Getting Down And Dirty

I told my husband, “Whooee, baby! Let’s get down and dirty!”

He didn’t know I meant, “Let’s work in the garden.” His enthusiasm waned considerably when I handed him a rake. But, Mr. Tucker is a trooper, and he helped me clear out my flower beds.

I’m glad I had his help, because there are all sorts of critters in that garden: snails, lizards, spiders, ants, and snakes. He didn’t necessarily save me from them, but he didn’t squeal as loudly as I did. I swear I sounded like a stuck pig every time another bug got on me. It’s not what we meant when we envisioned the “wild life” of our empty nest years.

Four years ago, I had re-claimed those flower beds from a tangled jumble of weeds and vines. I planted them with a delightful array of colorful flowers, most of them Texas natives. I wasn’t aware that even those plants aren’t going to survive the drought conditions we’ve had during the last several years.

For the past two years I’ve totally neglected them. They reverted to their disheveled state. I’d like to blame the heat, the drought, my menopause, or arthritis for that lapse. To be honest: I was blogging. To be even more brutally honest: I’m lazy. To me, “physical exertion” means opening a carton of ice cream.

This year, I decided to get those gardens growing again. But, alas, it won’t be filled with lovely flowers. No pansies and petunias in this garden — if I can’t eat it, I’m not going to bother with it. We are putting our vegetable garden in the flower beds next to the house, because if it is another dry summer we won’t water out in the yard. It will have to fend for itself. We will water the house foundation. If we don’t, this house will crack right in two.

So, that’s what the economy has done to me. I’m re-entering my “Earth Mother” phase, and quite truthfully I had hoped never to visit that phase again. I’m not calling this a “Victory Garden,” but it won’t be a “Defeat Garden” either. I guess I’ll just call it “The Health Club,” because I certainly can’t afford a membership at a health club to do my squats! This should give me plenty of opportunity.

I figure that if I plant a tomatoes, beans, onions, cabbage, spinach, cucumber, zucchini squash, and carrots it will be about all I can handle. It will definitely save on the grocery bill (have y’all seen the prices lately?). I can’t plant until after Easter, but I’ll be ready. I’m spending a lot of time in the garden these days, and there are just a few things I think you should know:

• If you see an ad in the newspaper for “free monkey grass — you dig,” don’t think it is a bargain. There is a reason for the wording. That’s the toughest stuff to remove, because its roots go halfway to China. You don’t want monkey grass, anyway because that is where those huge icky snails hang out.
• If poison ivy wraps around your leg, don’t struggle! If you start wrestling with it, it’s going to win. It will twine itself around your arms and your neck to hold you in it’s insidious clutches. Just move slowly and gently and when you get away from it run for the Caladryl lotion.
• If a grass snake slithers into your gardening glove, no amount of screaming will make it back out.
• Fire ants are deaf to your screams, too.

Just thought you would want to know that in case you are thinking about getting down and dirty. Are you planting a garden this year? Are you a veteran gardener or is it a first try?

If you think you want some monkey grass, come on over and dig some.

Related posts:

1. Give What You Grow. Only The Good Friday
2. Leaves Of Three — Let It Be!
3. Battling Carpet Stains
4. Doubled Mint
5. I’m in love with Narcissus…I’m in love with Narcissus

Tagged as: Gardening, humor