Y’all, I try hard to be a nice person. At least in public. Even though it’s not really a secret that I can sling profanity well enough to embarrass a sailor, I don’t go around cussing people out at the stores or when I drive down the road. I try hard to live by that Golden Rule. I try to be “ladylike,” and true to my Southern upbringing.
You may have noticed I’ve made my blog a “Kind Blog,” and I try to keep it G-rated; I don’t rant about specific people (even when I really want to do so!).
Sometimes I have days when the facade cracks. On those days, my Evil Twin takes over. There are two things that will trigger that: menopausal hot flashes or (even more serious) a lack of caffeine in my bloodstream. If my body would get past the hot flashing, and if I could have an IV drip of caffeine, I’d be OK. Usually, I don’t have to deal with both irritants on the same day, but then there are those days. Perhaps you have had one like it.
I awoke at 4 am the other morning. There was no good reason for it, except that my body has gone haywire with menopause. My internal thermostat is totally whacky, and out of the blue I will find myself overheated and drenched in sweat. Trust me, it’s not pretty.
If you are a man (who doesn’t have to endure menopause) or one of those prissy women who say, “I never had night sweats,” I don’t want to hear it. Don’t mess with me, I’m hormonal. Don’t tell me to take hormones, either, because I don’t want the side effects. If you aren’t old enough for menopause, just wait. You’re gonna love it.
I digress.
The other morning, after wringing out my hair and changing to dry clothing, I tried to go back to sleep. Impossible. I have a needy cat named Walter Mitty. He spends the night aiming for one goal: to creep from the foot of the bed slowly up my body until he can drape himself across my neck. He has to be near his Momma. When he was a tiny fluffball of a kitten no bigger than the palm of my hand, it was cute that he wanted to lay on my neck. It’s not cute anymore. Imagine a 12 pound dumbbell, wrapped in an angora sweater, parked smack dab on the middle of your throat while you try to sleep. Now imagine that the dumbbell purrs and drools. That’s my dumbbell Walter.
Since I wasn’t going to sleep again, there was no point in trying. I staggered to the kitchen to make coffee, while five fe-lions threaded and wove around my feet.
“Meow,” said Walter. Loosely translated, that means,
“Coffee is more important,” I mumbled as I filled the coffeepot with water.
“ReeOWWWWR, said Lexus. For the uninitiated, that means,
Soon, McGill, Roz Purro, and Houdini all joined the chorus.
“I GOTTA GET COFFEE SO I CAN SEE!” I hissed in a stage whisper. They were not mollified and they did not hush, so I quickly threw some food at their cat bowls.
With that, I grabbed the coffee grinder and reached for the canister.
IT WAS EMPTY! OHH NOOO! I tore through the cabinets hoping to find coffee. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Not a speck of coffee to be found. Every cell in my body screamed
Panicked, I stopped and tried to breathe slowly and evenly. “AHA!” I thought, “I’ll drink a diet coke to tide me over until I can get dressed and go to the store.” I peered into the refrigerator. THERE WAS NO DIET COKE! Well, there was Caffeine Free Diet Coke, but that’s a placebo.
“AHA!” I thought again. I almost always leave a half-finished can of coke (or two or three) on the dresser or in the bathroom when I go to bed. I didn’t care if it didn’t fizz, as long as it had caffeine. With a pen light, so I wouldn’t wake my husband (as if there was any chance he could sleep through the uproar) I bumped through the darkness trying to find where I had left one the night before. The cats helped me in my search. They kept tripping me, and I kept muttering expletives.
Sometimes I am too efficient for my own good. I had dumped all the cans the night before and thrown them in the recycle bin. Short of dragging a can out of the trash and licking the rim, the only way I was going to get caffeine was to go to the store at 4:30 in the morning. Furiously, I threw on my clothes and grabbed my keys. I dashed to the car so fast that I forgot to get my glasses, and you might be aware that without my glasses I can’t see diddly squat.
When I arrived at the Kroger store, there were no other customers blocking my way. Lucky them, because in the mood I had on at that moment, I’d have knocked them clear into next week if they got in my way. My Evil Twin had taken over. The Starbucks kiosk was closed, of course, but seeing it made me start to shake. I was seriously jonesing for some coffee. However, I did have the presence of mind to realize that while I was at the store I should get some of the other groceries we needed. I got cat food, some frozen meals, lettuce, tomatoes, celery, bread, milk, and on and on. Before it was done, I had a cart load. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went to the checkout line.
My Kroger store doesn’t open the regular registers that early in the morning. If you shop at that time of morning, you have to use the self-checkout. There were three cashiers standing there talking, but I had to check out my own groceries. Without my glasses! These snot nosed teenagers were totally unconcerned about my plight.
I hate those dadburn machines! I don’t want a machine chit-chatting with me while I check out. This one seemed as blind as I was, because it couldn’t seem to register the bar code on the first swipe.
