As more information comes to light about the heinous waterboard torture used on suspected terrorists, it is obvious to me that it is time women were running this country. We would never need to resort to any form of torture that violates the Geneva Convention. Women are much more creative. Witness the epilator.
Yes, the epilator! According to Wikipedia, it is “an electrical device used to remove hair by mechanically grasping multiple hairs simultaneously and pulling them out.” The truth is that it is an ingenious form of torture.
I got one of these devices because, as I have admitted here before, Chewbaka has nothing on me. I went after my hairy legs with that epilator, and fought back tears the whole way, but my legs are now as smooth as a baby’s bottom.
However, “misery loves company.” My husband has been complaining about his thick beard, and he despises shaving. He often nicks his handsome face and bleeds like a stuck pig.
“Honey,” I asked, “would you like me to try this epilator on you?”
Men are so gullible.
He sprawled out on the bed under a bright light. I put on some soothing music to try to muffle the sound of that epilator (it sounds like a buzz saw when it’s running). He closed his eyes as I began to work at his beard.
One touch of that epilator and his eyes flew open and he screamed, “OUCH!” He was squealing like a girl. “That’s enough,” he said. “I can’t take any more!”
“I’ll stop when you tell me where you hid the candy bars,” I replied.
We don’t need no stinkin’ waterboards.
And, just think. When we got through using an epilator on Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, he would be much more presentable.
I wonder if Homeland Security could use a consultant?