Hi.

My name is Shelly, and I’m a stress addict.

In unison, everyone, “Hi, Shelly.”

Yes, folks. I don’t know how it happened. I just had a couple of projects going, and added a couple more. I have deluded myself into thinking that having several things going at a time keeps me interested and focused. I’ve made myself think that it is what keeps me calm! Next thing you know, life slaps me in the face with lots of problems, and I have five more stressors. But, I don’t slow down! I thought I could stop anytime I wanted, but I was wrong!

I’ve had to accept the fact that I am an adrenaline junkie. If I don’t have ten projects working, then I add more until life spirals out of control.

This habit wreaked havoc upon my body. Rheumatoid arthritis is affected by stress, and mine has been “in a flare” for months. Every joint of my body aches, and I’m exhausted all the time. My friends SusieJ and Judy have both told me that I needed to be doing yoga exercises. They pointed out that yoga would help the flexibility of my joints AND help me learn to be calm and relaxed.

I decided to take their advice. I went to my favorite bookstore (I’ve told you about Recycled Books on the square here in Denton), to rummage around and see if I could find a yoga book that would meet my needs. People, I’ve looked at some of those yoga books, and I know darned well I could never twist my body into those poses. Even when I was a young woman, I couldn’t bend into those pretzel shapes. I’m definitely no spring chicken. I needed a beginner book, one that would take into account that I don’t have a lot of flexibility.

I found just the one I needed. When I opened it up, the models looked like real people (not impossibly trim and fit exercise addicts). One woman even had a “muffin top” like mine. You know, the roll above the waistband of the pants.

It’s called “Yoga For Wimps—Poses for the Flexibly Impaired.” Miriam Austin must have written that book just for me. A quick glance at it showed that mostly the models used a chair, towels and some old neckties (for the stretching). I figured I’d get out my Three Stooges neckties to use, since that seemed appropriate. I bought that book and came home excited about trying it out.

I opened the book to the first chapter, and it had some exercises where I was supposed to get into what she calls the “staff pose.” That meant I had to put my butt against a wall, and extend my legs straight up the wall.

That was my first problem. A wall.

Yes, I have walls at my house. Lots of them. And, they all have furniture in front of them. I searched around the house for twenty minutes just trying to find a patch of wall big enough to try these exercises. I was getting furious, and stomping from room to room when I spied the one bit of wall that wasn’t covered by a couch.

The landing on the stairs.

Seriously. It’s not a very big space, but there is a little bit of wall. There just isn’t much floor in front of it. In fact, when I put my rear end against the wall, my torso was too long for the space. The upper staircase was in the way. So, I cocked my head to one side to try to do it anyway…

My legs were straight up against the wall, my body was warped in a weird angle, and I was trying to do breathing exercises to calm and center myself while I flexed my feet toward me. Unfortunately, with my windpipe twisted at a right angle, breathing wasn’t very easy. I persevered.

For the second exercise, from that “Staff Pose,” I was supposed to “simply” widen my legs. Unfortunately, that part of the wall isn’t very wide. Ms. Austin wrote in her book, “Gravity is your friend.”

You know that “friend” in high school who made catty remarks behind your back and stole your boyfriend? That’s the kind of “friend” that gravity is to me. I was struggling in that space the size of a postage stamp. My legs wouldn’t stay against the wall, and I couldn’t keep my butt against the wall. I was getting red in the face trying, but I kept after it.

I was getting the hang of it……..until I ran into five more problems.

Five cats decided that Mommy must be playing a fun game!

Now, y’all, if I had gotten on the floor and called, “Here, kitty, kitty,” every single one of those cats would have ignored me. They would have sat upon some lofty perch and preened with a Cheshire Cat grin upon their faces. They would have done that just to drive me nuts.

Because I looked like I was concentrating and didn’t need any help, they decided they needed to supervise. One decided to sit on my chest. Another wanted to chew my hair. A third stretched up the wall to try to pat my knees. The other two just sat and “meowed” right in my face. It was that loud cry they do in the morning when they are trying to talk me into feeding them. Very annoying.

Cussing and screaming at them, I tried to continue my exercises, attempting to concentrate and breathe properly so I could relax. It’s hard to relax when you are turning the air blue. They simply would. not. leave. me. alone.

When I finally threw in the towel, I know my blood pressure had skyrocketed, and I didn’t feel the least bit calm. Under the circumstances, I’m not sure that yoga is right for me. Maybe that’s why that book was for sale at a used book store? Somebody else was just as wimpy as I am. I’m too wimpy even for the simple exercises. How stressful is that?

I think I’ll drink a beer on the porch (far away from the cats) and try to come up with another project to calm me down.