The last many months for me has been nothing but go. . . go. . . GO! Every woman out there knows what I mean, and I believe that most men understand it, too. Some of us fill our lives so full that we barely get to enjoy the things we do. I’m one of those people.
Aside from duties as wife, homemaker, parent, and self-employed professional storyteller, I’m also a blogger, a “crafter,” and a self appointed “do-gooder.” I don’t know how that happened except that I just kept saying, “yes.” I got so disorganized, and my life got so unbalanced, that my body is currently teaching me how to say, “no.” I stressed myself to the max, exhaustion hit, and then I came down with a cold that I can’t shake. I have spent three days barely motivating from bed to couch and back again. My physical body reached its limit and has caused me to come to a screeching halt.
I’m not getting any work done, and of course I feel guilty about it.
I think part of my problem has been that I was brought up to fully embrace the demands that society puts on me. Momma didn’t mean to do it, but she taught me that if my house is dirty it is a reflection upon me as a homemaker…not on the other people sharing a house with me. When my Sweet Spousal Unit washes dishes for me, I am conditioned to take that as a silent rebuke of my homemaking skills (when that is not his intent at all!). I also, somehow, absorbed the idea that a woman must be out in the real world earning a wage. I feel guilty if I don’t bring home some bacon and then fry it when I get home! If there isn’t enough storytelling work, I fill my time with other projects that give me a sense of self-worth.
Our whole society has made some pretty impossible demands on women (and men, too). I’m conditioned to feel guilty and unworthy if I don’t meet those expectations of “Super Woman.” How about you?
I recently read an article by Martha Beck, who is an author and a life coach. In her article “In defense of an unbalanced life,” Beck postulates
“I can tell you with absolute assurance that it is impossible for women to achieve the kind of balance recommended by many well-meaning self-help counselors. I didn’t say such balance is difficult to attain. I didn’t say it’s rare. I said it’s ‘impossible.‘”
Beck likened our ridiculous guilt over not meeting society’s expectations to any individual feeling “guilty” for not preventing Hurricane Katrina. It’s not our fault that we can’t meet those expectations. It can’t be done. She suggests that we recognize that society places impossible demands upon us and join a “gentle rebellion” to create our own cultural paradigm, by seeking the balance within ourselves.
Is that possible?
How do we sift and sort through the ideas of our expectations to determine which are ours alone and which are taught us by our society? How do we create our own balance? Those are questions I will be pondering for myself over the next several weeks, as I try to re-claim my life from the hurricane that I have created.
Ms Beck said, “Women describe the moments when they really “got” that the expectations they’d been trying to fulfill were unfulfillable. They say this epiphany was terrible because it meant relinquishing the goal of total social acceptance. But it was also the beginning of freedom, of learning to seek guidance by turning inward to the heart, rather than outward to social prescriptions.”
I’ve “got” that it’s time to change my expectations of myself. Now, I’d love to hear your views on the subject. I propose something of a “group writing” project. I have no clue what to call the project; maybe just “Finding Balance.” If you’d like to write a post, do so by May 9th, and then come tell me. If you don’t have a blog, send me an e-mail and I’ll post what you have to say. I’ll combine the links to any posts.
I’d like to know how you define “balance.” Do you believe there is there such a thing, and how do you achieve it? Have you joined the “Gentle Rebellion” of which Beck speaks? Do you cling to the expectations that our society has upon you, or do you make up your own rules?
Maybe with your combined wisdom, I can figure out my dilemma!
[Find other Group Writing Projects]
UPDATE: The results (though not many) are posted here. But, what I’ve really learned about balance, I discovered while dancing.
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Great challenge. I hope you get the answers you are looking for. I am sure we will all gain by your asking the question.
Marcia’s last blog post..3WW - Word Power
Shelly,
I am SO with you!!! My “Gentle Rebellion” has started full time. Since mid-April I’ve been taking “time off” from my outside commitments and working “my time”. It is helping bring balance back to me. AND I love it!!!!! Soon it will be time to pick up my “outside” commitments and work to keep them in balance. I know it is worth it!
Good for you for figuring it out. Take Care, Deborah
I can’t seem to find any balance lately. I could fall over standing up, I swear! If I think of something, though, I for sure will enter!
Working up an idea to promote your Camp Donations with a contest for my upcoming blogaversary…..I’ll let you know when I put it all together
Jessica The Rock Chick’s last blog post..Why Won’t The World Stop
My life just spun completely out of orbit this week, so I don’t think I’m in a very good place to write about balance right now. Too bad you didn’t ask last week when it was all going along swimmingly.
Send a good thought my way, would you?
Sigh…
Robin’s last blog post..Not the future of the entire planet, but the future of some very special children
[...] for this inaugural edition, is Shelly Tucker’s launch of a new group writing project, Gentle Rebellion - Finding Balance over at her blog, This Eclectic Life. The project’s description, in Shelly’s own words, [...]
[...] Finding Balance Group Writing Project Submit your entry until 2008-05-09 here [...]
[...] are supposed to be helping me by participating in a group writing project, and none of you have said a [...]
At 63, I know that not all mothers were housewives and not all girls were reared with ‘you’re responsible’ mantras. Perhaps it’s an Irish thing, a Texas thing, a “I hated my Aunt who raised me” thing (from Mom) - or the fact that we had three girls, three cats, a mom, and a dad who worked out at the oil fields in our household.
Life is not easy. Learn it, teach it.
Life is not fair, you make your own opportunities. Learn it, teach it.
