Y’all, the calendar in my head is out of whack (does that astonish you?) and so I’m posting early. I’m going to be busy for a couple of days with a certain project. I’m using my [tag]Thursday Thirteen[/tag] to promote a writing contest going on at “my house” for bloggers and non-bloggers as well.
It’s easy to enter, you just write a funny Dear Abby letter that is 50 words or less (not counting the “Dear Abby” salutation and the “signature”). Post it in a comment on this other page, and you are in.
Click the image for a larger view of this tiny purse necklace. Yes, that’s the prize. I’m offering this lovely necklace (it looks like a purse, but it’s itty bitty). It’s knitted on needles that are as thin as darning needles, and it has 2,000 sparkling seed beads on it. If you don’t want it, I do!
Several people have entered, and you can see some of the entries here or here. The folks who entered wrote the letter and I responded as Dear Abby. There are more, but I haven’t posted them yet. You have until Saturday, September 15th at 11:59 p.m. Texas Time to write your ridiculous Dear Abby letter and post it. You’d better hurry, because I know you want to get in on this. Once you start writing them, it’s addictive.
But only submit one! If this thing flies, and y’all like it, I’ll probably make it a monthly happening. Now after all the entries are compiled, YOU get to vote for the winner! On Sunday, September 16th, I will post my personal favorites right here on the blog, with a poll for voting. My readers will decide the winner. You will be able to vote daily, and you can send all your friend (s) to vote daily, too!
For my Thursday Thirteen, I thought I’d write some Dear Abby letters, and let YOU be Abby. Wanna play? I’ll post your responses Friday. Pick one (or more) of the letters below and
1.
Dear Abby,
My brother is a bully. He’s always calling me a “knucklehead” and pokin’ me in the eyes. I want him to stop. I’m trying to think and nothing happens. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Can you help me?
Signed,
Curly
2.
Dear Abby,
My goilfriend and I have been together for 88 years, but I can’t win her. She toys with my emotions by floiting with a brute named Bluto. I’m a good man, but she won’t let me “close.” She’s still a voigin (some might say “extra voigin”). What can I do?
Signed,
Popeye
3.
Dear Abby
My hunting buddies say I’m always shooting off my mouth. What should I do?
Signed,
Dick Cheney
4.
Dear Abby,
People question my sexuality, and the criticism stings. They say I give mixed signals, but what do they mean? Perhaps I’m guilty—-wait, no I’m not. I’m on my knees—begging for an answer.
Signed,
Senator Larry Craig
5.
Dear Abby,
I can’t believe I’m, like, writing. People are jealous because I’m rich and hot. They make a big deal because I had a little too much to drink and then I drove. Is that, like, such a crime?
Signed,
Paris
6.
Dear Abby,
I’m a starving artist and a tortured soul. Starry nights make me melancholy and sunflowers give me only fleeting joy. My friends have turned away, even my best friend Paul. Can you lend me an ear (preferably the left)?
Signed,
Vincent Van Gogh
7.
Dear Abby.
I’ve bought products from the Acme Corporation for many years, but they are always faulty. Some of the devices have even caused me grievous bodily harm. The company representative says my ineptitude is to blame. Short of violence, what can I do? I just want to catch a stupid bird.
Signed,
Wile Ethelbert Coyote
8.
Dear Abby,
My twin sister copies everything I do: she dresses like me, went to the same college, even got married in the same ceremony with me. I write a newspaper column, she writes one just like it. She hasn’t copied my hairstyle, yet. How can I be different?
Signed,
Ann Landers
9.
Dear Abby,
I’m thinking about shaving my mustache. Will women still love me?
Signed,
Tom Selleck
10.
Dear Abby,
I’ve wasted a lifetime trying to please my mother, who rules with an iron hand. I’m her successor to lead the family business, but she won’t step down (even though she is past her prime). Have you any advice? I’m all ears.
Signed,
Prince Charlie
11.
Dear Abby,
I have a crush on a little red-haired girl, but I don’t have any idea how to approach her. Tell me what to say to win her heart. Do other men have this problem? Good grief! I can’t stand it, I can’t stand it.
Signed,
Charlie Brown
12.
Dear Abby,
I work as an engineer. I asked my boss for information on a new assignment and he told me to “leverage synergies while empowering the strategic-fit paradigm to enhance stakeholder buy-in.” All I ever wanted to do is design cool stuff. Help!Signed, Dilbert
13.
Deer Abby,
The Principle at are Elementary Skull sad we halve to learn vocabulary wards to bee successful. I half spiel cheek on my computer. Their is no knead. If the Precedent kin succeed without a beg vocabulary, watt dew yew think?
