I’m Out Of The Closet

Finally, today I came out of the closet.

No, I mean really the closet…you know. The closet is that tiny room where you frantically hide all your sins before the preacher comes to the door. I’ve got a lot of closets, so I can hide almost all of mine. Not quite.

This particular closet was empty, so I took advantage of the opportunity to paint the walls. How do closet walls get so grimy when they are always hidden by clothing? I couldn’t say, but I tell you what! I learned a lot in my few days in that closet.

You might be wondering how someone like me, a professed “packrat” got an empty closet. Then again, you might not be wondering, but I don’t care. I’ll tell you anyway: The last “chick” left the nest this weekend. My stepson, Joseph, went off to college at the University of Texas at Dallas. He will live in campus housing, because the drive every day (though it’s only 35 miles) would be through heavy traffic. A teenager probably doesn’t need any extra excuses to be late to class.

He had to take his furniture with him, leaving us with an empty room (oh, darn!). Wonder how fast that will fill up? If you blinked, you missed it.

So, it was into the closet I went, after a day of taking a power hose to the room. If you have ever seen a teenager’s room, you know what I’m talking about!

The first thing I learned about painting is that whenever I decide to paint, it’s going to rain! It’s been dry as a bone around here for weeks. I’ve been doing little rain dances to no avail. Now, I know that all I have to do is open a can of paint.

And, I thought I had no job skills! If any of you need it to rain, just give me a call. Since the storytelling biz is going in the toilet, maybe I can earn some bucks as a “rainmaker.”

When I paint, I’m a little messy. Most of you are probably very meticulous, but I get as much paint on me as I get on the wall (does anyone know a good way of getting paint off the bottom of your feet?). I’m not sure that I own a shirt that doesn’t have paint splatters on it. One day that will be in style, trust me. So, I use more paint than most people, and I learned that if the little boy down at Home Depot tells me I need a gallon of paint, then I should go ahead and buy two.

As I opened that can of paint, I realized that I was home alone. I had a brilliant idea! I could spare my unspattered clothing by painting “au naturel.” Ahem. I know that’s probably too much information, but at least I spared you any pictures (did you think that link was going to take you to a picture? Naughty!).

So, anyway, I was upstairs in the closet painting and of course the doorbell rang! I froze like a deer caught in the headlights. I had shed my clothing downstairs. The only way I could get to my clothes was to run nekkid past the front door (which has windows).

Now, I could have draped the drop cloth around myself as a toga, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. I just hid in the closet hoping that whoever it was would just go away and that they wouldn’t hear my frantic hyper-ventilating.

Fortunately, it was just the UPS guy, delivering my prize from the Texas Beef Council. I didn’t have to sign for the package, thank goodness. After he went away, I slunk downstairs and retrieved my clothing. I can tell you this much, if you decide to paint nekkid, keep your clothes near! Unless you want to surprise the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Do you think that would stop them from calling?

As each section of the closet dried, I began filling it, because I was excited. I brought items from other closets, so I could get myself organized. Here is the most important thing I learned: It is not a good idea to empty other closets when you have an open can of paint.

No, I didn’t get any of my stuff covered with that paint. However, as I moved things from the closet in the game room, I noticed that I needed to paint that closet, too! And, I have a lot of paint…

Did I tell you that I have several closets? I’m going to be busy for awhile. I’m going back in the closet. And, if you (or that preacher) ever come to call at my house, you’d better believe that I’m going to give y’all a tour of my freshly painted closets! Am I worried about showing off my sins? Heck, you can read this blog, because I blab about ‘em all the time.

Other posts you might enjoy:

1. Faux Flagstone
2. Me and Fibber McGee
3. I Am A Closet Hoarder
4. To: The Clan
5. You CAN Tell A Book By Its Cover

Tagged as: closet clutter, household, humor, painting