As I bopped out of my local coffee shop gripping my extra large mocha, I saw a familiar looking man standing with a camera crew on the corner of our town square. I had seen his face on television! It was Emeril! You know, the famous chef, Emeril Lagasse!
I was so excited I nearly dropped my coffee, which would have been a tragedy of epic proportion! I didn’t. Fortunately, I regained my aplomb.

My smile froze on my face, as I remembered the dirty dishes I had left piled in my sink; the afghan squares plopped on the counter (waiting for me to take their picture); the six day old bowl of cherry jello that was hardening into a lethal weapon in the refrigerator; the vegetable bin with carrots that have taken root! I started to shriek!

That’s when I woke up!

Yes, friends, it was a dream. Emeril was not in Denton, Texas. No celebrity wants to use my kitchen (although it could happen, because I told you about the movie filmed in my son’s apartment)! I have an overly reactive guilt response, and I have to face it: I haven’t been keeping the house the way I want it to be.

I will give myself some credit. What I consider “messy” is better than what some people consider “clean.” My house wouldn’t do for a magazine spread, or anything. I don’t mind it looking as if someone actually lives here. But, I want it to feel comfortable to me, and that means keeping it straightened up and relatively clean. I am not a bad housekeeper. Still, if the house is not “up to snuff,” I feel guilty. Then, my nightmares nag me. Do y’all have dreams like that, or am I weirder than I thought I was?

Maybe I shouldn’t have asked you that.

The guilty dreams didn’t work this time, though. I didn’t get up and clean the refrigerator in the middle of the night. Therefore, my dreaming mind attacked me again.

The doorbell rang and the realtor was at the door with a prospective buyer who was very interested in the house. THE CAT LITTER BOX WAS OVERFLOWING!

Our house isn’t even for sale!

Throughout the night, as I tossed and turned and tried to sleep, a parade of dream people came knocking at the door. Even my ex-mother-in-law (who has been dead for years) showed up for a “white glove test!”

That did it.

Finally, I’d had enough. I got up and went to my Google Calendar on my computer. I spent thirty minutes writing “events” for today, with reminder e-mails to me. I made a game of it, though.

I wrote, “Emeril’s at the door, can he look in the fridge?” Or, “Martha is here and wants to chat. If she sits on your couch will her butt get covered in cat hair?” And, “A crew from House Beautiful wants to film…did you straighten the living room?”

It seems to have worked, because I’ve gotten the house somewhat back in order. At least, I’m not ashamed of it.

Now, I have to go clean the bathrooms, though. My next e-mail says,
“Queen Elizabeth has arrived.”
My guess is that she’ll want to sit on the “throne.”

Forever!

Occasionally when I work for a school district, I am asked to undergo a background check. That doesn’t bother me, because I’m going to be around the kids. If I were a parent of kids in that school, I’d hope that the school had made every effort to know that the performer was not a predator.

I’m not. And, I don’t have anything to hide. But, I don’t expect the district to take my word for it.

Have y’all ever had a background check done? They ask a you to give a lot of information about yourself!

• name
• Maiden name
• address
• date of birth
• place of birth
• driver’s license number
• Social Security number
• addresses of where you have lived for the last umpty-eleven years
• where you have worked for the last umpty-eleven years
• shoe size (not really, I made that one up)

A background check is pretty thorough. The district asks me to fill out all that information and then hand it over to a total stranger at the school district office! I don’t know about you, but that a frightening thought for me. I want to see the background check on the person who will be handling mine!

A few months back, a school needed this information at the last minute (someone had “forgotten” that they needed a background check). They asked me to FAX this information to the school office. I declined.

Have y’all ever spent much time hanging out in a school office? It can get crazy in there, especially in the morning before school starts. In fact, I distinctly remember standing at the front counter at a school, and idly watching a fax print out on the machine that was sitting right there in view of everyone!

I don’t need a job badly enough to risk the possibility that any fool could see my personal information. They could steal my identity in a heartbeat.

More than a decade ago, a friend of mine had her identity stolen, and she is still suffering from the ramifications of it. It seems that no matter what she does, her credit has been terminaly affected. Her identity was stolen when she applied for a car loan at a dealership where she worked!

You can’t be too cautious about your personal information. Identity theft is a real problem, and the thieves are getting more sophisticated all the time. My friend, Misty Dawn, wrote an excellent post about identity theft with cautions about your credit cards use. You need to read it. After I did, I started thinking about other things that I’m careless about.