Signed,
AninymusAnonamusUnanimous
Now it’s YOUR turn! Are any of you aspiring Dear Abby’s? Give an answer if you are. Any comment you make will be magically linked. While you are thinking about it, go join the contest. I bet you write better than I do, and you know you want that necklace.
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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Dearest Tom Selleck:
Yes, women will still love you if you shave off every hair that you have. Well, I will anyway.
Drooling,
Dear Abby
ROFLMAO! You KNOW that I put this one in just for you. I was going to have him ask, “Will Sandee still love me?”~skt
You are a very clever and wonderfully talented lady
Do compliments help in anyway to win the competition?
Absolutely not, but I will take them anyway~skt
did i mention the fact that you are awesome?
No, you didn’t, but you can tell me that any time~skt
and very creative
Umm…you didn’t tell me that either~skt
Also witty.
Now, you are being a total suck-up:lol:~skt
Love it, Shelly!!! VERY clever!
Thank you, Susan. My Sweet Spousal Unit helped with it, of course. And the answers people are giving are hilarious. Thanks for visiting~skt
Dear Wiley,
Chill, seriously you sound like you are tightly wound and have the patience of a gnat, no, forget that, a gnat has more patience than you. Work on your bird calling skills.
Abby
Very good answer,
JenAbby, though it sounds a bit like the snide sister Ann Landers…”Watch it, bub!” She always said stuff like that. ~sktLol. Love the Paris one, it sounds just like her.
I don’t, like, know what you could possibly mean? I, like, wrote it in my own voice!~skt
Great idea, I’m too rude for a dear abby, I’d tell people to STFU!!!
Have a great TT Shelly!!!
Yes, you are “no nonsense!” You could be Ann Landers…she could be very rude
~skt
Dear Dilbert,
Fear not. It is likely your job will be outsourced or off-shored anyways and this will be a non-issue.
Abby
BWAHAHAHA!
My husba“Dilbert” is gonna love this answer. Thanks for playing along~sktDear Abby….
Why do I keep going out with no good losers?? I know that I attend Bar’s and Surf the Internet on a regular basis but I cant seem to find a man worth the price of a loaf of bread…any suggestions?? Maybe I should try one of those co dependent meetings…I bet I could find a good man there!!
Signed,
Hopeless in Yucaipa
I’m taking this as an entry (I made it confusing, I know!) even though it’s at the wrong spot. Abby will think, and give you an answer. Thanks for playing!~skt
Dear Hopeless,
Do you expect to find a Gucci handbag at Wal-Mart? If you can’t find a man worth the price of a loaf of bread, perhaps you shouldn’t be looking at the Artisan loaves! Speaking of shopping, the trend is to find men at the grocery store. The produce aisle is a great “pick-up” spot. If you catch a man’s eye, you can indicate your interest by choosing a few nice cucumbers. In turn, he will indicate interest by asking you to help him choose a ripe melon. If you are lucky, you will find a good man who is willing to keep up with all the “honey-dos.”
Signed,
Dear Abby
(My special trick is typing a comment and then forgetting to hit “submit”!) So here’s mine (again):
Dear Mr. Selleck,
You can shave every hair off from the neck up, but I’d leave the rest alone. The effects of those open Hawaiian shirts and “short shorts” of the 80’s have been burned into the brain of every woman who stumbled onto Magnum PI, and I wouldn’t mess with that one damn bit. Nuh uh, darlin’.
Say hi to Higgy baby.
Love,
Abbs
Oh, what Mr. Selleck does to women! I can’t get to carried away, because my husband reads the blog….good answer!~skt
Dear Shell EE: Thee reply to Ms. Cheney will knot be given for rear of reprisal en ratings. Butt it had two due with Unanimous in aye weigh. Maim lower… at synonym four Rick.
- Abs assistant.
Dear Vincent:
Neither a borrower nor lender be. But check out garbage can at farmers market for leftovers, should be an ear left if a rogue deer didn’t get it first.
-Abs
Dear Ann Landers,
All that is left is to copy her hair style.
-Abby
Good answers all! Thanks to Abby’s assistant for not getting carried away! I don’t want that NC-17 blog rating
~skt
I hope this isn’t a double post; it looked as if it didn’t post.
Dear Dick Cheney:
You say “shoot off your mouth” like it’s a BAD thing.
Abby
PS. I kid Dick Cheney! I loooove him really; I just think he’s a bit underemployed as Vice President. He should take some time off to be with his family, like the rest of the Executive branch!
