I let YOU be Dear Abby on my Thursday Thirteen, and some of you got very creative! Y’all are funny! I woke my husband up with my cackling this morning; he thought we had a hen in the study laying eggs for breakfast. Scroll down to see how some of you answered the Dear Abby letters that I posted on Thursday. I’m posting the new entries to the contest first (with “Abby’s” answer in bold—you don’t have to write that part).
The deadline for entering The Dear Abby Writing Contest is
Saturday, September 15th at 11:59 p.m. Texas Time. THAT’S TODAY! Do you want to enter? Go
here to post your letter. You’d better start writing that funny Dear Abby letter.
Yes, there is a
prize worth winning!
Most of the entries are at this post. But, here are the ones that came in since I posted. I’ll put them all over there when the deadline is reached.
Crank Mama sent this entry:
Dear Abby,
My hubby adores garlicky food and consumes it with wild abandon. He’ll devour roasted garlic then pop a stick of gum and think, “problem solved”. When I comment on the noxious smell, his response is to stop mouth-breathing. How do I educate him on the horrors of NOSE BREATH?
Signed,
Cranky from wearing this gas mask
Dear Cranky,
The wrong person is wearing the gas mask. If he gets a whiff of his own breath, he might get the picture. If all else fails, get a roll of duct tape to seal the offending orifice.
Signed,
Dear Abby
Sara entered this:
Dear Abby,
A co-worker of mine walked into the pub I was at last night & handed me a homemade muffin. When offered a drink she declined saying, just wanted to give you this muffin. This is the 3rd time she’s just “randomly” shown up at a place I’ve been at . . . should I be worried she’s stalking me?!??!
Scared of Muffin Lady
Dear Scared,
It’s difficult to tell your co-worker’s motive. Perhaps it’s a half-baked attempt to get a rise out of you. Technically, a “stalker” would give you celery, perhaps she’s a muffler? If you think she is, when you see her walk in the door, you should get your buns out of there.
Signed,
Dear Abby
Thorne posted this
Dear Abby,
I think I’m going crazy. First I’m big, then I’m small, I feel like a yo-yo. Could it be my diet? All I had today was a little drink and a couple of bites of a mushroom. I think I might be hallucinating, too. Should I call 911?
signed,
scared-of-that-red-queen
Dear Scared-of-that-red-queen,
You aren’t going crazy. It’s nothing to lose your head over. Perhaps you have a food allergy. Or, then again, perhaps you didn’t listen in the 5th grade when your teacher told you to “Just Say No.” Your mind must have been off in Wonderland. You don’t need to call 911. Call me, and I will talk you down.
Signed,
Dear Abby
This entry was from Kim (the url for her entry gave me a 404):
Dear Abby:
Someone has been stealing my Prada-wear and replacing it with $9.99 Chic twill pants. Although I am enjoying the elastic waistbands, I am concerned that some other hot babe will show up at the high-school football game in my missing clothes. What should I do? And do you think my butt looks big in pull-on pants? 
??:
Dear ??:,
What Devil would wear your Prada? I hope you kept your receipts, because if you find her, that’s your only means of re-gaining your belongings. If you see a hot babe at the ball game, you might want to consider how she looks before calling the police. If she looks better than you in your clothes, I would suggest keeping your lips zipped. As for that last question…Dear, you should be old enough to know that if you have to ask that question, you don’t want to hear the answer.
Signed,
Dear Abby
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
THIS IS HOW YOU ANSWERED THE LETTERS TO DEAR ABBY
Dear Abby,
My goilfriend and I have been together for 88 years, but I can’t win her. She toys with my emotions by floiting with a brute named Bluto. I’m a good man, but she won’t let me “close.” She’s still a voigin (some might say “extra voigin”). What can I do?
Signed,
Popeye
Dear Popeye,
I recommend you buy a case of spinach - eat it daily for one week. At the end of the week you can take on that big Brute Bluto and he’ll never bother you again.
As for the fair maiden, it’s time to wine and dine - spoil her with flowers, chocolates - take your salary x 12 and head off to buy her a rock no woman could refuse(diamonds are a girls best friend).
