Dear Abby,
I’ve been promising my readers that I would have a contest on my blog, but I have so little time! I’ve been crocheting for a cause, and having to work, too! On top of that, there are the holidays upon us AND my husband and I are planning a last minute getaway leaving in the morning for San Francisco! I don’t know what to do! I barely have time to catch my breath.
Signed,
Waiting to exhale

Dear Waiting,
You are full of hot air! You’ve got plenty of time. Just post this as your Thursday Thirteen, and go off on your little jaunt. You can answer the letters and judge the competition when you come back. And, don’t take any of that darned yarn with you! I want to go with!
Signed,
Abby

She’s here! Dear Abby is back. I need a little humor in my life right now to make me jolly, so I want y’all to enter the Dear Abby Writing contest. This is the post you will see for the next few days. It has some examples of letters, the prize and the rules, but you have to scroll down to see it all.

Now, last time, Jamie at Durward Discussion was the winner, though there were many fine entries! After it was all said and done, Jamie didn’t want to stop, so she sent me another. Here’s the letter she sent with Abby’s answer.

Dear Abby,
Father gives my sister and me a small allowance, despite having rich relatives. Ever since remarrying, he has been very stingy. I did try to cheer up with a trip to the store to buy some needed tools, but it just wasn’t as much fun as a new dress. I’m trying to think of something entertaining to do when they lay down for their daily afternoon naps. What would you suggest?
Signed,
Lizzie Borden

Dear Lizzy,
You are doing quite a hatchet job on your father’s reputation. It sounds as if you have an ax to grind. Though it may sound whacky, perhaps your father is trying to help you. I know its murder not to have money when you want it, but you should be kind and gentle so you don’t get cut out of the will.
Signed,
Abby

Does that give you an idea of what type of letter to write (Jamie, you can enter again, and I hope you do!)? Abbie is a bit of a smart aleck, but you probably expected that.

Still don’t get the picture? Well, here are some more:

Dear …Abby,
I’ve been thinking…my public…might enjoy…my rendition of the classic…Christmas carols. Of course…not singing…but in my distinctive…style of speaking. Perhaps…“White Christmas”…or…”O…Little Town of…Bethlehem”…done with a…synthesizer in the…background. What…are your…thoughts.
Signed…
William…Shatner

Dear Bill,
You want to tell Christmas songs? That’s criminal! I hope you have a good defense. What’s with a good Jewish boy like yourself wanting to “perform” Christmas carols? Isn’t it enough that you ruined Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds for everyone who loved the song? Let the Gentiles enjoy their Christmas songs!
Get…over yourself…and…come back down…to earth…Rocket Man.
I think it’s going to be a long…long time…before anyone…wants to hear your…Christmas songs.
Signed,
Abby

Dear Abby,
People think I am rude, when I am just being truthful. How can I be expected to simper and say, “That’s a lovely song,” when people are croaking like frogs in a pond? It’s absolutely loathsome. Everyone thinks they can sing. I’d rather hear William Shatner singing Christmas carols, for Heaven’s sake. What’s a fellow to do?
Signed,
Simon Cowell

Dear Simon,
Try being truthful without being rude! A white lie now and then would keep from hurting people’s feelings. If you do that maybe you won’t be the most reviled man in America. Of course, you won’t get any work, but I don’t hear anyone crying over that.
And, if you want to hear Bill singing Christmas carols, I…think…that…can be arranged.
Signed,
Abby

Dear Abby,
Our employer works us like crazy during the holiday season. We work around the clock making toys for children (even those who have been naughty) for no pay. And, he expects us to be jolly about it! The rest of the year, we just fritter away our time making cookies. We’ve asked him to plan better, but all he says is “Ho, ho, ho.” Should we walk out? Let him buy toys from China!
Signed
The elves

Dear Elves,
Hold on a second Little Guys, there are plenty of people in America who would love to work for nothing. You could be replaced in a heartbeat. ¿Usted sabe?
Walking out on the job never solved anything, and will just make your public hate you. Just look at the writer’s strike! People all over America have to resort to watching reality shows or Jay Leno re-runs (and he wasn’t funny the first time around). Stay on the job and do your best work. Any job worth doing is worth doing well.
Signed,
Abby

Dear Abby,
Last year, there was a dirty old man at the mall who said he was Santa Claus. He made me sit in his lap and tell him what I wanted for Christmas. I did it, even though he was a stranger. He pushed me off his lap! On Christmas Day, I got some cheap junk toys made in China. Maybe I wasn’t the nicest kid on the block, but I think I deserve better than that.
Signed
Disgruntled Little Boy

