For those of you who don’t know it, my name is Shelly Kneupper Tucker. Now, that “Kneupper” is pronounced like “new purr” or “nuper.” Imagine my surprise when I was browsing the aisles of Walgreen’s and found this ointment.

Nupercainal? It’s for hemorrhoids. So, you think I’m a pain in the what? I was a little bit embarrassed to buy this, but I just had to do it. I explained at great length my motives to the clerk who checked me out. I told her that I didn’t really need hemorrhoid ointment, but I was photographing it for my blog. I had to have it so I could bring it home to photograph for my readers. She looked at me like I was an ass.

The things I do for you! Well, I’m not really doing it for you. I’m doing it in the hopes of winning cold hard cash. That’s right. The Parent Bloggers Network and Sick of Lawsuits are sponsoring a Wacky Warning Label Contest. You can find out more about it by clicking here.

All you have to do to win $200 grand prize or one of three $100 prizes is to find a wacky warning label, post it on your blog before Friday night, and link back to The Parent Blogger Network (http://blog.parentbloggers.com) and Sick of Lawsuits (http://www.sickoflawsuits.com). Then, send them the link to your post - parentbloggers@gmail.com.

What qualifies as “wacky?” Well, PBN says “if a reasonable person wouldn’t do what the warning label is advising against, then it qualifies!”

I figured that a hemorrhoid cream would probably have a “wacky” warning label. Wouldn’t you think so? Well, you’re darn tootin’, so to speak. Read for yourself.

Was that too fuzzy? It warns, and I quote,” Do not use in or near the eyes.” Oh, yeah. Like hemorrhoid cream is my favorite color of eye shadow.

Now, I do know some seemingly intelligent women who claim that using hemorrhoid cream around their eyes will reduce wrinkles. I’m not sure they are being very reasonable.

Umm.

I don’t know how to put this delicately.

Perhaps with a few well placed mirrors those women should examine the area where this cream is supposed to be applied. I don’t think they really want to look like that. Besides, the stuff stinks to high Heaven!

This label also warns, I’m quoting again, “Do not use in infants under 2 years of age.” I just don’t know what kind of lunatic would do that. And what kind of infant is so anal retentive that they get hemorrhoids? I don’t want to be around that kid when it grows up.

Finally, it warns, “For external use only.” Dang. Do I look that dumb?

Don’t answer that one.

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