Jamie wrote:

Dear Abby,
I am a widower with three children by three previous marriages. The woman I am courting mentions her cousin every time I propose. Katherine has a very delicate neck that she rubs whenever I ask for her hand. What will ease her pain so that she will consider my offer and say yes?
King Henry VIII

Dear Hank,
You might have bitten off more than you can chew with this relationship. According to ancient Gypsy lore, “the consistent rubbing of the neck is a sign of unfaithfulness.” Beware. You might just have to give this relationship the axe.
Signed,
Dear Abby

2

Claire sent:

Dear Abby,
I was recently approached by a very unscrupulous lady who wants me to pimp out my granny in order to get some afghan squares. It is for charity, but granny is old and wont make much even without her teeth, so what do you think i should do?
Cheers
Confused Claire

Dear C. C.,
What maniac would ask you to pimp your grandmother? You should report that woman to the authorities. Have big, burly, manly Bobbies come and handcuff her. Of course, a pervert like that might like being handcuffed. Short of having that wench arrested, you could save your grandmother from an awful fate. YOU could learn to crochet squares to ransom her, OR you could offer your own self instead.
Signed,
Dear Abby

3
Jen entered:

Dear Abby,
My family won’t let me come and visit them. They seem to think that when I visit, there’s another funeral to attend. It’s boring in Cabot Cove because I suspect people pretend not to be home when I ring their doorbells. Can you suggest where I can find friends?
Lonely in Cabot Cove,
Jessica Fletcher

Dear Lonely,
That’s such a sad situation. It must be murder to have to endure it! I’m afraid You might just have to be content with imaginary friends. It’s a novel situation and one I’ve never encountered. I must admit it’s a mystery to me. Let me consult my colleague, Dr. Kevorkian.
Signed,
Dear Abby

4

Paisley submitted:

dear abby,
help!! there is a strange, matronly looking, middle aged woman living in my mirror… i have nothing against her personally,, but i believe she has stolen my reflection…. how can i send her packing,, and get ME back in my mirror?????
signed,
not my mirror image

Dear image,
Oh my, you are not alone! There is a marauding band of middle aged women and men roaming the country stealing reflections, and they have even admitted some senior citizens into their ranks! You could hide your mirror and hope they don’t find it. Or, you could hide your glasses so you don’t have to look at the thief. As you can see from my photograph, they haven’t found me yet. I look the same way I have for the past eighty years. It could be my magical helmet.
Signed,
Dear Abby

5
Teamouse entered:

Dear Abby,
I have two wretched step sisters and an evil step-mom. I
have to help them with their beauty regime, including much waxing!
I won a ticket to the MTV video awards! I’d love to go, but I have nothing to wear and Prince will be there.
What should I do?
All Plucked Out

Dear Plucked,
Stop whining and hoping for a fairy godmother to come and save you. That only happens in stories. These days, in fashion, anything goes. If Prince isn’t charmed by your inner beauty, then he’s a heel and you should give him the boot. Only a ninny waits around to be saved. That may seem harsh, but if the shoe fits—wear it.
Signed,
Dear Abby

6
JAM entered:

Dear Abby,
I’m a psychic and your answer to the question I would have written to you makes me furious.
You better hope I never see you on the street, I carry a knife.
I would shoot you in the head, but I see you wear a helmet, and it looks bullet proof.
Signed
Angry Psychic
Dear Angry Psychic,
I’m so sorry about the recent layoff at the post office. I’m guessing that’s your problem. Obviously, you are not Clairol-voyant, or you would know whether or not my “helmet” is indestructible. Only my hairdresser knows for sure.
Signed,
Dear Abby

7

Thorne posted this

Dear Abby,
I think I’m going crazy. First I’m big, then I’m small, I feel like a yo-yo. Could it be my diet? All I had today was a little drink and a couple of bites of a mushroom. I think I might be hallucinating, too. Should I call 911?
signed,
scared-of-that-red-queen
Dear Scared-of-that-red-queen,
You aren’t going crazy. It’s nothing to lose your head over. Perhaps you have a food allergy. Or, then again, perhaps you didn’t listen in the 5th grade when your teacher told you to “Just Say No.” Your mind must have been off in Wonderland. You don’t need to call 911. Call me, and I will talk you down.
Signed,
Dear Abby

8
Laura wrote

Dear Abby,

My neighbor’s cousin’s daughter’s friend just had her third child. My neighbor thinks the child is not the husband’s. Should she confront this girl? The family is bellyaching to my neighbor because she was supposed to throw a baby shower for this girl and she refused to do it because of this situation. I tell ya that baby looks like the UPS guy!

Signed,
What now
Dear What Now,
When they are born, all babies look like the UPS guy! I look like my schnauzer, so what? Was the UPS guy present at the delivery? A baby is a baby and deserves a shower. Like I always say, “MYOB.” Or, was that my sister that said that?
Signed,
Dear Abby

9

Sara entered this:

Dear Abby,

A co-worker of mine walked into the pub I was at last night & handed me a homemade muffin. When offered a drink she declined saying, just wanted to give you this muffin. This is the 3rd time she’s just “randomly” shown up at a place I’ve been at . . . should I be worried she’s stalking me?!??!

Scared of Muffin Lady
Dear Scared,
It’s difficult to tell your co-worker’s motive. Perhaps it’s a half-baked attempt to get a rise out of you. Technically, a “stalker” would give you celery, perhaps she’s a muffler? If you think she is, when you see her walk in the door, you should get your buns out of there.
Signed,
Dear Abby

10
This entry was from Kim (the url for her entry gave me a 404):

Dear Abby:

Someone has been stealing my Prada-wear and replacing it with $9.99 Chic twill pants. Although I am enjoying the elastic waistbands, I am concerned that some other hot babe will show up at the high-school football game in my missing clothes. What should I do? And do you think my butt looks big in pull-on pants? ??:

Dear ??:,

What Devil would wear your Prada? I hope you kept your receipts, because if you find her, that’s your only means of re-gaining your belongings. If you see a hot babe at the ball game, you might want to consider how she looks before calling the police. If she looks better than you in your clothes, I would suggest keeping your lips zipped. As for that last question…Dear, you should be old enough to know that if you have to ask that question, you don’t want to hear the answer.
Signed,
Dear Abby

BEST OF LUCK TO ALL!
PLEASE NOTE THAT I WILL NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO ANSWER ANY COMMENTS ON THIS POST.

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