Dear Ellen Degeneres,
I am so disappointed in you! After Oprah left, I thought you would be the “new guru,” telling all of us out in television viewer land how we should think and what we should do. The truth is that you were always my guru; I admit I have a girl crush on you (but let’s keep that between you and me and the gatepost, shall we?). I have always believed everything you told me, because I thought you had integrity. I thought that you would always tell me the truth.
Now, I know better.
Do you remember that show you did — the one where you gave audience members makeovers and whitened a woman’s teeth using that product that has the light thingie that you shine on your teeth? Sure you do.
You raved about that product … you promised that it worked. In fact, you even gave everyone in the studio audience one of them! Boy howdy, did they squeal about that, but they didn’t know what I now know. And, by the way, I can’t figure out why you don’t send me things like that since I am your biggest fan (well, maybe not your biggest fan … I’ve seen some of those ladies in the audience. I’m big, but at least I know better than to wear Spandex). Anyway, I digress. Let me just say that I believed your endorsement of the product.
I admire you so much that not long ago I even cut my hair so I could look like you! I do look a little like you (if you squint) … except for my wrinkles and my dyed red hair. OK, maybe I don’t look much like you, but we both have two eyes a nose and a mouth that are situated in approximately similar places on our faces. I like the haircut … it made me look younger. I decided I wanted to whiten my teeth, too (because you said that’s supposed to make you look younger, as well). I had tried all those strips and toothpastes and such, but none of them worked.
I bought that product that you recommended and was so excited to bring it home and use it. I expected the miracle that you promised! What a silly fool am I. I opened up that box like it was a Christmas present. First I pulled out the chart they give you with different colored teeth, so you can compare yours and track your progress.
What a load of malarkey! Hold this computer up at the mirror and compare your teeth to these! These are all shades of gray or brown! Nobody’s teeth match that. Even the homeless guy down on the square (whose few teeth are every color of the rainbow) doesn’t have any teeth that match these colors. Even the whitest of the ones they show isn’t “white.” That didn’t bode well, but since “Ellen said it,” I decided to go ahead and try it.
There’s this bottle of stuff that you are supposed to swish around in your mouth … then you paint your teeth with another liquid, and then train that light on your mouth for two minutes. You aren’t supposed to let that paint touch your lips or tongue. How in Thunder can you keep that from happening? I slathered myself with Vaseline Petroleum Jelly and did those applications. The box told me that in ten applications I’d see a difference, and that in twenty I would have teeth that were a shade whiter. It said that I could do this in an hour.
What with swishing and painting and lighting twenty times, it took me two and a half hours! I was so busy swishing that I missed watching your show! When I was done, I looked at my teeth and I didn’t see much difference at all. Then I read the rest of that brochure and saw that it told me that I should avoid coffee, colas, blueberries, ketchup, soy sauce, and tobacco for 24 hours.
Crap. I wish I had read that first! I immediately started craving a double latte, blueberry pancakes with ketchup, some lo mein, and a tin of snuff! I’ve been sitting here jonesing for 24 hours, and I’ve been huffing because my teeth don’t seem noticeably whiter. We are not amused!
How could you do this? Now, I know that you have sold out.
As I said, I’m disappointed in you. In fact, just to show you how much … I’m going to start watching Judge Judy instead of you! Judge Judy is a mean old broad (and she never tells people to “Be kind to one another”), but at least I know that Judge Judy tells it like it is. She didn’t sell out to corporate America.
I can’t believe that my Ellen has steered me wrong. I’m out forty-some-odd bucks, my lips are chapped, my nerves are frayed, my teeth aren’t white, and two and a half hours of my life are gone … and I’ll never get those back!
I think I’m going to go have a latte and a dip of snuff.
Your former biggest fan.