Thursday Thirteen # 15—Don’t You Just Hate It When…

For those of you who aren’t bloggers, there is a “tradition” among some of us. On Thursdays, we list “13 things” about ourselves in an attempt to get to know each other better. Usually, I’m not listing personal things. I just list random things that catch my fancy. When I can, I add humor, at least my brand of it. Here are a few things that have happened to me, and I’m just labeling it

1) I went to the dentist office and sat in the chair with my mouth hanging open and bright lights in my face. The dental hygienist and the dentist were up close and personal with me. After my teeth were cleaned, I went into the restroom to see my teeth sparkle. Instead, I noticed that sticking out of my chin was a black hair that must have been six inches long! My dentist is a woman—you’d think she would have been kind enough to tell me that! I just hate menopause.

2) At a little country store, I stopped to get something to munch. I grabbed a Snicker’s bar from the shelf and noticed that the package was dusty. “They must not sell a lot of these,” I thought. Back in the car, I ripped open the package and started munching. Then, I looked at the candy bar, and saw something wiggling! It was a worm—well, half of one. Don’t y’all hate it when that happens?

3) My husband and I went to eat at a fancy restaurant. It had wonderful ambiance and was very romantic. The lights were low, with soft music in the background. My husband looked into my eyes and began saying all the lovely things I wanted to hear. Suddenly, all my focus was on the thought that I could hear the fountain splashing water right next to me, and I had to pee like crazy! It’s all I could think about. Poof! goes the romance.

4) I don’t often buy fancy clothes, but there was an expensive outfit at a boutique that I just had to have! I shelled out the dough for it, despite misgivings about the price. The first time I had to launder it, I carefully read the instructions. They said, “Machine wash in cold water; tumble dry on low heat.” I followed those instructions exactly. When I took that expensive outfit out of the dryer, it had shrunk so much that even Barbie couldn’t have wiggled her little butt into it! I may as well just shop at Wal Mart.

5) Somehow in my garden I had gotten hold of poison ivy. It was spreading down my legs and was itching like I was on fire. In the emergency clinic, the young doctor (who wasn’t even old enough to grow a beard) examined me and gave me a prescription for a cream to stop the itch. I said, “Can’t you give me a shot of cortisone?” The young pup replied, “In people your age, cortisone can cause heart problems.” Don’t y’all hate a smart mouth kid for a doctor? My poison ivy got worse that afternoon (it had spread all over my body)and I had to go back to the clinic. When I told the next doctor (who was my age) what the other one had said, he laughed. “In people our age,” he said, “cortisone is the lesser of the two evils.” I got my cortisone and was better in a hurry. I loved that doctor.

6) Has any woman alive not experienced going into the restroom and coming out with their skirt tucked into their waistband? I hate that, too.

7) When my boys were small, we stopped at an IHop to order pancakes. My oldest, who was four, tugged my sleeve and said, “Mommy, look! A bee wants the honey on my pancake.” I looked, and folks, it wasn’t a bee. Griddled into that pancake was a big fly! I can’t look a pancake in the “I” anymore.

8) I reached down on the bathroom floor to get the shirt I had thrown there the night before. As I picked it up, I noticed a spider scurrying away. He had been hiding under my shirt. “Reclusive little devil,” I thought. Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! I looked at that spider a little harder; it was a brown recluse! Now, I’m afraid to get dressed without shaking out my clothes, but on the up side—I don’t throw my clothes on the floor anymore.

9) I had been sick for several days and had a glass of water beside me on the bed. I was trying to keep sipping on it so I wouldn’t get dehydrated. In the middle of the night, I sat up to get a drink. Fortunately, I turned on the light and glanced into the glass before I took a swig. Mosquito larvae were swimming in my water! I just thought I was sick before. What’s this with me and insects?

10) I waited all summer for the season premiere of The Closer because I just love Kyra Sedgwick. I settled in to watch and fell asleep, but I wasn’t snoring, so my husband didn’t know to punch me and wake me up! I missed half the show, and I am not amused.

11) How many times do I have to do this before I learn? I bought take-out food and drove halfway across town to get home with it, only to open it and discover I had someone else’s order! And, they didn’t order anything with bacon!

12) I got up one morning, got dressed, and drove nearly fifty miles to a school to tell stories. Because of the horrendous traffic, I was almost late! When I presented myself at the front desk, the receptionist said, “Shelly, you aren’t supposed to be here until next week!” Where I was supposed to be was at a school about 100 miles the other direction! I hate it when I don’t read my calendar.

13) A store in a small town where we once lived got a block of tickets to a rock concert and offered them as prizes. We won a pair, and went to the concert to discover ourselves surrounded by local teenagers. I noticed that they were passing one of those “funny cigarettes” down the aisle so each could take a drag of it. The boy in front of me turned around to offer me a drag of marijuana. His eyes got as big around as breakfast sausages when he recognized me as one of his parent’s friends! I bet he just hated that, don’t you?

Come back another day and “set a spell” on the porch with me.

Other posts you might enjoy:

1. Don’t You Just Hate It When…
2. Thursday Thirteen Number 26. Scattered
3. Thursday Thirteen #6 I Should Have Known Better
4. Thursday Thirteen # 8—My Last Meal Before I Die-et
5. Thursday Thirteen #21—The Name Game

Tagged as: humor, Thursday Thirteen