Thursday Thirteen #16—I’ll Never Do It Again

You ain’t even gonna believe this, y’all, I may be dumb, but I am not stupid. There are some things I just won’t do again. Yes, it’s true. I learn from my mistakes. And, I’m here to tell you that you need to take heed. I’ll never
say
“never” unless
I’m pretty sure
I mean it.I’ll never say “never” unless I’m pretty sure I mean it.These are things you don’t want to do…and

1) I will NOT drink tequila shooters again. Nosirree. I’m not much of a drinker, anyway, and probably can count on one two hands the number of times I have imbibed too much.

The last time I did was at a city function for a small town. My ex-husband was on the City Council, so in our finest regalia we went to a fancy dinner. The mayor bet me I couldn’t drink a tequila shot, so he bought me one. I downed it. He bought me another, and another, and another….I don’t know how many, but I didn’t have enough fingers to count them. Well, actually, I had too many fingers but somehow I couldn’t catch them to touch them. Mr. Mayor was amazed that I still acted normal (for me). I was able to walk right out of there and get in the car. I acquired quite a reputation that night for being able to hold my liquor, and I’m really not very proud of it. Of course, the drive home felt like a roller coaster at Six Flags, and we had to stop more than once so I could hurl. At home, I stepped out of the car and passed out right there. But, the Mayor doesn’t know different, and don’t you tell him. I never want to have to prove myself again. No more tequila shots for this gal. Jose Cuervo is not a friend of mine.

2. I love all kinds of critters, and will gladly feed them, but I’m not going to feed geese ever again. At a lake in South Texas, there were some geese on the shore. I thought I would be nice to them, and got a whole loaf of bread out of the camping gear to give to them. Up I walked to them, and started talkin’ real sweet, “Hey, y’all want a bite to eat?” Yes, those vicious monsters did. They began attacking me and biting my legs. One even went for my nose. Finally, I had the sense to throw the loaf of bread out to the lake and they rushed after it. I was able to escape to the truck. Gave new meaning to “Cast your bread upon the water.”

3. I will never, on my honor, stuff my middle-aged body into anything made of Spandex. I think there are probably only a double handful of people on the planet who should be allowed to wear Spandex! In fact, I think it should be outlawed. I don’t know why some women insist on wearing that in public, don’t they have mirrors? I’m not even going to put an image with that! If I did, my blog might get an NC-17 rating, just like Jessica the Rock Chick.

4. No, I will not sing in public. I won’t even sing The Birthday Song, if I can help it. Believe me, I’m doing you a favor.

5. I don’t care how pretty a sushi chef can make the plate look. It looks like dead fish, it smells like dead fish, and it tastes like dead fish to me. I don’t care if you wrap it in a side of bacon, you can’t make me eat it.

6. I will never take a dare from a teenager again. In my programs with the spinning wheel, I talk about natural dyes. One of the ones I discuss is the cochineal bug, which is found on prickly pear cactus and was used by the ancient Aztecs to get the color red. The bug was used to make the red stripes on the first American flag and for the uniforms for the British Redcoats. Michaelangelo painted with it (before he became a Ninja Turtle). Women smeared it on their lips (it’s not easy being beautiful), and it was used for food coloring (yes, if you have had cranberry juice, Snapple, or Hawaiian punch you might have gotten some “extra protein”).

I told this to a group of kids and they dared me to taste the bugs I had in a jar. They double dared me, they double dog dared me…it went to a triple dog dare. Well, I wasn’t about to back down to them, so I popped one of the bugs in my mouth and chewed it up.

You know how when you were a kid, the dentist would give out those red tablets that you chewed so you could see how well (or poorly) you had brushed your teeth? The bugs worked the same way, and I had just had lunch. It wasn’t pretty (and it stayed on for the rest of the afternoon, because it is a dye—duh!). But, the kids thought it was funny, and I was glad to make them laugh. They asked me what it tasted like, and I told them: “Chicken.” You saw that coming, didn’t you? I did that once, and I won’t do it again.

7.I will NEVER shop at Best Buy again! Oh, there was a time, y’all, when I would. I bought three computers, two televisions, a camera, some appliances and tons of software from them in the space of a couple of years. Then, I went one night to buy my stepson the television of his dreams. He had researched it for several weeks. Unfortunately, I had just moved to Denton. I had my new driver’s license, with my new address, but my checks still had the old address. Even more unfortunate was the fact that my driver’s license listed me as “Michele,” and my checkbook said “Shelly.”

The manager was called over to the checkout stand. She was a snooty little twit by the name of “Solitaire,” who was all caught up in her “power.” She decided not to let me write a check; she refused my credit cards; and she spoke as loudly as she could so that everyone could hear her trying to humiliate me. Solitaire was not playing with a full deck. I cut up my Best Buy credit card, and the store lost one of its best customers.

8.

I once wanted to get my face lifted, because I wanted to age gracefully. One look at Joan Rivers, and I know I will never want plastic surgery. People there is nothing graceful about that.

9. I once had a lovely leather couch. Then I got an adult cat with claws. Now I have a “distressed” leather couch. I don’t know whether I won’t get another adult cat with claws…or whether I will never buy leather furniture again.

10. I’ll never swig from a milk carton again. Nope. I buy Lactaid now, and it doesn’t go bad as quickly. But, it only takes one taste of sour milk to cure you of a bad habit for life.

11.

Nope. I’m never going to get a permanent again. That’s some seriously bad hair, isn’t it? Give me a break—it was 1983! You’re thinking, “What was she thinking?” Well, folks. I wasn’t.

12. I’m never going to do this meme that Simon at Freelance Cynic tagged me to do. I declined it when JennyMcb at J’s Thoughts and Musings offered it, and when Teamouse at TeaTime Ramblings asked me to do it, and when SusieJ sent it. I declined it about four other times! It’s not that I don’t love y’all for thinking of me…it’s just I can’t do it because…well, I don’t have to explain it.

13. I’ll [tag]never say “never” [/tag]unless I’m pretty sure I mean it. On the previous twelve—-I MEAN IT.

Leave a comment and you will be magically linked on this post. Then go visit other [tag]Thursday Thirteen[/tag] participants. Come back another day and “set a spell” on the porch with me.

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