News Flash:


The beloved cartoon character Sponge Bob Squarepants met a violent end Friday at the hands of crazed teenage ninja warriors. After being tied with a rope and hung from a tree, poor Mr. Squarepants was repeatedly attacked with swords, as onlookers jeered.

This cruel act of senseless brutality was apparently unprovoked. “Friends” tricked him into attending “a party” and then savagely attacked him. One participant was said to have called out, “Let’s wipe that goofy grin off his face!” Another was reported to have screamed, “I hate his stupid cartoon!”

Though neighbors cowered at their windows, peering between the slats of the Venetian blinds, no one lifted a finger to help Mr. Squarepants. When questioned about the incident, one neighbor said, “Do I get to be on TV? No? Well then, I didn’t see nuthin’.”

His sugar crazed assailants made a game of battering him blindfolded with blades that were four feet long.

The attack only ended when the unfortunate Mr. Squarepant’s entrails were spilled on the cement. The barbarous attackers then gathered trophies of the event as a final indignity to Mr. Squarepants. But, even in the end, nothing could wipe the smile off of the face of Sponge Bob Squarepants.

Mr. Squarepants is survived by his long time companion, Patrick, the Starfish, who commented through his agent, “Does this mean I get his royalties?” Mr. Squarepants also leaves behind a host of glassy eyed children who should be reading books (instead of watching his insipid cartoons).

Memorial donations may be made to the Wile E. Coyote Memorial Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Cartoon Characters.
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Hey, kids…this was only a Piñata! The “real” Sponge Bob is alive and well, and living on the cartoon channel.