“I think once you stop hearin’ “sir” and “maam” the rest is soon to follow.”
~Sheriff Bell (Tommie Lee Jones) in No Country For Old Men
Though the Cohen Brothers packed their movie with violence, the most memorable part of No Country For Old Men, for me, was the line above. It’s been bouncing around in my head a lot lately.
In context, it was said in a conversation where two old men were fussing about today’s youth. Sheriff Bell seemed to be attributing the violence they saw in society to the loss of manners. Sounds simplistic, doesn’t it?
My friend Derek Wong at Going The Wong Way thinks that “manners are a social construct that simply ensures that there are people who can look down on others that don’t know the rules.” I believe he admires manners, but thinks of them as a “game.”
I don’t think so. For me, manners are extremely serious. I think that “manners” are
the
cornerstone of
a civilized society.“manners” are the cornerstone of a civilized society.
I don’t know about y’all, but when I was young we were expected to say “Sir” and “Ma’am” to our elders. If we didn’t, we might get our mouths washed out with soap (and I’m so glad Momma didn’t use Irish Spring! Nasty!). If our parents weren’t there to correct us, you can rest assured that any other grownup in the room would! So ingrained are those words in my head that even today my speech is peppered with them. I address older and younger people with those titles.
Traveling across Texas to tell stories in schools, I rarely hear the use of “Sir” or “Ma’am.” When I do, it’s usually in rural areas (probably among folks with Southern roots). If I hear those words uttered from the mouth of a child, I praise their good manners to High Heavens!
I confess that I tried to teach my own children to use those titles, but it didn’t “take.” Once, I took my youngest son aside to chastise him for not saying, “Sir.” I told him “it’s a mark of respect.”
He said, “Mom, he doesn’t deserve my respect.”
“That’s not the point,” I said. “Remember the Golden Rule, and give what you expect to get in return.”
I told him, “Quite frankly, it’s not about the words. I don’t care if you never utter a “Sir” or Ma’am” in your life. Respect is shown by your attitude. And, if you expect people to be respectful of you, then you had better straighten up that attitude!”
This “teaching tale” from Turkey comes to mind:
The teacher, Nasreddin Hodja, sat beneath a tree outside of town instructing his pupils. As they talked, they heard a man coming down the road.
The traveler was fairly skipping along and whistling a happy tune, greeting the birds and squirrels as he passed them beside the road.
When the traveler saw Hodja and his students, he called out a warm greeting, “Hello friends! What a fine day it is! Can you tell me the kind of people I will find in the next town? The last town I visited was full of such wonderful people! Oh, they were so generous and kind. Is that how people are in the next village?”
Hodja smiled and said, “I think you will find what you expect.”
The man cheered and went on his way.
As Hodja continued to teach, they heard another traveler coming. This second traveler was cursing until the air turned blue. He kicked stones in his path, and picked them up to hurl at birds.
When this traveler saw Hodja, he called out, “You there! What are the people like in the next village? Those people in the last town were evil and rude! I’ve never seen such unkindness! Is that what this next village is like?”
Hodja nodded sadly and said, “I think you will find what you expect.”
“That’s what I thought,” the traveler snarled, as he went on his way.
A student said, “Hodja! Why did you lie to those two men? You told the first that the village had kind people and the second that the villagers were evil!”
“I didn’t lie. I said nothing of the kind,” smiled Hodja. “I told them both, ‘you will find what you expect.’”
With that, Hodja went on with the lesson of the day.
That’s pretty powerful, whether talking about manners or life in general. As far as manners go, if you want to live in a world filled with respectful people
- Expect it.
- Give what you expect to get in return.
I guess I’d turn the line in the movie around:
Ah I knew as soon as I read the title that you were going to mention that line. In truth, I don’t know if I think of them as a game. I guess I was trying to break manners down to see what they really are.
I actually admire manners a lot, and I try to show them myself. I don’t actually use “sir” and “ma’am” that often, though. I guess that I wasn’t raised learning that was good manners?
Thanks for the post, it’s always a good reminder to handle your own stuff before looking at others’.
Derek Wongs last blog post..Oh You’re Wrong, It Manners
I know you admire manners, Derek. And the “Sir” and “Ma’am” isn’t used everywhere. Again, it’s not the words themselves, but the attitude of respect that they imply. And, actually, you can use them in a “disrespectful” way. I was already thinking about this post, but reading yours was a catalyst. Thanks.