Dear Disgruntled,
You kids today have such a sense of entitlement. Getting Christmas presents is a privilege, not a right. You should be glad to get anything, because there are children starving in China! Why do you think you deserve presents? It’s not your birthday, anyway. Straighten up and fly right, or you might wind up with a well-deserved lump of coal in your stocking!
Signed,
Abby

Dear Abby,
The big guy in the red suit treats me like an animal. In fact, no animal should be treated this way. He expects me to fly around the world in twenty four hours pulling a sleigh crammed with toys (with no cooperation from DanceR and Prancer or Vixen). I get no respect. I think there is a lawsuit in this, don’t you?
Signed
Rudolph

Dear Rudy,
Are you trying to pull a Rodney Daingerfield act? This country is too quick to litigate. Try negotiation first. And, always be sure you do your best work. Let your light shine, and maybe the big guy can see the way to treating you better.
Signed,
Abby

Dear Abby,
Everyone is cranky. PETA is threatening suit over the way I treat Rudolph, the elves are threatening a walkout (the little ingrates), and no one wants toys from China! A little boy had the nerve to call me a dirty old man. Well, he sat on my lap and peed on me, it’s not my fault. How can I keep my jolly disposition? I hate holidays.
Signed
Santa Claus

Dear Santa,
Well, what do you expect? Trying to do a year’s worth of work in two months would make a saint cranky! From the letters I am getting about you, it sounds as if you are no saint! Maybe upper management isn’t the job for you. At the very least, I think you need some sensitivity training and a course in how to allocate your time. And, you might watch out about having those little boys sit in your lap. That could be a lawsuit!
Signed,
Abby

Dear Abby,
My girlfriend objects that I like to have a drink in the evenings. How can I get Mary to understand my needs?
Signed,
Count Dracula

Dear Count,
I hate to stick my neck out with this answer. I bloody well don’t understand Mary’s objections. You’ll have to write and give me enough information that I can sink my teeth into it.
Signed,
Abby

Dear Abby,
People think I have a bad temper. If their workplace was as hot as a sauna and they had to deal with idiot drivers, they might get angry, too. How can I defend myself against their slander? So, I slapped a tape recorder out of a reporter’s hands, and maybe I get a little angry when I drive. Big deal.
Signed,
Tony Stewart, race car driver

Dear Tony,
Whoa, big boy. Wave a yellow flag here. I think you are getting all revved up about nothing. Stay on track. It’s the pits to have people speaking ill of you, but rise above it. Control your rage or you will be making the news as often as Britney. Come to think of it, it’s working for her.
Signed,
Abby

Dear Abby,
My sweet princess plans on marrying another, though I know we have chemistry. She can’t see past my ugly exterior to the beauty within. I want to win her love. What can I do?
Signed,
Shrek

Dear Shrek,
To quote another famous cartoon character, “It ain’t easy being green.” You make your princess sound like an ogress. Maybe there is more to her than meets the eye. Don’t be an ass, just continue to shower her with affection. With any luck, you will have a fairy tale ending and will soon hear the patter of lots of little sequels.
Signed,
Abby

Are there prizes? You can pamper yourself or someone you love with a bath set from Lush in San Francisco. It’s a place that makes handmade cosmetics and skin care products. If you don’t want it, I do! You’ve got your Olive Branch shower gel “to hold you in its arms and keep you safe;” your bath bomb (can I send that in the mail?) and your bath soap made with extra virgin olive oil (not necessarily for virgins). Light a candle, sit back in the tub and wash your cares away.

Here’s all you have to do to enter the Dear Abby Writing Contest:

Dear Abby,
There weren’t thirteen Dear Abby letters in this post! What am I going to do?!! People are expecting thirteen things! My brain isn’t working and I can’t think of another! I have to get packed, I need to go to the bank, and empty the refrigerator, and water the plants, and my stepson has a Christmas concert tonight! I don’t know how I can get it all done! I won’t be able to answer comments, and I won’t get to visit anyone! What if someone has a question?!! Are you sure this is such a good idea?!!
Signed,
At A Loss

Dear Loser,
Do you want a little cheese with that whine? No one is counting, because you filled up the stupid page. Count the rules and the picture of the prize and you have more than thirteen. Has anyone ever told you to lose the exclamation mark key on your computer? And, have you tried using word count? That was more than 75 words!
Just tell your readers to go ahead and leave a comment. Even though you don’t use Mr. Linky, they will be magically linked. You can chat with them all when you return.
Now, take a deep breath, get it all done and go to San Francisco. Take that red sweater for me to wear, it will look wonderful with my hair.
Signed,
Abby

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