If You Have A Scorpion In Your Freezer

You might be the “anti-pioneer woman.” Y’all please understand that in this case “anti” means “opposite;” it doesn’t mean “against.” I’ve got nothing against Ree Drummond (aka The Pioneer Woman ). In fact I think she is a pretty cool blogger. But, so is my friend Thorne, who may be Ree Drummond’s polar opposite.

At first glance, the only thing that Ree and Thorne seem to have in common is that they are both female mammals walking the planet Earth. I decided to follow the admonition of my 9th grade English teacher. I can still hear her nasal whine in my head 42 years later: “Compare and Contrast, people!”

To compare? Both women are hilariously funny, both are excellent writers, both are talented and I dare say that both are kind-hearted. Both appreciate family values, and both believe in “keeping it real” in their respective worlds.

That’s where it ends folks, because they live in VERY different worlds!

Here is where the “contrast” comes into play:

Ree lives on a lush ranch in Oklahoma with her husband, “The Marlboro Man,” who has a cute butt. They have a passel of delightful children (which makes for some awesome photography). Ree spares no expense to hire workers to build a beautiful, ranch-style bed and breakfast for her guests. Reading her blog, I figure that Ree lives in the lap of luxury.

On the other hand, Thorne lives on 40 acres of tumbleweeds in the High Desert of Southern California with her partner, “The GirlyBoi,” who also has a cute butt. Her mom lives on the ranch, too, with her 14 cats. Occasionally they have other family members sojourning there for brief periods. Although those visitors are always welcome, they may have to sleep on the couch, because Thorne and her Girlyboi are trying to remodel a home her grandfather bought back in 1965 all by themselves. Their material is culled from generations of junk that they are recycling.

At Ree’s ranch, they herd cattle.

On the other hand, in Thorne’s World, they herd parrots that she has rescued.

I’m betting that, when Ree wants a new hairdo, she heads right down to the local beauty shop to get pampered.

There HAS to be a better way!

Thorne doesn’t have that luxury. When she wants a “head change,” she dyes her hair in the bathtub!

Ree channels Ethel Merman (oops, now she says she channels Lucille Ball, too — but that can’t be right, because I do!).

However, Thorne channels Janis Joplin AND Jeff Foxworthy.

Ree shares delightful recipes for cow meat that she whips up in her state-of-the-art kitchen.

Thorne will take you on a journey out back in the sand and show you how to make compost.

Different as night and day, wouldn’t you say?

If you haven’t met these two bloggers, you should take them time to check out their blogs. Of course, I’m partial to Thorne … you see I consider her my “soul sister.”

For my more conservative readers, Thorne may be an acquired taste. She uses a few “choice words” now and then, and she will freely admit that she has an “alternative lifestyle.” In fact, when she participated in a charity project on my blog, she sent me crocheted squares to make into afghans for little kids with cancer … along with a note:
“From your favorite lesbian, witch, tattoo artist, blogger.”

I told her she was my favorite lesbian, witch, tattoo artist, blogger in California.

Trust me that if you visit her blog you will find that Thorne is much more than the “sum of her parts.” She will share her wise insights, her artistry, her knowledge, and stories of her remarkable life. She won’t shove her differences in your face, and you might find that she is just like you and me (only funnier).

AND, she will show you a picture of the scorpion she keeps in her freezer! I betcha that Ree doesn’t have one of those!

Other posts you might enjoy:

1. Tattooed Librarians?
2. My Inner Artist Is Not A Cheap Date
3. My “Dear Husband” Doesn’t Get It
4. Leaves Of Three — Let It Be!
5. Jupiter House Java In Black And White

Tagged as: blog review, humor