Shelly I agree with the good manners part, we don’t do sir or madame here, not much of a Canadian thing. I have a friend who makes her children call me Mrs. Cori - I can’t tell you how much I hate this, although I don’t say anything because I understand that it is her way to teach her children how to show respect.
My 4 year old often calls me by my first name, before children I would have thought this was disrespectful, however, now it really doesn’t bother me. It is my name after all and he does not do it in a disrespective way - so you are right again with regard to attitude, it’s really not the words but how they are used and what the intent and purpose is. We live in a different world now and children see themselves more as equals, I think it would be almost impossible to go back to the Mr. and Mrs. of the old days.
Coris last blog post..Scary Weather
I was raised to call my friends parents and other older adults by Mr. or Mrs. We were never allowed to use a first name. Now days I don’t ever hear any one call an older person by Mr. or Mrs. unless its a teacher. I totally agree with you. It is a respect thing and it is good manners to treat elders with respect. I still do. I always love hearing someone say Ma’am or Sir. It is so Southern…just love how it sounds(-: I might have to start saying that myself(-:
Cindees last blog post..MeeT SpOt
Things sure have changed, haven’t they?
I do think ma’am and sir are more a southern thing. My youngest says Yes Ma’am to me…but usually only when he’s in trouble..
kaceys last blog post..I Won, I Won
Oh my yes, Shelley! You are way over the top in being right on with this post! As a child, I was permitted to call people basically by the same names as my Mom or grandparents called them. Thus, if we saw someone who was an acquaintance and they referred to that person my Mr. or Mrs. so-and-so, then I too was expected to address them in that manner. But if it was a close neighbor or friend and they called them by their first names, then I was permitted to call them by that name too. But, it was pretty much expected too that those close enough to be called by their first names were also expected to be listened to in my Mom or grandparents absence -kind of like a surrogate parent thing and shown the same respect I was expected to give my immediate family at home. Dissing someone then was unheard of -totally! By the same token, about 14 years ago, I took a job in Baltimore and the people who I was supervising/teaching all called me “Miss Jeni” and boy, I had a terrible time get accustomed to having the “Miss” in front of my name. Until one of my co-workers explained to me this was a southern -or at least a Baltimore tradition of showing respect for others. It just hit me at first that my clients/students were treating me like Scarlett O’Hara as the misstress of Tara or something. Yes, I did finally adapt once I understood the meaning behind the title. Manners are one of the most important lessons -or commodities, if you will, for making your way in the world. It smooths so many barriers if used properly and just think, if everyone, world-wide, used the best etiquette possible, would we -and so many others, be at war, killing each other. I didn’t mean to do a ranting comment but boy, just got on a roll with my showing agreement with you! Peace! And, always remember your manners!
I grew up with “Sir & Ma’am” as well. And we got corrected if loosing respect (by family or neighbors). Nowadays I’m afraid to correct any kid in fear to get talked back or be smacked. Sad but true. Have a great day!
We always go round and round about this topic here. My nephew is from the south and he calls me Ma’am and I can’t stand it! I hear that and I feel like I’m some grandma on a rocking chair or something. He’s really the only one I’ve ever heard call me that except for the snotty kid bagger at the grocery store.
But…I also dont like being called Mrs. Rock Chick either. To the kids I am Miss Jessica.
Most of their parents allow this although we do have some kids that say “I wont be allowed too call you that”. That always kind of rubs me the wrong way, though, because I think it’s disrespectful to not address someone as they’ve asked you to.
Goes both ways, I guess. I teach my kids to call people Mr. or Mrs. Whatever unless told otherwise, but if they are told, then they should follow that persons wishes.
Jessica The Rock Chicks last blog post..It’s A Heartache
I actually believe that one of the greatest gifts you can give a child are the enforced until it becomes natural the words, “Please, thank you, excuse me, and you’re welcome”. They will make life much more easy than trying to live without them.
Jamies last blog post..How High’s The Water?
Great stuff here. Major kudos to you for teaching your son manners. Whether “sir” or “ma’am” are used doesn’t really matter, like you say… it’s the attitude that counts.
Can I get a hearty AMEN?!
Crystals last blog post..Happy birthday to me!
I had nightmares about that scene where he shot the guy in his car at point blank range. I hate that kind of violence, definitely no manners for the Cohen Bros.
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