sign that says ‘Storytelling.’” Well, as I am ever the one to go overboard on a project, I made a huge fancy sign. I paraded around the baggage claim area with that sign above my head, smiling and looking for my passengers. A well dressed man in a business suit walked over. He asked, “How much do you charge for a bedtime story?” I threw that sign on the ground and said, “Mr., I’m a member of one of the world’s oldest professions, but that’s not the one!” I never found my passengers that night. They had gotten tired of waiting, and took a cab. When I told them of my experience, the woman squeezed my hand and said, “At least you know that if the storytelling doesn’t work out, you have something to fall back on.” Fortunately, I never had to do so.

11) Just say “no.” On Highway 281, the State has a checkpoint for illegal aliens. I was driving back from a week long tour in the Valley with my little car loaded down. I had a spinning wheel, a four-harness loom, a stool, three huge tubs that held a display of fibers and fabrics, two suitcases with all my clothes, my computer, a box of books, a file bucket with my work, a cooler and God only knows what else. There was no room for an alien in my car, there was barely room for me. Exhausted, antsy, and “feeling my oats” a little after a performance in front of high school kids, I pulled into the checkpoint. The uniformed officer asked me to state my business, as he suspiciously eyed my car. I told him I was a storyteller and had been in schools telling kids how to take hair and make something to wear. He asked, “Do you have any contraband in this car?” I giggled, thinking about that stalk of hemp and the hemp fiber I show the kids in my program. “Just a little bit of hemp,” I said. Now, I thought he would let me explain that, but nooooo! He had me out of that car so fast my head was spinning. The officers took my car apart and had the dogs sniffing everywhere. They made it very clear that the law has no sense of humor. It took me an hour to pack it all back in so I could get on my way. Mama always told me to keep my big mouth shut.

12) Patience is a Virtue. I was with my librarian friends at the fancy schmancy Hotel Adolphus in Dallas. That night, I was to be a featured speaker at the statewide library convention. We were all gussied up, and I had on a gold glittery evening gown (can y’all tell that I love to sparkle?). I was due at the stage for a microphone check, but those librarians felt the need to go back upstairs and re-apply their lipstick after their meal. I waited impatiently in the lobby. The clock was ticking, people, and I am anal retentive about being late anywhere. Finally, exasperated, I hailed a cab. What a piece of junk! It was a beaten up old station wagon that was so encrusted with filth on the back seat that I sat on my purse instead of the seat. The driver pretended he didn’t speak English, but he knew darn well where I said I wanted to go. And, since I was from the area, I knew he was taking me a round about way to get there. I was fuming. We finally pulled up at the convention center behind a long black limousine. As I stepped out of the cab, I saw the occupants of the limousine step out. It was my librarian friends! They saw the look on my face and fell over laughing. They said, “Shelly, if you could have just been patient, you could have come with us! We came downstairs, and panicked when we saw you were gone. The nice limousine driver offered us a free ride!” Story of my life people.

13) Read the fine print. I was on my own, newly separated, struggling to earn enough money to pay my bills. That meant I had to travel away from my boys. I wanted to keep connected to them via e-mail in the hotel rooms every morning and each night. Wireless internet access was not widely available then, in fact the rooms I was staying in didn’t have a separate internet access. I had to plug in to the phone line and dial-up. The hotel wanted me to pay exorbitant phone charges, and I thought “My eye!” No way was I going to let that hotel make a killing off of me. So I used a handy dandy phone card that ATT had given me to connect because they didn’t charge as much. But, the hotel’s phone system kept knocking me off-line, and I had to keep dialing again to reconnect. Sometimes ten or twelve times at a sitting! What I had not bothered to find out is that there was a $3.50 fee every time I used that card! By the time I returned from a two week road trip, I had racked up $800 in phone charges on that handy dandy phone card, which was more than the rent on my apartment for the month. But, that darn hotel didn’t get to make a killing off of me!

I know nothing like these have ever happened to any of y’all, have they?

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2. Thursday Thirteen—The Saga of the Hotel from Hell
3. Thursday Thirteen #10—Excuses
4. Amish Cell Phone
5. Thursday Thirteen # 15—Don’t You Just Hate It When…

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