“Welcome” said a sultry woman’s voice. “Thank you for shopping Kroger. If you have a Kroger Plus card please enter it n…”
“I did,” I said, as the machine made a horrible “Bliddiup” sound to show that I had.
As I scanned the first item it said, “Please scan your firs..”
“I did!” I fumed.
“Thank you. Please place your item in the bag.”
“Can you give me a minute?!” I grumbled. This went on and on.
Then, I got to the vegetables. The machine wanted me to pick a vegetable from a group of pictures, and they all looked alike to me. “Can you please help me?” I asked one of the checkers.
He condescended to saunter over and say, “Just press the picture of celery.”
Through gritted teeth, with a sweet Southern drawl, I said, “Well, I would, Darlin’, if I could see it.”
Exasperated with me, he pushed the button and started back to his group of friends. I said, “Hold it now, I have other vegetables and I can’t see those pictures either.”
He had the gall to mutter under his breath, but stayed to help me finish with the checkout. I put my groceries back in the cart and when I went past that young pup, he said (in a sneering tone), “You have a nice day.” I knew he didn’t mean it, and it was the last straw.
Right out loud, right there in the Kroger Store, I told that boy to perform an act upon himself that was anatomically impossible. Feeling very self-satisfied, I marched my groceries out to the car, and sat down in the driver’s seat with a sigh.
THAT’S when I realized that in my struggle to be efficient and get the other groceries we needed
Well, y’all, I couldn’t go back in the Kroger Store after that unladylike outburst, so I drove across town to the all-night coffee house on the square and ordered up a mocha with 5 shots of espresso. Later in the day, I went to a different store and stocked up a months supply of caffeine.
I can never let that happen again, I don’t like to see my Evil Twin, so I need y’all to remind me now and then. Just drop in and gently say,
I’d appreciate that. So would the morning cashiers at the Kroger Store.
Other posts you might enjoy:
- Foxy Lady
- Don’t You Just Hate It When…
- A Bag Lady Again
- Ripped From The Headlines
- That I Love Lucy Lady
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{ 22 comments }
That post was priceless. Reminds me of some of you’re earlier ones.
Thanks, Janet. I’ve gotten away from writing the way I used to do. Too much with the SAS stuff. I had seen about Toby in feed, but got sidetracked. Long story. I’m glad Toby is better! I’m glad he survived!~skt
Thanks Shelly, it’s been awhile since I shot milk out of my nose and peed my pants laughing at the same time. The visual imagery was just stunning! I’m so looking forward to menopause.
~skt
Glad to be of service
Yes, I laughed, but I stopped laughing at the young man’s actions, I got so mad, I wanted to drive out there and tell him the same thing… but then when you forgot the coffee, well, I laughed again, I’m so sorry, but you just tell it so well… and it is so easy to relate to… not that I suffer from ho… oops.
Yes you do, and don’t deny it! That’s something I know we have in common. I think I let that young man know exactly how I felt. Unfortunately, I didn’t take him and shake him. He will probably do it again to another little old lady like me
~skt
Oh, shit. I was afraid of this, Shelly.
I am your evil twin!! Oh, honey… I was right there with you! Don’t even tell me about hot flashes! I mean, shouldn’t a flash, flash?? How on earth can anyone call your chest, neck head and face simultaneously bursting into flame and then having the gall to keep burning despite the gallons of perspiration that would quench a freaking forest fire, a “flash”?!
Goodness, grrrlie. Been there, done that, sister. I’m thru the worst of it, (and I don’t do HRT, either) I don’t get homicidal too often these days, but I still run hot (I think somebody left my motor running…)
Great story Shel… missed ya! Glad you’re back! (Get thee to the post office, wench, and ship my squares!!!)
*muuaaah*!)
Thy squares are shipped! You are not my evil twin…and flashes DO flash sometimes. The night sweats are what really kill me, but I still call ‘em hot flashes. Something about calling it “sweat” just bothers me. I wish it was a ladylike “dew.”~skt
I laughed myself silly over this one. Great stuff Shelly.
I always say that the person who *needs* the coffee shouldn’t be allowed to make it! I’ve got too many stories of my own – pouring the coffee over my cereal, adding salt instead of sugar, you name it…
Oh, I’d eat the cereal even if I poured coffee on it, but I don’t think I would drink it with salt. You never know, though, when I’m having a caffeine fit! Thanks for the kind words, Robin. Coming from a writer as good as you, it humbles me~skt
Whatever. He deserved it. You don’t mess with a woman who can’t see *and* hasn’t had caffeine. That’s just asking for trouble
I need to get a whole group of you gals and we will storm the Kroger store and teach ‘em a thing or two! No wait a minute…I have to be kind. Never mind
I have to keep reminding myself.~skt
Ok I am glad to hear that I’m not the only person that hates those self check out things at Kroger. The ones at walmart aren’t too bad, because they’re not so demanding. But those ones at Kroger just tick me off!
