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I Have To Get On The Ball

by Shelly Kneupper Tucker on June 3, 2008©

The Magic Number is:

entrance 3 4 9

Yes, I said 349.

Now, if I were playing baseball (and if I were a batter), that wouldn’t be an embarrassing batting average. I think. I don’t really know, because I don’t understand baseball. I don’t get the point of the game. You hit a little ball, run around in a circle, and wind up right back where you started. Sounds like my life, if you ask me.

If I were bowling, I’d have a better score than my Mama! Heck, the best she could ever bowl was a 300 game. That’s my bowling ball, George. I figure that if Tom Hanks can have a volleyball named “Wilson” (in the movie Cast Away), then I can have a bowling ball named George.




The game I’m playing is a little more like golf. A lower score is better.



You see, “349″ is my fasting cholesterol level!!!

Yes, I know. It’s as serious as a heart attack. It’s supposed to be under 200. But, you don’t have to send flowers to my funeral,… yet. When you do, make them yellow roses, please.

My doctor looked at the number and one eyebrow shot up (I’m so jealous of people who can do that! I can’t consciously raise one eyebrow, and it’s such a fun expression!). But, she only said, “That is probably caused by your thyroid gland.

That thyroid gland of mine is out of whack. She gave me a prescription for a little pill to take daily, and said we would check my cholesterol levels again in three months. She didn’t seem alarmed, but then she is very low key; she’s one of those women with a low, well-modulated voice. Maybe for her the raised eyebrow was the equivalent of a shriek for me.

We talked about other options for lowering my cholesterol. She suggested taking a fish oil supplement (again, a little pill), but I didn’t want to burp fish breath. So, a pill containing flaxseed oil was the option she suggested. She said I could take a Red Rice Yeast supplement at the same time, because they perform different functions.

She also suggested that since I’m a “woman of a certain age,” I should be taking calcium supplements to prevent osteoporosis. And, since calcium can cause constipation (some would say I’m already full of “it”) that I should take a magnesium supplement. By the time she got through with her suggestions, my kitchen cabinet looked like the pharmacy down at the Wal Mart store!

I decided to get on the ball and be proactive. I’ve also been eating a box and a half of Cheerios every day, because my television set told me it will lower cholesterol. I’m getting my exercise: I walk to the refrigerator several times a day. I’m also looking for other ways to lower that cholesterol.

I found this magic potion!


It’s Benecol, and it’s a spread like butter (although it doesn’t have much taste to speak of…it’s just moist). The box proclaims that if I eat a tablespoon of it a day, I can significantly lower my cholesterol. So, I’ve been spreading it on everything! Bread, potatoes, crackers, tortilla chips, cake, donuts. Well, not really. I didn’t bother to eat crackers.

I figured that if eating a little was good, eating a LOT would be better!

So, I ate a bowl of it as if it were ice cream. I had to pretend real hard, because it didn’t taste like Rocky Road.

I did that just so I could cancel out the cholesterol in my bacon!

It may be the death of me, but a girl’s gotta have her bacon.

{NOTE: Ok, don’t anyone get on my case. I’m kidding around. I don’t eat bacon all the time. I haven’t had a bite of it since yesterday.}

{ 7 comments }

Derek Wong June 3, 2008 at 10:04 am

Oh man, that’s high! I’m thinking that’s going to involve quite a bit of lifestyle change, huh? Too bad about the bacon, I know that I sure do enjoy it as well.

I also wish that I could raise just 1 eyebrow. Actually, there are a lot of things that other people can do that I wish that I could (e.g. whistle).

Derek Wongs last blog post..Neighborhood Dogs

Comedy Plus June 3, 2008 at 12:17 pm

They also have medication for that. Wow, that is high. I so know you love your bacon. I have high cholesterol too, and I watch what I eat. Good luck. You can have bacon once in a while. Really. After you get your cholesterol down. Big hug. :)

Comedy Pluss last blog post..The gynecologist

Hugs back. Yeah, the height of that cholesterol may be because of the thyroid. She’s waiting to see what that does before I bite the bullet and take more prescription meds. Here’s a secret: I “talk” about bacon LOTS, but I really don’t eat that much…in fact I don’t have any in the fridge. Don’t tell anyone :wink:

TeaMouse June 3, 2008 at 1:33 pm

OMG – that’s why it sucks to get older – thankfully though you aren’t on prescription meds, it’s good to be proactive.

My sis is on a health kick as of late. She’s getting breast pain and apparently that is caused by caffeine and high fat foods.

Gone or the good ol’ days when you just ate whatever you wanted…lol!

TeaMouses last blog post..My Quiet Place

Sweet Tea, I may wind up on prescription meds, but for right now it’s wait and see. I’ll eat whatever I want, anyway…because when I die, I’m gonna die happy! :lol:

Jeni Hill Ertmer June 3, 2008 at 1:58 pm

Caffeine causes breast pain? OMG! I’m a goner for sure then cause I have to have at least 1 -usually 3,sometimes 4 cups of coffee to get motivated even slightly, in the morning. I’d have a really difficult time giving up bacon too -even though I don’t eat it all that much, but when I do cook it, I love to get my hands on as much of it as possible. (You should see my son-in-law eat bacon – he cuts off all the fat areas and eats on the meat left behind -which to me is wasting the bacon! I generally fry it crispy-crunchy and that fat just has ALL the flavor, don’t ‘cha know!
Hope the remedies she gave you to work on the cholesteral lowering process are helpful though.

Jeni Hill Ertmers last blog post..Recapping Things

Jessica The Rock Chick June 3, 2008 at 4:20 pm

Oh wow—that’s high! My friend across the street with a thyroid problem had a cholesterol reading like that, too. Hers did go down with the medicine.

My cholesterol went wacky when I was taking a certain type of hormone replacement therapy that had testosterone in it. It made my good cholesterol drop to like nothing.

Keep eating those Cheerios, my friend!!!! I know they’re not bacon, but they’re much better for you :) Love you and hugs!

Jessica The Rock Chicks last blog post..Feel The Noise (Thursday Thirteen #39)

Marcia June 4, 2008 at 9:51 am

Join the club… I bought the flaxseed oil and the calcium with magnesium and some other minerals in it and a multivitamin – didn’t know about the red yeast rice or some of the other things in that picture. Mine was around your levels years ago, I need to have it checked again — you see I buy the stuff and forget to take it, doesn’t matter if I keep it on my desk, ’cause then it becomes part of the landscape I don’t see. I mean good things, I just don’t get there. About the only thing I did right was cut way back on dairy, oops, but then that meant less calcium, sigh.

Just do a better job at it than me, OK?!

(And yes, I’m OK, if you don’t count the cholesterol, slight weight gain, parched skin, and too much heat to exercise. :cool:)

Marcias last blog post..Dona Nobis Pacem – Responsibility is Ours

Penelope Anne June 4, 2008 at 10:35 am

I see the dietician tomorrow morning to get the low down on what my new diet should be.
Between the diabetes and the screwy triglyceried levels something needs to change. But bacon is so dang yummy.

Penelope Annes last blog post..Wordless Wednesday #16 ~ Blogging for Peace

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