Several years ago, I was down to the lowest weight I had been since I had children. My friends told me that was my “divorce weight.” They were right. As soon as I got married and happy, I got fat and sassy! Well, that’s only partially true; I’ve always been sassy. At the same time, my husband started eating better meals, and he lost weight! I am not amused.
Y’all remember how Scarlett O’Hara, in Gone With The Wind, bragged about her 17 inch waist? That’s nothin’! I’ve got two of those! I don’t have a waistline—I have an equator!
Like all women, I had a closet filled with different sizes of clothes. There were what we call “skinny” clothes, and there were the “fat” clothes. Now, I have three sections: “fat,” “fatter” and “fattest.” I’ve just plumb given up on the “skinny” section. I was accepting the extra weight as “just a part of menopause.” But, lately cosmic forces are trying to tell me something.
I was dusting bookshelves and one collapsed. It was the one that held all my diet and exercise books. My “diet bookshelf” was too heavy! Have I read any of those books? Well, no I just thought they looked good on the shelf. Then, my husband found a box of stuff in the garage that I haven’t seen in six years. There were my long lost Weight Watchers books. While trying to put them away in a closet where I wouldn’t have to see them, I tripped over the Nordic Track I had been hiding in the guest bedroom. I felt guilty using it as a coat rack.
Lately, my blogging friends have been talking about diet and exercise. They are flocking to a website where they publicly list their weight and measurements each week! I’m sorry. You may think I have no shame, but I’m not about to tell the whole World Wide Web the truth of my situation here!
Last week, I had a gig at a school where I remembered the librarian as being “plump,” OK, she had been a “heifer.” She had lost weight and was now about as big as my ring finger! To top it off, I had been wearing elastic waistbands for most of the winter, and had “slipped” a little further. It had been awhile since I had gotten gussied up. That morning I had pulled pants out of the “fattest” section and had to lay flat on my back on the bed with a pair of pliers to zip them up! You can get a hernia that way, you know.
Now the final straw came night before last. I don’t know what caused the dream I had. Maybe it was that while I was flipping through the channels to find something to anesthetize myself to sleep I had glimpsed a movie with a man in prison ordering his “last meal.” That night, I dreamed of all the things I would order. I gained ten pounds in my sleep.
I don’t want to admit it, but it’s time for me to cut back. It’s time for me to start getting more exercise than just walking to the kitchen to get a bowl of ice cream. But, I want to have my “last meal.” And, I can’t decide what it should be. So y’all help me out here. Help me decide. Here, for my Thursday Thirteen, are my choices:
1) Red beans with ham hock, fried okra with lots and lots of bacon, a baked sweet potato filled with a swimming pool of melted butter (NOT margarine), cornbread and molasses to sop it in.
2) Fried crappie (that’s a fish, people), fried hush puppies, French fried potatoes, and coleslaw.
3) Fried chicken (not Kentucky fried…but real Southern fried) with smashed potatoes, corn on the cob, sliced tomatoes and fresh cantaloupe (with pepper on it, because that’s the way I like cantaloupe).
4. A huge chili cheeseburger with curly fries and lots of ketchup.
5. A side of bacon, two fried eggs (Fried hard in bacon grease with the yolks flattened. I don’t like runny eggs. I don’t like eggs to remind me they ever could have been a chicken).
6. A rib-eye steak, cooked medium well, smothered with onions and mushrooms. New potatoes with butter and parsley, sliced tomatoes, and fresh asparagus.
7. Coconut shrimp…that’s all…just plenty of it.
8. A platter of fajitas with steak, chicken, and shrimp all grilled with onions. A guacamole salad, and all the fresh homemade flour tortillas I can eat (which is many!).
9. Chicken Parmesan with a huge side salad, some Pasta Alfredo, and lots of garlic bread.
10) Vietnamese food: Bun Ga Nuong (Charbroiled Chicken with Rice Vermicelli), Cha Gio,(crispy fried spring rolls stuffed with seasoned pork) and lots of lettuces and mints to wrap it.
11) A big plate of barbecued pork ribs with a “loaded” potato, corn on the cob, and cinnamon apples.
12) Thai food: Cashew chicken with fried rice, two egg rolls, and Chicken Satay.
13) Maybe just a meal of desserts: German chocolate cake with ice cream, a slab of pecan pie, a slice of chocolate creme pie with meringue (what we call “calf-slobber”) on top, and some snickerdoodle cookies.
