Monday Moan

Have y’all ever had a leaky toilet? You know how first you hear that “drip—-drip—-drip?” But, you think it will stop, so you ignore it. After you flush the toilet a couple more times, instead of a drip you have a trickle, and that grows louder and louder and never stops. Y’all have had that happen, haven’t you?

I try not to rant too often on this blog, because I don’t want to be as annoying as that leaky toilet. Yet, I guess it’s time for a good rant. I opened up my e-mail on Sunday morning to discover I had been tagged twice to answer some questions. Both Nigel at FatBloke Thin and Jessica the Rock Chick at Life is RANTastic handed me “The Moaning Meme.”

I love these bloggers to pieces, yet right now I’d like to threaten them with a “tongue lashing.” They aren’t from Texas, though, so they’d think that sounded like something fun! It’s not. They know full well that I am busy. But, I guess they know I need to vent, too. In fact, I tried to vent yesterday, but couldn’t get an internet connection. I guess I need to thank y’all for the opportunity to cut loose. Usually, when a Texan says, “I tell you whut” they never really tell you; it’s just an exclamation. But, I mona tell you whut [Texan for "I'm going to tell you what."] Sit back from the monitor. This could curl your hair.

5 people who will be annoyed you tagged them.

1. SusieJ is on vacation at her lake house and has to drive to town to get WiFi. By the time she reads this, her computer will have used up its battery and she won’t be able to comment to fuss at me.
2. Vickie at Vixen’s Den. She can’t comment to me, because she uses the name “Vixen” and my spam filter thinks she is going to write porn. If I don’t like what she says, I don’t have to de-spam her comment.
3. Cathy, the ArkieMama has been battling mono and the travails of parenthood. This is just what she needs.
4. Sherry at Yellow Rose’s Garden is busily trying to get ready for a move to Texas. She doesn’t have enough to do.
5. Stacy at Entertaining Angels is much too nice to complain. Let your hair down, Stacy.

4 things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.
“Room 101″ is a Brit thang. It lost something in translation, but here’s what should be removed from the face of the earth.

1. Electric hand dryers in public restrooms. Now, what’s up with that? Half the time they don’t work, and if they do it takes five minutes to get your hands dry! I only use them to mask “the sound” if the bathroom has thin walls. I have a “bashful bladder.” [Is that too much information?] When public bathrooms don’t have paper towels, I just wipe my hands on my jeans. Frankly, I’m not sure there is much point in even washing your hands in some of those places. As soon as you touch the doorknob, you pick up all the germs left by the person before you who did not wash her hands.

2. Tamper proof medicine bottles. What idiot thought that was a good idea? Oh, I know the manufacturers are trying to keep some lunatic from poisoning us. The manufacturers are only doing that to save their own skin; they don’t care about us. When I need an Ibuprofen, I don’t want to have to search for thirty minutes to find where I put the pliers the last time I used them so that I can get the lid off the bottle; then search another ten minutes for the scissor to cut through the foil; and then get the tweezers to pull out the cotton ball. By the time I deal with all that frustration, I’m liable to keel over with an aneurysm! That’ll kill you just as dead as poison will!

3. Blue Tooth Cell Phone thingies. I’m sorry, but nobody needs to be that connected. I walked into the post office the other day and saw a man walking toward me talking. I thought he was talking to me, so I talked back. He looked at me like I was the idiot. I think they oughta give those things to the homeless folks who wander the streets talking to themselves. If those pitiful folks had an earpiece phone, it would look like they were having a real conversation, and they wouldn’t frighten small children. Or would they?

4. Commercials in movie theaters. Great Balls of Fire! A movie was a “cheap date” when I was a kid [and we walked to school 10 miles, and it was uphill both ways...]. These days, two people can’t enjoy a movie, two cokes and a large popcorn without taking out a bank loan. You settle in your seat to enjoy a movie and get blasted with ads for Viagra, cheap used cars, and sleazy lawyers who will “help you out” by starting another frivolous law suit. With the junk put out by Hollywood lately, that almost makes watching television sound good.

The above things may sound like “piddly” things to you, but for a menopausal woman, they are not!

3 things people do that make you want to shake them violently.

1. Speaking of “piddle,” don’t pee on the toilet seat! Clean up your own mess! I swan I never can get used to dealing with pee on the toilet. Men are notoriously awful about not hitting that target (even though it’s a foot and a half wide!). If they were shooting a gun, they wouldn’t expect anything less than a bullseye. I think all toilet seats should be engraved with the words, “Those with short hoses stand close.” If the truth is told, some women aren’t much more fastidious, they just have less chance of missing.

2. Have proper telephone etiquette! If I have taken time out of my schedule to meet you for lunch, don’t you dare answer that cell phone unless it’s your babysitter, your boss, or the Texas Lottery Commission! When you must talk to someone on your cell phone in a public place, use your “inside voice.” Nobody else is interested in hearing about Uncle Herbert’s hemorrhoids or Aunt Martha’s hysterectomy. Don’t use your cell phone as a flashlight in a movie theater. Don’t even have the dang thing turned on, or if you must have it on (because you are an important popular person)then put it on “vibrate” and stick it in your pocket. If it rings, it might give you a thrill. If you are behind the wheel of a vehicle, shut up and drive.

3. Don’t block my right turn lane! In Texas on the highways, we have a “right turn on red” at the traffic lights. In Britain, it may be “left turn on red.” Traffic backs up for miles sometimes, because some inconsiderate driver feels the need to stop in the middle of two lanes so that no one can pass them. That makes me so mad that I want to knock them into next week.

2 things you find yourself moaning about.

1. Menopause. I think it is a cruel joke that Mother Nature has played. I’m a fifty-three year old woman and I still get pimples…and now I have to pluck my mustache.

2. I don’t know if it’s a “woman thing” or a “Southern thing,” but I have a hard time asking for help when I need it and accepting help if it’s offered. For some reason, I think I have to be a big girl and take care of myself. Now if you need help, I’ll be quick to offer it, in fact I’ll ram it down your throat. I’m changing a little bit. This evening, I’ll be posting an update to Share A Square, and I’ll make myself ask for the help I need (the project is coming along nicely, but there are some things I’m going to ask). I hope some of you will be willing.

1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself.

I have become my mother. They said it would happen, I didn’t believe it, but it’s true!

Ahhh. That was cathartic. Technically, I was tagged twice, so I can tag five more people. Let me know if you want to get all up in this, and I’ll be happy to pass it to you. AND, watch out! Since I was tagged twice, I can complain twice.

Other posts you might enjoy:

1. How Did I Wind Up With An iPhone?
2. Amish Cell Phone
3. Are We Addicted To Cell Phones?
4. Breaker, Breaker, 1-9
5. Manic Monday–What Do I Want?

Tagged as: humor, memes