Thursday Thirteen Number 28. I Do NOT Feel Guilty

Y’all, it’s been said that “Guilt” is my middle name. I do carry a lot of guilt around on my shoulders. I feel awful when I don’t go read my friend’s blogs. If I don’t get a thank you note or a comment answered on time, it makes me feel wretched. Just to cheer myself up, for my Thursday Thirteen, I thought I would list a few things about which

1. I put on makeup when I have to perform, but if I’m not telling stories, half the time when I go out and about, I don’t wear any makeup at all. I don’t feel the least bit guilty about having a nekkid face. At least, I don’t most of the time. If I see someone I know, I have a little twinge. Or, if I see someone I wish I knew. OK, maybe I look like something that crawled out from under a rock when I don’t paint my face, but what you see is what you get. Part of the time, I don’t wear makeup because I forget, part of the time it’s because I’m lazy. Most of the time, it’s because mascara on my eyelashes makes me want to claw my eyes out! I do admit that I feel embarrassed when a child sees me and says, “Mommy, it’s that storyteller lady—-ewww!—–or is it?”
2. I was told yesterday that there is no such thing as “allergies.” I was informed that anyone who complains of allergies is a “wuss.” Well, people, I have allergies and I’ll complain about it. And, I won’t feel guilty. And, when I sneeze and accidentally pass gas, I won’t feel guilty about that either. That’s Newton’s Third Law of Motion: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” I might feel embarrassed, perhaps, but not guilty.



3. I stop traffic to rescue critters on the road. I do not feel guilty about doing that. I “pause 4 paws,” but I’ve been known to stop traffic for a snake, and they don’t have paws. So far, I haven’t caused an accident, and if I did, I might feel guilty. Until then, I’ll keep stopping traffic.
4. Now, even though I rescue critters on the road, I’m a carnivore.
   I’m at the top of the food chain.
   I won’t apologize for that, and I won’t feel guilty about it. I respect the rights of vegetarians to not eat meat, but I will. Unless you make me butcher that critter myself. Then, heck yes, I’d feel guilty. But, as long as I can buy it ready to cook and wrapped in plastic, I won’t feel guilty. Unless it’s rabbit, I like bunny rabbits (even though I might like to eat them, too, because I’m told they taste like chicken). And, baby goats. I don’t want to eat baby goats, even if you call them “cabrito.”
5. But, I’ll eat bacon and I won’t feel guilty. I know what it does to my cholesterol, but that’s the price I have to pay. At least if eating bacon kills me, I’ll die happy. When I eat bacon, I’m already in Heaven.
6. My husband thinks that high heeled shoes are sexy. That’s too bad. Barefooted or in my clodhoppers is good enough for me. You could fall off of those high heels and break your neck! I don’t feel guilty about it! I’m not going to wear these stiletto heels even if they make me look like Jessica Biel, who was named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire Magazine. I don’t know who she is, but she does seem rather attractive…though she needs to comb her hair and wipe off some of that eye makeup.
   
   OK, maybe if I can look like her, I’d wear those heels.
7. I make the men at my house scrub the toilets. You won’t see me feeling guilty about that. Hey, I’m not the one who gets pee down the side of the toilet; I sit down to do my business. I can’t believe that a man can’t stand with a hose right over a foot wide target and hit the bullseye! Now, the toilets don’t always get scrubbed on my schedule, and if a guest sees the pee on the toilet, I do feel guilty about that.
8. I get my cats de-clawed. I have one cat who wandered up when she was older, and I didn’t de-claw her (because I didn’t want to traumatize her in her old age). She shreds everything I own. I’m told by certain folks that de-clawing cats is inhumane, but mine are indoor cats, so they don’t have to protect themselves. If I didn’t de-claw them, they would destroy my furniture. I’d get angry and throw them outside and they would be eaten by the coyotes who roam in my yard. That’s inhumane! I won’t feel guilty. Besides, the same folks who chastise me for de-clawing my cats recommend that you should get your pets spayed or neutered. Ahem. If you were a cat (given a choice) which would you think is less humane?
   I rest my case.
9. We leave a rather large “carbon footprint” at our house because of air conditioning. People, this is Texas! The summer is hotter than honeymoon sheets! We have a lot of oscillating fans, but they just blow hot air around. I would not survive without air conditioning, so don’t even try to make me feel guilty about it.
10. I “re-gift.” I know, I know. It’s probably not polite, but I’m not going to feel guilty. If someone gives me a gift that I think is cool, but I don’t have an immediate use for it, it becomes a present to someone else. I think that J.R.R. Tolkien (in The Hobbit) called that kind of present a “mathom.” That makes it sound much better, don’t you think? You have to check over the gift carefully to make sure you didn’t leave a gift tag addressed to yourself in it. Or, if it’s monogrammed! I might feel guilty if I gave you a gift monogrammed with “SKT,” that is, unless those are your initials, too.
11. I dig in other people’s trash. Hey, I’ve found some cool stuff that other folks have thrown away! I’m working on a post about that right now. One person’s trash is my treasure. I don’t feel guilty, because I always leave their trash looking better than when I found it.
12. I do not feel guilty about President Bush. I didn’t vote for him. I had already seen what he had done as Governor of Texas and was not impressed (besides that he has beady little eyes). He grew up in Texas, but he is not a Native Son. I’m not going to own that one.
13. I don’t feel the least bit guilty that I don’t have thirteen things about which I do not feel guilty.

I hope your day is good. Come back and sit with me on the porch another day.

Other posts you might enjoy:

1. Thursday Thirteen Number Forty—Things I’m Learning From Blogging
2. Thursday Thirteen Number 26. Scattered
3. Thursday Thirteen Number 27. YOU be Dear Abby
4. Thursday Thirteen Number Thirty-Seven. My Distractions.
5. Thursday Thirteen Number 29 Make A Difference

Tagged as: guilt, humor, Silly Is My Middle Name, Thursday Thirteen