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My favorites are clustered together: 5, 6 and 7. The bacon and eggs and the coconut shrimp would be my top choices. Yum! I like the idea of the rib-eye but you mentioned onions and I’m not an onion girl. It would be just WRONG to scrape anything off during your last meal before your die-et. And good luck! I can’t diet, even though I now look like a fat pigeon. I have no discipline. But you stick to it!
Come on over and I’ll cook. I don’t just have to use onions…~skt
An order of each for me, please!
No, Courtney, it’s all about ME! Thanks for visiting.~skt
My gall blader is reacting just at the thought of all that fat – and it was removed a while ago. Good luck with the diet.
As you can see, I will need it!~skt
Aaah… I just started dieting (again) a month ago, so I’d love any of those! If I have to choose, it will be 9. I love chicken!
My TT lists the 13 goals of a witch, with my thoughts on them.
Well I’ll go check it out. Maybe you can find a spell to make me stop wanting these things!~skt
WOW! I’d go with either #3 or #4! Have fun!
! ~skt
Oh, the eating will be fun…it’s after it’s done that I dread
Ok, I would choose 3, I love me some southern fried chicken and I think you woudln’t be disappointed and the mashed potatoes…mmmmmmmmmmm! If that doesn’t do it for you I’d move on to #6 as I love steak and fresh garden potatoes are the BEST! and if that still doesn’t satisify you…go for #13 girl and just indulge!!!!! A supper of desserts so decadent, so sinful….you may need to confess after but it’d be worth it.
If it were me, I’d be such a piggie that I’d combine either one of the main meals with the numaber 13, hey if it’s going to be your last meal then bring it on! Pass the butter and have a couple of dinner rolls to boot!
Have fun with your last supper, you’ll have to tell us what you select and maybe you can make us drool with some pics…hmmmmmmmm!
Thank goodness I’m not a Catholic, Sweet Tea. I never confess ANYTHING. I’m thinking about working my way through all of it! ~skt
Hah! Watch your google ads now – too funny!
Well they had something about Heaven and Hell when I looked. They change constantly. At least it’s not about shaving pubic hair…oops, now the Gogglebots will pick up on that.~skt
Number 3 sounds the yummiest to me!
Number 3 is good…especially if the chicken is fried just right! Thanks for the visit.~skt
Here; have some Google love: DESSERT. Chocolate. Cake. Ice cream. Brownies.
Ooh, I am SO there with you, I’ll even bake it all!
Best of luck; the best diet advice I ever heard came from a local nutritionist: eat three bites less. Believe it or not, it really does work.
Eat three bites less? Is that all I have to do? I COULD do that! Hmmm. Maybe not.~skt
I’d have to say go with the steak, but I fell in love with hushpuppies while visiting the South years back, so that would be my second option. Choices, choices. It’s too tough to call.
Choices are ONE of my problems, too, Cordia! I was hoping you folks could help me, but obviously you are all having my same problem. I guess I’ll just have to eat it all! ~skt
I would like to place an order for #8 and #13! BTW we can never eat fried eggs together, I like mine sunny side up with ketchup in the oozing yolk, yum, yum.
We could eat fried eggs together, Jen, I just wouldn’t be able to stomach watching you! HEY, there’s an idea! It might make me lose my appetite!
~skt
You’re intro had me rolling on the floor! I can SOOOO relate…
My last meal (or one of ‘em, anyway) would be a beautifully marinated beef tenderloin, bbq’d to medium perfection on the grill smothered in garlic-butter mushrooms and a salad made from fresh greens, scallions, garden-picked cucumber and roma tomatoes, topped with crumbled feta cheese.
Ahhh,… now I’m hungry.
Then, c’mon over, Wylie. I think I’m going to have to start cooking. Your last meal sounds good. Maybe I’ll have to put it as #14 lol~skt
Number 6. Absolutely. But, have them wrap the steak in bacon first. Seriously. It’s to DIE for. Yum, yum. If you don’t do that, go for number 3. (I’m opposite of Tea Mouse. We should each have our top while you eat one of each…)
I laughed so loud at the line “My “diet bookshelf” was too heavy!” that I think I woke a child. You are a RIOT my friend!
I’m going to bare my purse… I’m still pondering a “creative” way to display it for the picture as opposed to just dumping it… photography IS my pursuit so I feel I must put my own spin on it… Night, night!