First one got eaten by the spam eating machine, sorry. I agree with Abby:lol: Let me turn this job over to you.~skt
Numbers 7 and 9 are killing me…
Number 9 was a blatant attempt to get readers…especially Comedy Plus
~skt
Dear Paris,
Yes, as a matter of fact, it is a crime. But don’t worry, prison orange is the new black and you’ll look fabulous after your third strike.
Love,
Abby
ROFLMAO! Great answer.~skt
Dear Dick,
Stop. Just stop.
Love,
Abby
What else could Abby say? That says it all~skt
Dear Mr. Coyote,
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. Perhaps therapy would be a better use of your time.
Also, have you tried bird seed?
Love,
Abby
Are you sure you haven’t had an advice column before?
~skt
These are great. I’ve been trying for days to come up with one myself, but I’m afraid I’m just not clever enough. Or, I could just go with this:
Dear Abby,
My friend Shelly is having a really cool contest and the winner gets an ADORABLE beaded purse necklace. I’d like to enter, but I just can’t think of a good enough entry. How about you send me a corker out of your archives and I’ll give you joint custody of the necklace?
Signed,
Uninspired in Israel
Dear Uninspired,
You should think harder. But, don’t think for a minute I’ll share something from MY archives. My sister Ann Landers did that, and there was a horrible scandal. If I get my hands on that adorable necklace, I have no intention of sharing.
Signed,
Dear Abby
Love it.
my 13 is up
http://momworksathome.blogspot.com
Oh My Gosh what a great laugh to start my day and give me a morning pick me up.
I’m always so inspired by your Thursday Thirteen, Shelley, that this time I’ve posted my own. You can find it http://liveslessordinary.wordpress.com/2007/09/13/thursday-thirteen-my-life-in-scent/“>here
I’ve been wracking my brain for a Dear Abby entry, but I haven’t come up with anything yet. I’ve got a very long train journey tomorrow though, so I’ll maybe come up with something then!
Good luck with thinking, and I’ll hope you get an idea!~skt
Dear Larry,
Obviously you must have been some sort of naughty boy for people to think of you this way. What I would be to kick back and embrace the naughty, dirty part of you, not literally of course. Sit back, have some wine, rent a movie, perhaps Birdcage? Take the weekend to destress.
Abby
These and any others you have swirling around in your head should be published in a book. Think about it! I would even go so far as to say you should remove these from your blog/Internet before someone else finds this good stuff out and steals it. REALLY!
I started reading all the “Abby’s” yesterday and had a hard time getting any work done!! Great stuff.
Shelly great TT. But I don’t have time to play…to busy with a certain afghan I am putting together!
I’ve no inspiration for one of my own but I did really like them especially #11
I did it! I wrote one and officially entered! I don’t know why I had such a hard time with that one
I love these! I’m going to play with a few answers!
Jessica
Dear Popeye,
I recommend you buy a case of spinach – eat it daily for one week. At the end of the week you can take on that big Brute Bluto and he’ll never bother you again.
As for the fair maiden, it’s time to wine and dine – spoil her with flowers, chocolates – take your salary x 12 and head off to buy her a rock no woman could refuse(diamonds are a girls best friend).
Continue sweeping her off her feet all the way to the altar before Bluto can say ‘What the’.
Abby
Dear Tom Selleck,
Mustache or no, I can’t think of a single lady who would be the least bit attracted by your drunken degradation. And in front of your daughter, no less! I suggest a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe they’re saving a seat for you.
sincerely, Abby
Dear Starving Artist,
Paul’s morality is questionable, to say the least. You’re better off depressed in in the french countryside than lazing about with half naked island girls. Why not paint some haystacks? That should cheer you up. Use lots of bright colors.
signed,
Dear Abby
PS
Paul might be outselling you now, but just wait until you’re dead!!
Dear Popeye,
The good news is that if your slippery gal is still a “voigin”, she hasn’t given it up for Bluto either. Why not lose the pipe and pucker up for a kiss?
signed,
Dear Abby
Dear Unanimous,
Well you’re a regular lil George W, aren’t you honey? Unless your family has interests in big oil companies and other shady business, my advice to you is “Hooked on Phonics”
signed,
Dear Abby
*gigglesnort* I guess I got a lil carried away, but this was too much fun. This is a great lil contest, Shelly. I’d play regularly even if there were no prize! Thanks for the giggle and stretch!
Okay, I’m a dork!! That’s what I get for doing this at 2am. David Hasselhoff doesn’t even have a mustache!!!
I KNEW you couldn’t mean Mr. Selleck. If you were writing at 2:00 a.m., no wonder you got confused!~skt