The Christmas Turkey

I’ve “dodged the bullet” for several years — I haven’t been the one to host our family holiday gatherings. I claim it’s because I have five cats and everybody is allergic to them. [Hint: Keep that in mind, if you don't want to be the host!]. However, it might be because people have tasted turkey that I cooked.

In the last thirty years, I have only cooked turkey three times. The first time I gave it a whirl, the turkey came out of the oven needing a paramedic. It was bleeding. I had started cooking it when it was frozen (give me a break, I was 19).

The next time I tried to cook turkey (a few years later), I decided to make sure it was in the oven until it was thoroughly cooked. I ‘magine it was in there long enough! It was turkey “jerky” — dry and tough. You could have used one of those turkey legs as a baseball bat!

The third time is the charm, my friends, but I didn’t try my hand at it for more than a decade. That time I cooked it perfectly. However, a blue Norther came rolling in and the gathering was canceled, so I had twenty pounds of turkey to put into my freezer.

Let me tell you a little secret: I hate turkey in any way, shape, or form! I just left that turkey in the freezer until it had freezer burn and I could justify throwing it away. I vowed never to cook turkey again.

This year, my family had planned to have our formal Christmas gathering a couple of weeks after Christmas. That meant that my son would miss it, because he will be visiting from San Francisco this week. I was just going to have a little shindig so my family could visit with my son.

Since my son is a vegetarian, I planned to make a pot of Cowboy Beans with some of that Soyrizo sausage I told you about. I figured beans, cornbread, and some birthday cake would be just fine for a simple meal.

I issued a “y’all come” to everyone and told them to visit and fart around with us for awhile, and assured them I would pass out Benadryl at the door. I even coerced Mr. Tucker into helping me steam clean the carpets, but I figured the house would clear out after the first sneeze.

Then…

our “formal Christmas” got canceled because our calendars wouldn’t mesh. I didn’t dodge that bullet quickly enough!

Now, the carnivores in the family are grumbling, because they want a slab of meat, and I’m hearing that the children are “picky eaters.” I decided to add salad fixings, some barbecued chicken, and a “mashed potato bar” (like we had at a wedding reception the other night). I figured the little ones would eat mashed potatoes … but I was wrong … they don’t like potatoes!

“Ah tell yew whut!”

I’m gonna slap that food in front of them, and tell them if they don’t like it then there’s peanut butter in the cabinet!

But, I’m NOT going to cook a Christmas Turkey. You see, I figure I AM the turkey. If I hadn’t told them that the “sausage” I planned to use was “soy,” they never would have known the difference!

Other posts you might enjoy:

1. Thirteen Reasons I’m Thankful — Turkey Is Not One Of Them
2. Old Christmas
3. Travel to Turkey Without a Passport
4. Thursday Thirteen #30 Thankful
5. Christmas Card Controversy

Tagged as: holiday gatherings, turkey