Yes, you would get creative instead of just dumping. Show us ALL up, go ahead. It will be worth it. I’m glad someone got the jokes I was putting in. I put them in for my own edification, and am always delighted if someone sees them. Of course, since you went into my archives and read everything I wrote, you were probably watching for it!
~skt
1 & 4 sound good to me!
A beans and ham girl? That’s really my favorite, but don’t tell anyone. That chili cheeseburger is getting lots of votes.~skt
I would go with chicken. Fried or parm.
I bought a new camera and have been walking everywhere to take pictures. Creative exercise! Just an idea for ya.
That might work, Nancy, but I take such yukky pictures I’d get discouraged. Thanks for the suggestion, though, and for stopping by.~skt
I’m not a big fan of fried stuff, so I’m voting for dessert. Now, if you’d had lobster smothered in butter and potato salad on your list, I’d be all over that!
Eww! Lobster? They watch you while you eat! Can’t do it. Guess I’ll have to go for dessert! ~skt
Fries.
Cheese sticks. Good ones.
But personally go to Weight Watchers where you can eat real food. I’m over 200 lbs, and coming down. Good luck!
I’ll need it! Good for you on the weight loss, girl. Keep it up! ~skt
I’d have three or four plates of any pasta please. ANy kind and I’m happy.
Oh, yeah, Scribbit! Pasta is good! Only three or four plates? ~skt
#3, 4, and 5 sound pretty good to me, but I’d definitely go with all deserts. Good luck with the diet.
Phtt! Y’all really think I’m going to diet? I may exercise, but I won’t quit eating! Thanks for visiting~skt
Number six has my vote! I love rib-eye steak, especially that wonderful spot right next to the bone. Don’t forget the horseradish to spice things up and clear your sinuses…gotta have a clear head when you start your ‘die-et’.
Oh good grief, I think you’ve just named a new girl’s group! Think 60’s and bouffants (I know, BIG is the state hairstyle in Texas)…Shelly and the Die-Ettes singing their latest smash hit “It’s My Last Splurge, Baby, Now Hand Me Them Taters.” It scored an 84 on Am.Band Stand. The judges decision was ‘it has a good beat and you can dance to it!’
Happy TT, I’ve posted my first one. It’s nowhere near as amusing as yours.
Bwahahah! How could I forget horseradish? Are you going to be part of the girls group? I get to sing lead—off key.~skt
Forget the diet! I’m sure that you look great the way that you are.
As long as you don’t look at me, I look just fine.
~skt
I’ve been doing weight watchers for the past 12 weeks (not religiously) – have lost 12 pounds overall. But, today I rebelled and went out for Chinese food with my lovely, adoring family. I consider myself sassy too!
I think it’s supposed to be ok to splurge now and then, Christine…as long as you climb back on the horse. 12 pounds is good! Congratulations. I don’t consider myself “sassy,” but everybody else seems to think so, even when I think I’m being demure. Thanks for visiting.~skt
I’m very tempted by 7, 10 and 12. Or Mexican – the whole enchilada so to speak (I slay me).
While the idea of an all dessert meal sounds VERY tempting, I think the reality of it would send me into a sugar coma!
I’m crap at dieting, but I’ve found that I don’t hate exercising as much as I thought I would. I’ll nag you to go out and do it if you like
.
Mfft! I can’t laugh out loud, because my husband is asleep. Go ahead and nag…I’ll need it. “the whole enchilada” mfft! ~skt
We have something in common! I’ve been ordering my eggs over hard for years in the diner. I remember actually using hand gestures on “how-to” for them to process my request. Ridiculous! Anyway, all of the meals sound great, but I’m partial to the Chili Cheeseburger with curly fries.
My TT #3 up!
Do you like those eggs burned crisp around the edges? They can never get it right on a griddle! ~skt
Excuse me…
I’d like to go to the kitchen to get something to EAT!
You make me hungry
Sorry. I made me hungry, too Naeva! Thanks for visiting. Hope I didn’t ruin YOUR diet!~skt
pecan pie will kill ones diet right off the bat but yet i could eat it for any meal of the day! I want sdome now! good luck with the diet!
Pecan pie has all the major food groups in it, doesn’t it? Thanks for the visit. Let’s go eat pie! ~skt
I was doing just fine drinking coffee…but now I’m starving…so I must go eat.
