Y’all, I went to my hairdresser the other day, where I always find out interesting tidbits of information that I would otherwise not know. All of the world’s knowledge passes through the doors of the beauty shop. Lucky for you, I share it with you, and you don’t have to go to the hairdresser.
Paula and I started talking about dieting, because we have both put on pounds in our “middle age” years. I say “middle age” like I’m going to live to be 106! We are always obsessing about every little pound. I heard some nameless comedian on Comedy Central say, “If you want a naked woman in your living room, put a scale in the middle of the floor.” That would be funny if it weren’t so true! At least it let me know I’m not the only woman who strips plumb nekkid to weigh herself!
Now, I’d love to blame the extra pounds on my underwear, but they probably don’t weigh but an ounce or two. So, I’ll blame the pounds on menopause. Menopause does terrible things to your metabolism. That’s what it is! I didn’t gain weight because I eat too much— I have a problem with my metabolism.
Nah, who am I trying to kid? I confess. I gained weight because of the ice cream and the bacon. Anyway, I’m always looking for a quick and easy weight loss program. You know the kind I mean. One that doesn’t include deprivation or sweat. I know there is one out there, I just haven’t found it yet.
At least, I hadn’t until I went to the beauty shop. Paula found a new way to lose weight! She said, “If you take a pill with 1200 mg. of calcium a day, it will eat six pounds of fat in a year.” That’s what she said: calcium will “eat” fat!
I know that seems like a hard pill to swallow, but Paula swears that this is true, because she heard it on Oprah. Oprah knows everything, and you can see for yourself how well all her weight loss ideas have worked for her.
I started thinking about this calcium thang, because my twisted little mind sees things in a different way (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I was just wondering:
1200 mg of calcium a day for 365 days would equal a weight loss of 6 lbs.
That means, you have to eat 3.65 bottles of calcium pills over a whole year just to lose six measly little pounds. That seems like a long time. I’m into instant gratification.
Could you accelerate the process? If a person sat down and gobbled up 3.65 bottles of pills in a day, would they lose six pounds overnight?
What if a 120 pound person consumed 73 bottles of calcium pills at one sitting? Would they disappear?
Could this be the miracle cure I have been seeking??
I don’t think so. Because you see, taking calcium can make you constipated. I think that if I took that much calcium I would just be full of shi manure.
I left myself wide open on that one, didn’t I?
Other posts you might enjoy:
- Frazzled
- Only The Good Friday. Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
- Thursday Thirteen # 8—My Last Meal Before I Die-et
- I Have To Get On The Ball
- Just Call Me “Pandora”
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{ 9 comments }
All this time I thought it was the fat in my food, and sitting in front of this computer. Hmmm, only menopause is it… Suppose I should have read up on it before I reached 57. I read 3 flights of stairs a day keep 7 lbs off a year.. so that is 13, with the calcium — unless of course you want to do 36 flights a day to accelerate it… no, it would be hard to crochet and walk all 36 flights both directions. Are you sure the scale is not just off kilter? I’m quite sure mine must be. Maybe you left your glasses in the other room and misread it.
No, it’s not fat in food and not getting exercise. Hey, YOU are a vegetarian! Why are you worried? My scales…yeah…that could be another excuse! Thanks!
~skt
I always have been thin, but menopause changed my metabolism, but very few. This summer I have gain weight, but my dessert during the whole summer has been ice cream: tiramisu, crema catalana, stratachela. Now I have a problem, I bought a beautiful Audrey´s black dress, but know it doesn´t fit me anymore
so I have decided: no more icecreams, and if I am hungry between meals I drink water, anything more. I want to wear my new dress! Greetings!
Hola! Glad to see you visiting. Menopause does change our metabolism (I’m not lying about that!). I hope you get to fit your black dress! But, I sure would hate to give up ice cream. My solution would be to buy a bigger dress
abrazos a usted~skt
Hmmmm….well I had the dreaed surgical menoapuse and I agree, it does all kinds of funky things to you, but it didn’t affect my metabolism that way. Nobody ever feels sorry for me when I say this, but if I don’t eat ice cream and bacon and all that stuff, I drop weight so quickly they could put me on the cover of a tabloid magazine along with Angelina and all the other skinnie minnies.
Now Oprah says that the calcium supplements I’m taking are actually working against me in this……yikes! What’s a girl to do?
Jessica
No, Jessica. I don’t feel sorry for you! Wench! I’m so jealous I could spit.~skt
My metabolism died a horrid death years and years ago, but calcium is good for something else.
If you have trouble getting to sleep, one calcium plus one aspirin each night will help you sleep like a baby (plus you get your heart aspirin). There really was something in that warm milk old wives tale.
I didn’t know that. but, it doesn’t work, Jamie. I take calcium, and I’m sitting answering comments at 2:30 in the morning. I guess I sleep like a colicky baby! :lol;~skt
Shelly,
Oprah does know everything..so that must be right. Give up the icecream, but never the bacon!
Don’t worry about me…I’ll NEVER give up bacon. Probably won’t give up ice cream either
~skt
Calcium sticks to the fat cells and pushes them out the digestive tract….lovely description but it’s true. Did you read that the way to tell if you are getting enough calcium is that your you know what will float? Gross, but don’t blame me – Dr. Oz is the one who said it.
For me all this really means is that I need to include healthy dairy in my diet – some nice yogurt or good cheese and of course take my women’s vitamin with my calcium supplement will also help.
I figure it can’t hurt – it’s one of the many steps I am taking to lose weight….:)!
You are so good about staying on a program, but I’m a slacker. So glad you didn’t get graphic with your description!
~skt
Shelly my dear “old” friend. lol
I was just talking about my love of ice cream and weight gain on my lastest post, come visit for heavens sakes! Now… I find out from you it’s menopause. Geesh glad to hear that. Where’s the closest store to buy some calcium. By my calculations it would take me a day or two to disappear. lol
Oh, Janet…you make me feel guilty! I have dropped in to visit, but I don’t let me stop to comment. I still love you! Menopause is the cause for everything! I blame a hangnail on it. It’s just so convenient to use as the excuse
~skt
Bacon. Yum.
Not sure I could take enough calcium to counteract the effects of that most-loved breakfast food.
Take magnesium with your calcium that will help with constipation. Dr. Oz knows all about poop!
You need to investigate my weight loss journey on Having It All!
From what my friend Paula says, Dr. Oz knows about all kinds of things! Yeah, I know about taking magnesium. But, I’m not really “into” a weight loss journey at this time. I just want to complain
~skt
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