I’m glad you got your coffee, after all. I can definitely relate to having a caffeine fit.
God bless
Yes, if you get addicted to caffeine, you know about “withdrawal”
I hate self check out and will avoid it whenever I can. If I ever meet the woman who did the “voice” on that Kroger machine, you will have to hold me back. That’s the most annoying woman I’ve ever heard!~skt
Shelly you know this one had me under my desk crying. I have been there. No night sweats but I am awaiting at baited breathe for them.
But I have bouts with insomnia that require large doses of caffeine to make me sociable. I also have to 15 pound dog dog named Jazz who refuses to stay on his end of the bed *SIGH*
This combination has put me in the middle of Wal-Mart @ 3 am trying to find some full throttle in the midst of people pissed that they have to work there. This in turn gives way to my Shameless Truth Giving alter ego
. My alter ego often makes my “Southern Belle” mother feel as if she has failed miserably.:oops:
Fear not Ms. Shelley…You are not alone.
I know I’m not alone, Miss Ingrid! Maybe I should give you Walter, so he and Jazz can sleep on each other! Insomnia is part of this middle aged deal. Your momma and my momma would both be ashamed of us when we turn it loose on others. Unfortunately, I can’t do your Shameless Truth persona on this blog or I would never work again!
Good luck on that insomnia. You want me to send you some caffeine? I’m well-stocked now!~skt
Thanks for making me laugh. I knew you were going to forget the coffee. Me, I usually go for t.p. and get everything else but that.
And I have a little 5″ fan by the side of my bed, to use in addition to the ceiling fan. Can turn it on at 3 a.m. and get a straight shot of cold air. Beats running out in the yard naked just to dry off. Altho that can be fun too, depending on the neighbors.
Well, Moanna, I wish I had known I was going to forget coffee! I have a fan running all the time, but it’s not much help, especially with that darn cat. My poor husband wants to cuddle, and I growl “Don’t touch me!” My voice sounds like that chick in The Exorcist when I do. I hate what Mother Nature does to us!
~skt
i’m really glad i don’t have a caffeine addiction… if i did, and was in that same scenario, i can’t even imagine what would have happened at 5am at the grocery store.
i probably would not ever be welcomed (read: allowed) back again.
They may not welcome ME back either, Kendra. I was rather “graphic.”
~skt
Hey, LOVE the title of this post.. and I like your blog. Bookmarking it now. But.. um.. just cuz I’ve had cocktails that make me brave enough to say it…
the font is a little hard to read.. for us older girls *grin*
Oh, Mia, I know the font is hard to read. I’m an old lady myself. But, I’m also not a very technologically savvy old lady. If I try to change it myself…I’ll probably lose the whole blog. Why did you have cocktails and I didn’t have any? Where’s the justice?
Thanks for visiting, and I’m glad you liked it. ~skt
Gosh you are a bear without your caffeine! Although I’d probably have wanted to smack that ‘youngin’ silly.
I don’t know what it’s like where you live but we are in an extremely low unemployment crisis and this means that everyone feels secure in their jobs and the young kids are getting snottier and snottier.
I don’t know if low unemployment was his problem, or just that there seemed to be no adults on duty
I don’t get the smart mouth attitude that kids have. My parents would have tanned me raw if I acted like that. And, I’ve never been called a “bear,” but I’ve been called the equivalent of a “female dog” when I don’t have my coffee.:lol: I wear the title proudly~skt
Hi ~ I just came upon your blog today and am so glad that I did. You are funny! and I was definitely in need of some levity in my day. Thank you! junemoon PS you have so many bells and whistles on your blog site! I am very new to blogging and am both fascinated and a bit overwhelmed by all of the add-ons. I’ll check out some of yours so thanks for that too.
Junemoon, I’m so glad you visited, too!
If I can make you laugh sometimes, that’s all I need for my purpose in the day. Don’t get overwhelmed by the add-ons. I have too much, but I can’t shut up! Good luck with your blogging. I’ll hope to make it by to visit as soon as life gets a little settled. This crochet project has me swamped right now.~skt
There I was in the middle of laughing hysterically and typing to tell you that it was a brilliant description ,,, and the power went out. Obviously those are very powerful hormones you are unleashing on the world.
Should you run out of feline spokespeople, I will quite willingly loan you the jungle quartet that serenades our household every a.m.
I have powerful hormones, Jamie, but I don’t think it affected the power in Washington! I won’t run out of felines, let me tell you that! I have a doormat at the front door that says, “Ring Bell, Win Cat.” You would be surprised at the look on some folks faces. It gives them “paws.” Thanks as always for the kind words.~skt
Okay, so you know what’s going to happen right? You are going to meet some very nice lady who in turn will introduce you to her son who will turn out to be….yep, caveman grocery clerk. He should be lucky to be left standing.
