These days, if you drive along the highways of Texas, you are bound to see a “restaurant row” outside of any metropolitan area. Chances are good that , if you look real hard, you will see something called “Texas Roadhouse” nestled among those slick, shiny establishments. There is another chain restaurant called “Logan’s Roadhouse.” They are identical twins. I can’t tell which one I’m in if I don’t see the name.

Don’t let the names fool you. Those places are “Roadhouse Wannabes.” It takes more than just a name to make a “roadhouse.”

Now, there is a new restaurant here in Denton called “Rooster’s Roadhouse.” It’s not a true roadhouse either, but I can forgive its pretensions. The food is delicious and the beer is cold. It’s a little bit closer to a true roadhouse than those chain restaurants are. The chain restaurants are Corporate America’s idea of a roadhouse (some guys in suits in New York City try to play “redneck”). Rooster’s Roadhouse is run by three “good old boys.” They are big, strapping, local boys; and if you are expecting good barbecue and burgers you ain’t even gonna get it from a skinny cook!

My Daddy could have told you about a “roadhouse.” I’m trying to tap in to what he’d tell you if he were here.

Thirteen Signs of a True Roadhouse

1. A true roadhouse is NOT a family restaurant. It’s a juke joint, a dive.
2. A Roadhouse is dark and smoky, not brightly lit. The “non-smoking section” is outside.
3. 
   There are peanuts in a true roadhouse, and you throw the shells on the floor. But, those shells rarely get swept up…and there are no cute signs. Quite often, the peanuts are stale.
4. The “decor” in a true roadhouse is usually beer signs, tattered posters, and motorcycle or car parts hanging from the walls and ceiling.
   
   There are dead animals staring at you from the walls of a true roadhouse, but they didn’t come from an interior decorator. The Bubba behind the bar probably bagged that deer, and you might just be eating it.
5. The beer is cold in a true roadhouse, but you don’t get many choices. “Designer beers” are unheard of there, and if you ask for a fancy brew you might get laughed out of the joint. Don’t expect fancy cocktails at a true roadhouse, either. Scotch and soda is about as fancy as it gets.
6. The menu at a true roadhouse (if there is a menu) is not slick and fancy. It’s a greasy, tattered typed sheet of paper with changes marked on it with a Sharpie.
7. True roadhouse food does NOT have cute names (like “Red Neck Sushi” or “White Trash Tartar Sauce”). The establishment assumes you already know that.
8. 
   Don’t expect a fancy chef salad at a true roadhouse. A “salad” means a wedge of iceberg lettuce, a slice of very pale tomato, and a half a cup of Thousand Island Dressing.
9. At a true roadhouse, you won’t be offered “grilled” anything. It’s not a health food restaurant. You can expect beef, pork, or chicken. The condiments are: ketchup and tabasco sauce.
10. 
    The food at a true roadhouse is as greasy as the menu, but it’s usually quite delicious. More so the more beer you imbibe. Drink freely.
11. Your waitress at a true roadhouse isn’t dressed in any fancy uniform (unless it is one of those shapeless blue “work shifts”). Usually, she looks just like the rest of the customers (she has a beehive hairdo, a bored expression, and she is popping her chewing gum). She is not “perky.”
12. That waitress might shout your order to the cook, so don’t be alarmed.
13. The music at a true roadhouse is loud and your choices are: Country.

Now, did I leave anything out? You can tell me about it. If you leave a comment, you will be magically linked at the bottom of the page. I don’t use Mr. Linky. Then, you can visit other folks who have joined the Thursday Thirteen meme this week. I hope yours is a good day! Maybe you can find a roadhouse!