My purse is one of them!

I ran across an article when I was looking at “bags” the other day for a silly post about bags. It talked about how to guard against purse theft.

• First, pick the right purse. Drat! I’m a sucker for cute purses and vintage purses, but they aren’t always the best to carry. Avoid open top purses and pressure clasps in favor of one that has a flap top over a zippered compartment. So what if you can’t reach your cell phone in time. That’s why you have voice mail.
• Carry your purse properly. Don’t sling it over your back or have long, dangly straps. That makes a perfect target for a snatch and grab. Never wrap the strap on one side of your head with the purse on the other side of your body. In the case of a snatch and grab, you could get strangled! Carry that bag high, under your armpit, and to the front of your body.
• Always keep an eye on your purse. Don’t leave it on a table or counter and turn away from it. Do not leave it in the shopping cart while you ponder the prices of the canned peaches.
• Don’t set your purse on the floor in a restaurant. If you must, then put a chair leg or your foot through the strap.
• Be aware of what’s going on around you. Don’t get set up. Thieves sometimes work in groups, using the bump and slide in a crowd (when one thief jostles you and another takes your purse) or creating a commotion to draw your attention while another thief makes off with your handbag.

Even with taking every precaution, purse theft can still happen. If it does, act quickly to prevent identity theft! DO file a police report, alert all your credit card companies, and place a freeze on your credit report (so no stranger can get credit cards in your name).

TODAY, go photocopy all the credit cards and identity related cards in your wallet, so you have a record. Keep that in a safe place. Don’t trust your memory in cases of emergency. You know you will be too upset to remember everything.

I’d love to make jokes on this post, but identity theft is not a laughing matter. Has it ever happened to you? Do you have some other useful tips? If you are a blogger, write a post about it, and tell me. I’ll link you here. If you are not a blogger, tell me in a comment, and I can post it here. That one tidbit of information that you have may be all it takes to help someone else prevent a major calamity.

Y’all go make it a good day, and be careful out there!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Have you ever experienced jackhammers drilling through the foundation of your home? I’ve been waiting all day for the plumbers to show up, so I can have that delightful experience for the second time in a year. The only thing worse than “plumber’s butt” is waiting all day for them to arrive to show it to you! When I mention “plumber’s butt” around here, my delightful husband chortles, “Just say ‘no’ to crack!”

Some people have asked me if we are re-modeling. No. It’s a plumbing leak. If I were re-modeling, I’d have no cause for complaint. The mess would be my own fault. Believe me, it’s a mess, one that I would never intentionally choose.

Last year at this time, we got a plumbing surprise, and the plumber started in with the jackhammers before I had time to prepare. I was still numb from shock when they started jarring my house apart. By the time they were through, many hours later, my whole house was covered with a fine layer of cement dust. It seeped into cabinets and coated the dishes. It took months to get all the surfaces clean again.

Now, it begins again. This time, I’m ready for it (or as ready as you can be under the circumstances). If jackhammers are coming to your home, I want you to be prepared. Let me tell you a few things to know to help you prevent a mess:

1. Make sure that the plumber “tents” the area where he will be working if at all possible. That was our main problem last time. If he contains the cement dust to a smaller area with plastic sheeting, your mess will be much less at the end of the ordeal.
2. Take down any knick-knacks in the vicinity of that jackhammer! If you don’t, they will fall down of their own accord. We even took down mirrors, because we don’t need any more bad luck!
3. Remove as much furniture as you can from the area, and drape the rest with plastic sheeting.
4. Remove blinds and drapery in the area, unless you just really want to clean them. When I removed mine, I discovered that I had to clean them anyway, but at least I won’t be trying to remove cement dust, too.
5. Turn off the central heat and air conditioning unit in that area of the house, and cover the vents with plastic or tape.
6. Remove the blades from any ceiling fans, and bag the fixture with a garbage bag.
7. Tape off the doors to closets or other rooms, if you can.
8. Get yourself some earplugs!
9. Get some whine wine and try (just try) to relax!

Yeah.

Just try!

I want you to be aware of one other thing. Perhaps it will prevent you from having to endure this nonsense. I think you should avoid ever cleaning your house. It’s true. I’ve noticed a clear correlation between me polishing the paneling and the cabinets and plumbers needing to jackhammer through my foundation.

Coincidence?

You be the judge.

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