Wear Clean Underwear

“Wear clean underwear, in case you are in an accident!”

I actually heard my grandmother utter that clichΓ© once. Y’all thought that was just a joke people used, didn’t you?

I’m not sure I understand exactly why clean underwear would be important. How can I put this “delicately?” I’m telling you that if I were in an accident … ummm … bodily functions being what they are … I’m not sure anyone would be able to tell if the state of my underwear was a “before” or “after.”

Underwear was not my grandmother’s primary concern, though. “Always look your best,” was her motto. Mamaw wouldn’t even go to the grocery store without first primping to the maximum. She wouldn’t leave the house without face powder and a touch of rouge on her cheeks and lips; her hair had to be perfectly coiffed; and she always wore her best weekday dress (unless it was Sunday or a special occasion). I’m not sure I ever saw Mamaw in pants — even when she was working in the fields or the chicken house.

For a little trip to town, it took Mamaw an hour to prepare. However, my grandmother never needed coffee!

It’s a cold, rainy, dreary day here. After my morning shower, I just threw on the lime green sweat pants and ratty sweater I had worn to take out the trash. They are ugly, it’s true, but they are warm.

I sat down at the computer to read some blogs, when I heard that little voice in my head (well, one of the little voices in my head) whispering, “Give me coffee!

I ignored her for awhile, but then she screamed, “COFFEE NOW!

What could I do? I had to go to the coffeehouse and get the bit… voice a mocha.

I did not heed my Mamaw’s advice this morning (don’t y’all be getting ahead of me now…). It was later than usual for me to get coffee, so I figured there wouldn’t be many people at the coffee house. I hadn’t washed my hair, so I just pulled it back in a knot and slammed a hat on my head. I didn’t even bother to put on mascara. All the socks were in the dryer so I found a mismatched pair and my sneakers, grabbed my coat and my coffee cup and raced out the door.

I screeched into a parking place in front of my local coffee house. Yes, you guessed it. Crowded inside that establishment I think I saw every person I have ever met in my life! With my head ducked, making no eye contact, I plowed my way past everyone and went to the counter.

Have y’all ever noticed that when you are trying to be “invisible” everyone wants to talk to you? A woman I see at the coffee house regularly gave me an appraising look (you know, her eyes swept me up and down). She put a mock look of concern on her face and in a stage whisper, loud enough for people to hear across the courthouse lawn, she asked, “Are you O kaaaay? You look like Death warmed over!”

What the…?

As I grabbed my cup of mocha, I stared her straight in the eye and growled, “I have clean underwear!” With my head held high, I marched right out the door.

Do y’all ever have days like that?

Thanks for visiting!

  10 comments for “Wear Clean Underwear

  1. March 11, 2009 at 9:55 am

    Ohhh, you’ve made me laugh…yes, I do have days, weeks, like that. And it’s hard to look good when you’re trying to stay warm and look like the michelin man. But sometimes I wish we had those old-days standards again, to force us to make more of an effort. Wear a pretty hat, a dress, and make-up just to go to the grocery store! Imagine, it would be kinda fun…going to the beauty parlor every week for a hair-do…but all that primping would mean we wouldn’t have time for more important things, like blogging πŸ™‚

    Sarahs last blog post..Rusty’s walk

    You do NOT wish we had to get dressed up to the grocery store! Oh, heck…Momma used to make me go to the beauty shop and the smell of the old permanents! Ick! I’ll just settle for combing my hair & not wearing holey clothes 😈

  2. March 11, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Yes, if I look like death warmed over I’ll run into just about everyone I know. Especially old boyfriends. Makes them thankful they passed me by for sure.

    Thanks for the laugh. Have a terrific day. πŸ™‚

    Comedy Pluss last blog post..The Rainbow Bridge

    Remember that the old boyfriends didn’t pass you by — YOU ditched THEM. And, if that wasn’t the case, look at their pot bellies & bald heads and be glad they passed you.

  3. March 11, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    It is guaranteed to happen! You spun this very well.

    jeanies last blog post..Ho hum Hamish

    Thank you, Jeannie. Why weren’t you here before I left the house to remind me that it would happen? πŸ˜†

  4. March 11, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    ROTFL. Good come back!!!(-:
    That is when you ALWAYS see people you know and don’t want to see!!!(-: If I was going out for coffee though…I would just use the drive through….lol(-: I tend to stay away from crowds(-:
    Oh and Yes my grandmother always said that same exact thing. I always wondered why it would matter if you were in an accident. You would be all bloody anyhow and they would cut off your undies anyway!!!(-: Things were much different in those good old days!!(-: Now days it is common to see girls in their jammies and who knows what else at the store!!!!(-:

    cindees last blog post..Wordless Wednesday Spring Blooms!

    Unfortunately, at my coffeehouse there is no drive-thru. I see a woman there regularly who is dressed for work and has curlers in her hair, so I don’t feel too bad. When I was a kid, we only went out of the house in curlers if we wanted to fool people into thinking we had a hot date that night!

  5. March 11, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    hehehe, you gave me a serious case of the gigglesnorts.

    Sounds like my Gram was much like your Mamaw. Gram always looked her best whenever she went out of the house, even to get her mail. Hey, she never knew who might come driving down the unpaved, country road. πŸ˜€

    Thomma Lyns last blog post..More Signs of Spring

    I like to give you gigglesnorts…as long as I don’t have to hear them. Your Gram and my Mamaw would have understood each other completely πŸ˜†

  6. March 12, 2009 at 1:44 am

    My grandmothers were both like that also. Me? Well I just pray that when I pick up the kids straight after a harsh workout at the gym that everyone realizes that the stretchy tights and the sneakers mean I’ve been exercising and are so bowled over by my sticktoitiveness that they completely miss the fact that I’m a toxic disaster zone!

    Robins last blog post..Purim 2009

    Hey, if you are willing to let people see you in stretchy tights, then go for it! ME? Well, only if I have a t-shirt that covers my muffin-top. πŸ˜† I look bad enough in sweats!

  7. March 12, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    It must be the bohemian in you!

    When I show up at the post office in my work clothes (PJs) I just affirm what my neighbors have been thinking all along….she’s weird. I have a reputation to keep up!

    Sheila Atwoods last blog post..Domain Names and Branding

    Heavens, I didn’t think of it that way. I was keeping up my reputation. That works.

  8. March 13, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    My Grandma and my Mom both used to stress the “wear clean underwear” thing too. (Along with “Clean up your plate. Children in China are starving.”)
    Since I know I live my life totally in the vice grip of Murphy and his damned old law, I know anytime I go out and even if I start out looking half-way kempt, then the wind will automatically pick up to hurricane force winds and blow my hair every which way. As long as I keep my hair tightly curled with a perm, it doesn’t look quite as bad with the wind-blown effect then though. Clothes however -that takes a lot of doing to find anything relatively decent that hides a multitude of ugly fat along with a colostomy barrier thing that loves to do “clingy” with whatever full top I have put on. Never fails!

    Jeni Hill Ertmers last blog post..Loud and Strong -Sing it out, Sing it Long!

    Oh man! I got my mouth washed out with soap once when I heard about starving kids in China. I said, “well send it to them!” Yeah, even if I got all gussied up, something would happen. Guess I just won’t worry about it. What you see is what you get.

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