If Wishes Were Horses

My Papaw didn’t take too much stock in “wishes.” He always said, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” Papaw had other colorful phrases, as well. He said, “IF a frog had wings, it wouldn’t bump its butt when it hops.” He didn’t like us to use the word “if.” Papaw believed we should just plow in and get our work done instead of wasting time with “wishes” and “what ifs.”

Despite his admonishments, I can’t help myself this morning. I was sprawled in my favorite lounge chair sipping coffee as I surveyed my back yard. I thought to myself, “I swan it was just a month ago that I slaved for an entire week with a hoe trying to reclaim that yard from Nature.”
[Note: If you are not familiar with the term "swan," it's the word my Mamaw and her ilk used for the word "swear." Ladies never "swear," unless they can make it sound like a pretty bird.]

For about two days last month, my yard looked awesome. Then, I blinked. This morning it looks as if it has been neglected all year. The vines and underbrush have taken over until I’m not sure there might not be an elephant or three hiding amongst the leaves.

Tangled vines grow so fast around here that I have to put a tall flagpole on my car with a red flag on the top. It’s true. I park that car in my driveway and go to bed for the night — but when I come back out in the morning, its covered in vines. The only way I can find my car is to locate that red flag. I have to get a machete to hack my way to the door!

I wish I had an army of gardeners to help me out for just one day. If I had that, and if they spoke English (so I could tell them which weeds I paid to have in the garden), I could get this yard cleaned out! I guess I’ll have to wait until I win the lottery to get this yard cleared … or wait for the Texas heat to kill it all.

Because two mosquitoes decided that I was a tasty treat, and tried to pick me up to carry me to their lair, I came inside and sat on the couch sipping coffee. I looked around and thought, “I swan I’ve cleaned the house this year!” You couldn’t tell it to look at it. How can two people make such a mess? It looks like the aftermath of Hurricane Ike.

I wish I had a couple of housekeepers to help me out for just one day. If I had that, and if they knew how to use “elbow grease,” I could get this house so clean that it would pass the inspection of my ex-mother-in-law.

[ Note: I kid you not, she came to my house one time, and that tiny little woman stretched up to run her finger across the top of my refrigerator and shook her head. It was the only place I hadn't dusted, because I can't see it. If I can't see dust, then it isn't there!]

At that point, a cloud of cat hair, that the five fe-lions had deposited on the couch, threatened to choke the breath out of me, so I came to my office and opened my e-mail. I haven’t been paying attention! I glanced down and jumped at the sight, knocking a mountain of neglected paper to the floor. I thought, “I swan I had this in-box empty three weeks ago!” I did, but then I traveled for work and was too lazy didn’t have time to answer anyone. Now 317 e-mails are clogging the in-box. Thunder!

I wish I had a secretary to help me out for just one day. If I had that, and if that secretary could spell I could get my paperwork and my e-mails cleared out.

I had better go and check my Texas lottery tickets. I wish I would win! If I did, I could just drive off and forget that this mess was here.

Since I probably didn’t win, I think I’ll hop on down to the coffee house to escape for a few minutes. I don’t have wings, so I’ll be bumping my butt every time I hop. I figure, though, that it’s a good thing that wishes aren’t horses … I’d have a lot of horse poop to shovel right about now.

So, go ahead and tell me about your wishes this morning. Yes, I’ll get another e-mail in my in-box, but my secretary will take care of that for me. I wish.

Related posts:

1. Make Like A Tree And Leave
2. Coffee Keeps Me Perking
3. Wear Clean Underwear
4. Jupiter House Java In Black And White
5. Peek-A-Boo

Tagged as: household, humor, Silly Is My Middle Name