I need to bookmark your blog…if for nothing else, for your comment back to a commenter that “Pecan pie has all the major food groups in it”. A girl after my own heart…in the old Weight Watchers days I used to count wine as fruit and beer as bread!
I’m sorry I did that to you! You sound like a long lost sister!
I like your way of thinking! I must come visit you later today!~skt
The Thai food and the plate of desserts. (Why is it that you cannot make good Thai food at home?) And, of course, anything with bacon. Shelly, you know you don’t have to diet — just a little olive oil and the ShangriLa Diet. (And maybe some belly dancing!)
You inspired me to do my first ever Thursday 13.
Your first Thursday Thirteen is hilarious! It blew my dress up! Everybody go look. While you are at it, look for Susie’s post about belly dancing as a Mother’s Day gift!
Hmmm, I’d definitely go for the deserts!
Sounds good to me!~skt
I love to eat greasy french fries. I think that would be something I’d fill up on before going on a diet. That and chocolate!
Grease and chocolate….it don’t get no bettah! ~skt
Awesome. It was hard to read this. I got a bit misty. I miss the south. I usetacould get stuff like that whenever I wanted, then I moved to Florida…
It’ll give me an excuse not to start the diet yet! ~skt
I’m so sorry…come over and I’ll cook
Ohe yeah, LOVE the Piggly Wiggly pig at the top. We used to call him Hoggly Woggly and thought we were SOME kinda funny, too.
I vote for the ribeye but it HAS to be medium rare!! =)
I also love chicken parm tho– yum!
My TT is up too!
I guess I’ll have to eat it all! Thanks for visiting.~skt
Ain’t that the truth?!? I’m totally in the same boat with you!!
I also don’t like the websites where they post their weights every week – AND – I have a bookshelf full of die-et books too!!! lol!
For my last meal I’d like #3, #6 & #13 please!!
Yes, but did your shelf get too heavy, Jen? Let’s just pig out on all of it, shall we? Thanks for stopping by.~skt
If I weren’t a vegetarian it would be fried chicken and mashed potatoes with gravy and broccoli, green beans, carrots and cauliflower and corn on the cob and biscuits and butter and a half gallon of iced tea with too much lemon, but since I am a vegetarian, leave out the fried chicken and gravy (but I can taste my neighbor’s) and give me triple mashed potatoes with cheese sauce on the side.
Wth pepper is the only way to eat cantaloupe. I am hungry! (thanks a lot)
Sorry! but, even though you are a vegetarian (gasp!), at least you know how to eat cantaloupe! ~skt
Wow! Lots of food! Made me realize that I have to eat breakfast already
(it’s already Friday, almost 7am, over here :p)
Happy Thursday!
Oh, my! We just ate “breakfast for supper.” Why don’t you have supper for breakfast? Thanks for visiting!~skt
I would have to chose 11 followed by 13! Snickerdoodles are my favorite cookies. YUM-O!
Yessss. Snickerdoodles!~skt
I’m starving after reading that.
I am too, Kristy, and I’m the one who has to look at this list every day
~skt
I can definitely relate. I have steadily be increasing in size. I’ve always liked to wear things on the baggy side and has worked out well not had to spend a lot of money on new cloths.
I used to love to shop for clothes…but it’s excruciating now. Hope your life is settling down a little.~skt
LOL, what a great post! And what a super list of scrumptious meals. I’ll have you know I’m indulging in garlic-bread, pepperoni pizza right now… mmmmm!
I’d go for #12 — Thai food is divine.
Happy Thursday to you!
Yes, Thai food IS divine. But, I’m not picky, as you could probably tell. PIZZA? How did I forget that???~skt
I am getting ready to go to bed and now you made me hungry. I too am on a die-t. Oh well. When I crack and go on a binge I will remember this T13.
You’d be better off to forget it, Titania! If you are on a die-et, don’t let me ruin it! But, come again and set a spell. ~skt
Southern fried chicken and mashed potatoes, no kidding would be your choice.
#13 almost left me weeping. This is so cruel since I’m on a diet, but tomorrow I have a diet-free day and I can indulge *evil grin*
Don’t indulge too much, or you will feel guilty. It’s the guilt that ruins me every time. I figure…hey since I already blew the diet, I may as well enjoy myself. Before you know it….I’ve gained five pounds~skt
I believe you and your bacon might be able to survive on Dr. Atkins diet, but you’ll have to forgo the batter on your okra…
…then it will never work! The batter is as good as the bacon!~skt