New Year’s Briefs

On New Year’s Eve are y’all going to be wearing your yellow underwear or your red underwear? I’m told that in Mexico the colors of your briefs are significant. If you wear yellow underwear (and it has to come in yellow hues from the store, mind you) it will bring you financial success in the New Year. If you are looking for love, however, you should wear your red underdrawers.

Mr. Tucker assures me that if I’m really looking for love I should sport that lacy black thong of mine. I don’t know why I bought it. Wearing thong underwear makes as much sense as using a strip of scotch tape instead of a baggie to protect your sandwich. Quite frankly, that garment is uncomfortable (he would know that if he would wear it for a minute or two) and it wouldn’t light my fire! I might “burn” but not in the way planned. I think that every thong sold should be accompanied by a tube of Nupercainal. I’m just saying.

Now personally, I don’t wear red underwear since that mishap as a teenager. I fell in the lake wearing white pants that turned see-through when they got wet. My red underwear became prominently featured, and I became a laughing stock among my friends. Even now, when I see some of the folks who were there that day, I catch a smirk upon their lips … because they won’t let me forget. I’m just glad I was wearing underwear! Thank God for small favors.

I bet y’all are wondering why I am talking about underwear. It’s because I was researching New Year’s eve celebrations on the internet. I discovered those fascinating facts about underwear and I learned that in Mexico people also celebrate by making 12 wishes, eating 12 grapes, and ringing a bell 12 times. Whoopie. Party down.

Supposedly, the celebrations of the New Year began some 4,000 years ago in ancient Babylon. But, they celebrated it in March (guess those Babylonians didn’t have a calendar, huh). For eleven days, those folks feasted, sang old songs, spruced up their homes, and burned sacrifices to the gods. I don’t think I could stand another eleven days of celebrating.

Over in Japan, they ring in the New Year by actually ringing a bell 108 times. I wonder about the significance of “108.” What happens if you lose count and ring it 111 times? The internet didn’t tell me that. The Japanese supposedly also celebrate by cleaning their houses and having singing contests. My heart could not take that much excitement. Is that where the heinous custom of singing karaoke originated? I wonder if they sing Auld Lang Syne? Use your imagination … I’m not going there.

The Japanese cannot be blamed for that horrible song. Unfortunately, Auld Lang Syne originated with the Scots, the same people who brought us haggis. Those two things make me rather embarrassed to admit my Scottish ancestry. Don’t feel bad if you don’t understand the words to the song. Craig Ferguson, that Scottish talk show host, said that even the Scots don’t know what it means. It doesn’t matter, really, because by the time you sing it on New Year’s Eve everybody is too drunk to care. If you need to practice, however, you can go to the Auld Lang Syne karaoke site. It won’t tell you how to pronounce the words, but as I said … it doesn’t matter.

Over in Scotland, they will also be celebrating Hogmanay (that’s what they call New Year’s). They have a lot of wild partying, but they also have the tradition of cleaning the house (including the ashes from the fire) and clearing all their debt before midnight. Yeah, right. I better check my lottery tickets if I plan to clear debt … and I doubt that Mr. Tucker wants to scrub toilets in celebration.

How come everybody thinks that cleaning house is a “celebration?” It’s not in my plan.

So what are your plans for New Year’s Eve? For most of the folks I know, New Year’s Eve is an excuse to spend tons of money to get falling down drunk, eat a lot of food, wear funny hats, make noise, act silly, sing an archaic song (off key), and kiss people they don’t know. That is followed the next day by solemn resolutions to stop drinking, lose weight, and get out of debt.

Hey, I don’t need any excuses for any of that! I confess that I don’t drink much, although I do love my eggnog, but as for the rest … I do that every stinkin’ day. I’m silly, loud, wear funny hats, sing off key … and I kiss people I don’t know (duck if you meet me, that’s all I’m saying).

As for New Years’ resolutions, I resolved a couple of years ago not to make them. Nobody ever keeps them, anyway. Like Henry Moore, “I think in terms of the day’s resolutions, not the year’s.” I can set myself up for failure any darned day of the week. Instead, I burn regrets, as I told you a couple of years ago. We are going to have ourselves a bonfire!

I hope your New Year is filled with love, laughter, and financial success (despite the color of your underwear). May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

Other posts you might enjoy:

1. Honey, About Those Greeting Cards
2. Wear Clean Underwear
3. Thoroughly Agitated
4. The Match Game. Bone Marrow Match, That Is
5. Intermission

Tagged as: holidays, humor