Love comes around over and over and over and cushions every pain. Learn it, be on the outlook for it - when you need it, it’s there.
Honor doesn’t mean blind acceptance - it means Doing the Right Thing, subtly if it’s uncomfortable or less efficient to do it blatantly.
Ask for help when you need it - duh.
Collaborate. Folks who are respected as part of a process take ownership in the process - just think how some men keep the workshop or their truck spotless, but throw dirty clothes up on the top shelf of the closet to keep the closet floor clear. Hint: some of us ‘who are responsible for the laundry are short’ Solution: never look on the top shelf and anything up there gets washed by them what’s put it there.
Encourage the slacker to take ownership. My kids went through the most typical slacker phases from about age 14 to their 1st apartment. The apartments were sparse (low incomes) and precious (not living at home, woowoo!) and unless the roomie was a slob (and they were out at semester) the place was bright and spotless (until a dog was adopted, then it was his fault.)
So am I in balance? ummmmmm, maybe.
I is acknowledging my destiny. I has been up and I has been down - and up is better. Didn’t someone a whole lot more famous say that?
I laugh anytime I want, anyplace…even if I have to chuckle to be polite.
I sing loudly. I teach 9th graders so everyday has its challenges as I walk knowingly into the armpit of their lives. So while I may be the teacher they love to hate, I am privileged to hear dozens of stories each year of the most atrocious lives they are living. Because I care to the bone, when they are hurt, they tell me. That is a gift I cannot explain. So I work harder, teach meaner, demand more and stay later…because this is the life to which I was led. Because they will read my stories and tell me how to abbreviate properly for IMming. Because if I do my share, they will grow. Because I take ownership. I am not an employee; I am a beacon in the teen darkness. I am a ladder to the light. I am just a mom to anyone who needs backup.
So what price did I pay?
Two divorces: one from a fine fellow who wanted to live in NYC and does. I had a 3 month baby and refused to go at that time of life.
one from a fine fellow who suffered a breakdown. You’ve seen A Beautiful Mind? I didn’t need to. He abandoned one son and cant’ remember my name if we pass at the mall.
Cost 2: Learning to be mom and dad - two sons and a daughter. I had to coach soccer…and I’m short and hefty - not an athlete. I had to be a scout leader - but I love camping. Success rate? Two doctors and an architect who spent two years in the Peace Corps.
Cost 3: forgot how to play guitar, didn’t exercise enough to keep polio muscles strong,
forgot to take vacations on teacher’s salary,
need to repaint the house, ended up living in a place with limited civic theatre (my major in college), and didn’t see my sister in Canada for 18 years because she wouldn’t come to me since her kids wanted to go to warm beaches.
All in all - at 63, balance has always been a matter of choice. I could have packed and moved back to Texas. I didn’t have to be a teacher in a low-paying state. I could have been more active in Church and civic committees and looked for a new husband. I could have taken summer jobs.
But there were so many books to read and now, with no one in the house, so many stories to write.
Regrets: I would have liked to have done more acting and directing. I would have loved to design the panoramas in museums. I would have enjoyed seeing the Pieta in Rome.
Gee, none of these were worth belly-aching.
Imbalance is itself a gift - a moment of time moving so fast that we, as mere organisms, slow down. We are forced to take that extra breath, to endure infections that triumph over stress and fear and anger, to make hard decisions….because we are not immortals. Because tomorrows are limited and we are missing too many sunrises, too many grandchild kisses, too many inspirational scenes - we are missing the wonder of existing at all. We look away from a couple kissing goodbye at the airport; we ignore the thrill of seeing the way kids first hold hands; we don’t consider the inner sensitivities when we see the tears of someone who can only cry in the movies; we are more focused on laundry and meeting deadlines than at the pain of others who have fallen (literally and figuratively) and can’t get up alone.
We who have asked this question in the first place are capable of moving on - running track, increasing our protein, writing in journals, whatever it takes for us to purge the anger and the sense of injustices. Then we are stronger and can ‘move on.’
Too many in this world cannot.
Imbalance is a worldwide problem - who eats and who starves while we burn corn for fuel? Who thrives and who dies while antibiotics are not sent to the poor? Who abandons reason and who starts laughing at the curious paths life sends us on….and overcomes the devastation of sadness.
If the door you seek is closed, walk down the road awhile until another calls your name. Point to remember: you may not see it coming.
Thanks for asking
Kate Lacy
Fayetteville AR
[...] was a somewhat flippant, but sincere response to Shelly’s quest for understanding balance in her life. I think I kind of flitted right past her underlying question, [...]
I’m not sure I want to write about it on my blog but my world came to a crashing halt 12 years ago when my body quit. I had just finished a deal (I was a realtor), I put my Pager in the freezer and went to bed. I spent about two solid weeks in that bed, in pain and became depressed. When I finally crawled out and went to the doctor I was diagnosed with fybromyalgia. I used to work 12 hour days seven days a week. Since then I have had no choice but to pace myself and every now and again when I forget, my body lets me know it. I come by it honestly though, my Mother was exactly the same way. Now I think I have some balance but of course it’s still not perfect. I don’t think any one of us has a perfectly balanced life. I hope you feel better soon…ciao
rosittas last blog post..Wedding Anniversary
[...] dropped in and wrote a “post” in the comment section of my original post about the writing project. It’s worth skipping over there to read it. Evidently she doesn’t have a blog, but she [...]
[...] perhaps I’ve just gotten the answer I was seeking when I asked y’all to help me find life’s balance. Maybe life isn’t about following certain steps? Maybe, just maybe, I need to close my eyes [...]