Dirty Little Secret

I’m a Judge Judy Junkie.

There. I said it. I have to tell y’all that I am relieved to have finally “outed” myself by telling you my dirty little secret.

For two and I half years I have tried to deceive you into believing that I’m all good and kind. I’ve tried to convince you that I’m above “reality television,” and that I spend my free time watching intelligent programming on National Public Television. It was all a sham.

I live and breathe to watch Judge Judy. So sue me.

Do what? Have you not seen the show? From what planet did you just arrive? The premise is simple: really stupid not very smart people with incredibly goofy small claims against another party (usually a “friend,” roommate, former lover, or even their own sainted mother) come to Judge Judy to have her solve their disputes. Every stinkin’ one of them is out for blood! They prove once again what a litigious society we have become.

Aren’t “small claims” also called “petty claims?” You’ve never seen more “petty” people than those who appear on Judge Judy!

I know they get paid to come on the show with their complaints, but who in their right mind would subject themselves to Judge Judy’s abuse? She’s mean to everybody! Y’all couldn’t pay me enough to go on there and have her “rip me a new one!”

I’ve been in denial about the fact that I’m a Judge Judy Junkie, because I’m quite frankly embarrassed by it, however I’ve had to face reality these last couple of weeks. I’ve been “stove up” as my Papaw would say. A back injury has kept me abed. With too much time on my hands, I resorted to watching daytime television.

That’s a vast wasteland, isn’t it?

I discovered Judge Judy, and now I have had to admit that my days revolve around her (so please don’t call me on the telephone at 4:00 in the afternoon, thank yew). My greatest fear is that something will happen to cause the television station to pre-empt her. You know how they do. Let there be “breaking news,” and the station will interrupt. I can just hear her screaming, “I’m talking!” Who cares about the threat of an impending tornado, a car chase on the Interstate, or some politician talking nonsense. I need Judge Judy!

Do I like Judge Judy? Now, that’s a horse of a different color. I like to watch the show (I can’t help myself), but no, I do NOT like the woman. No Southern woman with the proper upbringing could possibly “like” someone that abrasive. But, how can I be expected to escape her allure? She is all the things my Momma taught me NOT to be! She’s rude. She’s abrupt. She’s arrogant. Judge Judy is superior, even though she was never a Superior Court judge (at least, I don’t think she was). She thinks she is “The Queen.” In fact, she is — Judge Judy is The Queen of Mean.

The show is about “real people” and “real cases.” At least that’s what it claims. It must be true, because Judge Judy wouldn’t lie. She’ll tell you that herself. In fact, she will scream it at you, “I’m a truth telling machine!” I, for one, believe her … after all, she was once a lawyer….

ahem.

I guess I have to admit that more than anything, I am a tad envious of Judge Judy. She can scream at a litigant, “Do I look stupid to you?” No one in the courtroom has the nerve to say, “Well, yeah, lady. You kinda do.”

I wish I could get away with that.

I’m addicted to Judge Judy, and I hope I can control it. Yesterday, I found myself running around the house in a black housecoat with a white lace collar. I was screaming at the cats in a Brookline accent, “What were you thinking? Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining! Look at me when you are talking to me! Don’t look down! Look at me!”

Ummm ….. maybe it’s time for an intervention?

“‘Ummm’ is not an answer!”

Other posts you might enjoy:

1. Dear Ellen Degeneres, You Steered Me Wrong!
2. Hoodoo Cat
3. Pick me! PICK ME!
4. Scaring Ourselves Silly in San Antonio
5. The Consensus on The Census

Tagged as: humor, Judge Judy, Silly Is My Middle Name, television