We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Waterboards

As more information comes to light about the heinous waterboard torture used on suspected terrorists, it is obvious to me that it is time women were running this country. We would never need to resort to any form of torture that violates the Geneva Convention. Women are much more creative. Witness the epilator.

Epilator for hair removal.

Yes, the epilator! According to Wikipedia, it is “an electrical device used to remove hair by mechanically grasping multiple hairs simultaneously and pulling them out.” The truth is that it is an ingenious form of torture.

I got one of these devices because, as I have admitted here before, Chewbaka has nothing on me. I went after my hairy legs with that epilator, and fought back tears the whole way, but my legs are now as smooth as a baby’s bottom.

However, “misery loves company.” My husband has been complaining about his thick beard, and he despises shaving. He often nicks his handsome face and bleeds like a stuck pig.

“Honey,” I asked, “would you like me to try this epilator on you?”

Men are so gullible.

He sprawled out on the bed under a bright light. I put on some soothing music to try to muffle the sound of that epilator (it sounds like a buzz saw when it’s running). He closed his eyes as I began to work at his beard.

One touch of that epilator and his eyes flew open and he screamed, “OUCH!” He was squealing like a girl. “That’s enough,” he said. “I can’t take any more!”

“I’ll stop when you tell me where you hid the candy bars,” I replied.

We don’t need no stinkin’ waterboards.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

And, just think. When we got through using an epilator on Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, he would be much more presentable.

I wonder if Homeland Security could use a consultant?

  10 comments for “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Waterboards

  1. April 28, 2009 at 8:21 am

    LOL! This was funny! πŸ˜‰ My daughter wanted one of those after seeing a commercial or something, so we got one. She was screeching and I’m thinking “it can’t be that bad”. Yeah, it was! Oh and those new things that you just rub on your skin and supposedly the hair comes right off??? Yeah, they don’t work at all.

    Shaving is a drag, but it seems to be the only thing that works without vast amounts of pain. That’s why it never goes out of style, I guess!

    Jessica The Rock Chicks last blog post..Culture Club

  2. April 28, 2009 at 9:27 am

    Too funny – I have to screw up my courage just to pluck my eyebrows. Then, I realize that now you have have your eyebrows “threaded.”

    I hope the “torture” worked and your hubby gave up the site of the hidden candy! πŸ™‚

    Desert Divas last blog post..Manic Monday

  3. April 28, 2009 at 10:28 am

    You have a nifty blog here. I’m just stopping by to look around. And I love it. I’d love to have you over to my site sometime. πŸ™‚

    Jennys last blog post..Momma Loves Her Little Son

  4. April 28, 2009 at 10:45 am

    I had a beard for many years. Way back in time when the surgical staff said I had to shave the entire front of my body to prepare for an operation, I let them have at it, (I was under the influence of heavy quantities of Valium). After the surgery, when friends saw me, they told me I looked younger and slimmer, so, I kept the beard off, (I didn’t start shaving the rest of my body though).

    So now, I’ve been shaving my face for a long time. Imagine, if you will, the torture of dragging one of the sharpest objects known to mankind, a razor, across the second most sensitive part of the human body, the face, almost every day for twenty plus years. It’s sheer torture right there. After this daily routine, I would be gullible enough to allow a suggestion that I be “eppiliated” (is that a word?), and while lying down as my trusted wife soothes me with music).

    Thanks for the “heads up” in the event I am made this offer to defoliate my stubble.

    Spadomans last blog post..Batmo’s Chicken Barnyard

  5. April 28, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    Those things have not improved through technological advances! Does anyone remember the “epilady”? Pain, pain and more pain. It’s 10 times worse than getting a tattoo! I’ll stick with my Nads (works well and tastes great too, as my adult daughter can attest!!)

    Thornes last blog post..The Will to Succeed

  6. April 28, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    OMG… too too funny!! Thanks for a good belly laugh — although I do know it’s not funny to go through it. Stick with shaving.

    Carol G.s last blog post..It’s Done!!

  7. April 28, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    This was such a great story! I had to laugh…it is amazing what beauty tortures we will go through.

    For years we went to bed with curlers in our hair, shaved with straight edged razors and wore girdles with nylons.

    Who ever dreamed up wearing nylons and panty hose ought to be shot!

    Thanks for the laugh!

    Sheila Atwoods last blog post..3 Twitter Apps Making Your Twitterverse Easy

  8. April 30, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Oh Shelly, I love you! This post was hillarious. Mostly because I remember trying the “epilady” way back in my teen years…I believe I tried it on a spot of skin about the size of a quarter and decided that I’d just shave forever. YIKES!

  9. Essessyou
    May 2, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    Just to set the record straight, since I don’t want your readers getting the wrong idea:

    I did *not* “squeal like a girl.”

    I whimpered like a whipped puppy.

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