That whole waking up thing is the pits and bet you didn’t even get a nap later on in the day.
Okay, so I am going to need some multiple feline advice…do all your cats have their own bowls? We haven’t let the kittens out of the bathroom yet and one of our cats seems to be afraid.
I’ll smack the “nice lady” for not teaching her kids some sense!
No, I won’t. I forgot. I’m “kind.”
Feline advice: You should have asked me before you brought a “set” home! I’ll never adopt two at once again (they bond with each other instead of the humans). Yes, each cat has its own bowl, and almost it’s own litterbox (we have four for five cats). Let the kittens out of the bathroom, and just ignore them so your other cat doesn’t get jealous. It will work itself out. Good luck with all that! Kittens are adorable, so I envy that.~skt
I’m so glad BlogHer linked to this post today because it’s priceless! As another hot-flashing, caffeine-addicted woman, I’d think you were behaving perfectly normally if you’d bopped the snot-nosed kid over the head with the aforementioned bunch of celery. Just sayin’…
Where were you when I needed you, Deb? I didn’t even think to smack him. Tongue lashing! That’s what I did. Thanks for stopping by. We caffeine-addicted, menopausal broads have to stick together!
~skt
Caffeine addictions and menopause? LOL Oh my, sweetie, been there, done that–still do actually! and I think “Evil Twin” is a perfect description.
In your defense, though, the service in stores is ridiculous. Anytime you ask for something that’s the reaction you get. My daughter just got her frist job and I told her if she does that to someone, I will personally come whack her over the head. I can’t stand that…..It’s about time some nice person snapped and told them off! Maybe the word will spread over to all the other grocery stores and you’ll have made the world a better place
And…just one bit of advice…I know you said not to tell you, but I’m going to anyway…A lovely procedure put my into surgical menopause at 33. Supposedly, that’s worse because it happens all at once instead of gradually, but it was bad. I, too, opted for the no hormone route initially, but like you I couldn’t sleep because of night sweats and hot flashes. My hands and joints also got so achy they screened me for rheumatoid arthritis. My eyes and my skin dried out and I was just so uncomfortable that the doctor convinced me to try a very low dose of hormones for a while. I did and while the symptoms didn’t entirely disappear on the lowest dose, it was much better. Because of my age, I ended up taking them for 5 years until the symptoms completely vanished. I now have no hormones but no symptoms either. There is light at the end of the tunnel!!! Hang in there!!!
Completely done with menopause and STILL a rock chick
Jessica
So jealous of the completely done part of that comment, Jessica. Mine are actually a lot better than they have been, but if they clear up completely WHAT WILL I COMPLAIN ABOUT?? Yeah, kids are smart aleck, and parents don’t teach them any better. I watch parents let their kids talk back to them, and all I can think is, “That’s gonna come back to bite you in the butt!”~skt
I totally understand
my husband says I’m like his furnance,I radiate heat.
we have had very talkative cats,inflection on their tone I think is key,everyone that heard Marmalade laughed,it always sounded like she said RIGHT NOW.if you told wait a minute or just a second.
coffee is a must for me,and please don’t talk to me and want answers before the first cup is downed.
Kroger kids here are pretty good and mannerly,but the ones at walmart that act like you are an annoyance to their days irks me to no end. Linda
Hey Linda! Thanks for coming in to comment! Yes, I know what you mean about answering questions before that first cup of coffee. And, I’m with you ALL THE WAY on the heat. My cats all talk to me in different tones, too, but do you notice they don’t “talk” to each other? Mind don’t. I wonder if all cats are that way?~skt
Note to self: Beware of blind, menopausal cat owners in need of caffeine.
Actually it does happen to men too. It’s called “andropause.” Please don’t ask me how I learned this little know fact last year.
OK, first, I love the fact that your cat is named Walter Mitty.
As for the coffee — I’m the same way. HAVE TO HAVE IT! And my need is so great, I probably would have slunk back into the grocery store, even after an altercation with an employee. Sad, I know. It’s the one vice I can’ imagine giving up. And it’s not just the caffeine, but the ritual …
Hahaha, I have issues with the Kroger self-checkout as well. The caffeine of choice that I’m addicted to is green tea…it’s pretty strong stuff because we get the kind grown in Japan. The only thing that weans me off it is when I get really busy and I opt to sleep in a bit later over getting up to make it. I really should try working harder at getting up earlier, ah well!
I love how you tell a story…off to add you to my feed reader, lols.
so how’s the caffeine supply today Shelly?
LOL, dear Lord I loved this post so much I was roaring with laughter. I had vivid pictures of you in that grocery store. And I know how you feel about not getting caffeine when you need it. hahaha. simply adorable!=)
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