When we get invited to a party, I’m always stumped about what to bring. I’m usually asked to bring “some little snack,” I guess because people don’t trust what I might cook. Not all of our friends appreciate down home cooking. My repertoire of Hors d’oeuvres recipes is limited, and most of them involve intensive labor. That just doesn’t “set” well with me. Did I ever tell y’all how lazy I am?

Usually, I rely on a quick trip to the local grocery store to get a fruit platter or veggie tray. I bring that home and put it on one of my fancy platters so people think I took the time to put it all together for them.

I’ve found something that is almost as quick! It’s lots tastier, too, because it involves my favorite food: BACON! The only ingredients you have to buy are pitted dates and bacon. If there are vegetarians in the crowd, let them bring their own Hors d’oeuvres!

I told you about the art walk we took in McKinney, and how we ended up at a tapas bar (stop it! I didn’t say “topless!”). One of the dishes we ordered was grilled dates wrapped in bacon, and they said they were as simple as they sounded.

I decided to try them. I got some pitted dates and a pound of maple smoked bacon, since I couldn’t find applewood smoked, and could hardly wait to tear into it.

At the restaurant, they said all you do is wrap the pitted dates with bacon and grill them, but I decided to experiment. We don’t have the grill going yet this year, so they were going to get broiled. And, I had some almonds and some gouda cheese, which I decided might make great “stuffing.”

I tried the dates three ways:

• plain dates wrapped in bacon.
• dates stuffed with an almond and wrapped in bacon.
• and, dates stuffed with cheese and wrapped in bacon.

Seriously, all I did was put it under the broiler for about seven minutes and Voila!

My Sweet Spousal Unit tried ‘em. I hadn’t intended it, but he wrapped them in spinach (the spinach was supposed to make the picture look artsy-fartsy, but that doesn’t work when you are a cruddy photographer!). He liked them that way, and pronounced the cheese ones his favorite. But, he said he loved them all, and that I could make them any time I chose.

Hmmm. I think I choose to make them when he isn’t home so I don’t have to share!

Everything I read about oatmeal suggests that it is a wonderful way to start the day.

• People who eat breakfast in the morning are more likely to be able to keep their weight lower.
• The anti-oxidants in oats are supposed to have anti-inflammatory properties.
• Some say that the fiber in oats is supposed to help with hemorrhoids, constipation, and irritable bowel syndrome (not that I have any of those things!).
• Eating oatmeal is supposed to lower your LDL cholesterol and help you have a healthier heart.

That all sounds good. But, I’ve been eating oatmeal every morning for weeks now (well, only two days, but it seems like weeks), and my cholesterol level hasn’t dropped one itty bitty bit. I’m gonna quit eating that stuff.

It’s nasty!

Yep. The only way I can stomach it is by drowning in butter, loading it with sugar, and topping it with bacon.

Maybe I should try another brand of oatmeal?

My sister sooo lied to me.

I knew she was capable of doing so from past experience (we go back a long way). However, I had hoped that in her age she would stop prevaricating. It was a vain hope. You would think that after fifty-some-odd years I would have the good sense not to believe her. You would be wrong.

She said, “I tried some turkey bacon and it was delicious!”

Blasphemy!

“No really, it tastes just like bacon!”

In a pig’s eye!

“Try it you’ll see!”

Hogwash!

I tried it. For $1.29, it was a cheap way to prove once again that my sister speaks with a forked tongue.

First, let me assure you that it does not smell like bacon. Heck, the aroma of bacon is half the allure. I fry bacon just so the house will smell good. It sends me into ecstasy.

Second, there is no grease, so it burns easily. Once it’s fried, I admit it can fool you. If you have never seen real bacon! Maybe this turkey bacon stuff would be better if you fried it in bacon grease? Heck, cardboard would taste good if you fried it in bacon grease!

Because I am such a rabid bacon fanatic, I felt it would be better if I had a more impartial judge.

Besides that, this didn’t look like anything I wanted to try.

So I called out, “Honey, I have some breakfast ready!” Poor unsuspecting “honey.”

“What’s this?” he asked.
“Ummm, it’s bacon,” I lied.

“Ddjfrmpkj?” he mumbled. He later translated that to, “Did you fry the package?”

“Let’s go eat at McDonald’s,” he said.

I rest my case. Yes, I proved once again that my sister is a bald-faced liar (though she, like me, is no longer so bald of face…we both have whiskers periodically sprouting on our chins).

But, oh what a cost. Now, my husband will never believe me again. And, I had to eat at McDonald’s.

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