Continue sweeping her off her feet all the way to the altar before Bluto can say ‘What the’.
Abby(aka Teamouse)
Dear Popeye,
The good news is that if your slippery gal is still a “voigin”, she hasn’t given it up for Bluto either. Why not lose the pipe and pucker up for a kiss?
signed,
Dear Abby(aka Thorne)
Dear Abby
My hunting buddies say I’m always shooting off my mouth. What should I do?
Signed,
Dick Cheney
Dear Dick Cheney:
You say “shoot off your mouth” like it’s a BAD thing.
Abby (aka Damozel)
PS. I kid Dick Cheney! I loooove him really; I just think he’s a bit underemployed as Vice President. He should take some time off to be with his family, like the rest of the Executive branch!
Dear Dick,
Stop. Just stop.
Love,
Abby(aka Xakara)
Dear Abby,
People question my sexuality, and the criticism stings. They say I give mixed signals, but what do they mean? Perhaps I’m guilty—-wait, no I’m not. I’m on my knees—begging for an answer.
Signed,
Senator Larry Craig
Dear Larry,
Obviously you must have been some sort of naughty boy for people to think of you this way. What I would be to kick back and embrace the naughty, dirty part of you, not literally of course. Sit back, have some wine, rent a movie, perhaps Birdcage? Take the weekend to destress.
Abby (aka Sparky Duck)
Dear Abby,
I can’t believe I’m, like, writing. People are jealous because I’m rich and hot. They make a big deal because I had a little too much to drink and then I drove. Is that, like, such a crime?
Signed,
Paris
Dear Paris,
Yes, as a matter of fact, it is a crime. But don’t worry, prison orange is the new black and you’ll look fabulous after your third strike.
Love,
Abby (aka Xakara)
Dear Abby,
I’m a starving artist and a tortured soul. Starry nights make me melancholy and sunflowers give me only fleeting joy. My friends have turned away, even my best friend Paul. Can you lend me an ear (preferably the left)?
Signed,
Vincent Van Gogh
Dear Starving Artist,
Paul’s morality is questionable, to say the least. You’re better off depressed in in the french countryside than lazing about with half naked island girls. Why not paint some haystacks? That should cheer you up. Use lots of bright colors.
signed,
Dear Abby(aka Thorne)
PS
Paul might be outselling you now, but just wait until you’re dead!!
Dear Vincent:
Neither a borrower nor lender be. But check out garbage can at farmers market for leftovers, should be an ear left if a rogue deer didn’t get it first.
-Abs(aka Marcia)
Dear Abby.
I’ve bought products from the Acme Corporation for many years, but they are always faulty. Some of the devices have even caused me grievous bodily harm. The company representative says my ineptitude is to blame. Short of violence, what can I do? I just want to catch a stupid bird.
Signed,
Wile Ethelbert Coyote
Dear Wiley,
Chill, seriously you sound like you are tightly wound and have the patience of a gnat, no, forget that, a gnat has more patience than you. Work on your bird calling skills.
Abby(aka Jen)
Dear Mr. Coyote,
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. Perhaps therapy would be a better use of your time.
Also, have you tried bird seed?
Love,
Abby(aka Xakara)
Dear Abby,
My twin sister copies everything I do: she dresses like me, went to the same college, even got married in the same ceremony with me. I write a newspaper column, she writes one just like it. She hasn’t copied my hairstyle, yet. How can I be different?
Signed,
Ann Landers
Dear Ann Landers,
All that is left is to copy her hair style.
-Abby(aka Marcia)
Dear Abby,
I’m thinking about shaving my mustache. Will women still love me?
Signed,
Tom Selleck
Dearest Tom Selleck:
Yes, women will still love you if you shave off every hair that you have. Well, I will anyway.
Drooling,
Dear Abby(aka Comedy Plus)
Dear Mr. Selleck,
You can shave every hair off from the neck up, but I’d leave the rest alone. The effects of those open Hawaiian shirts and “short shorts” of the 80’s have been burned into the brain of every woman who stumbled onto Magnum PI, and I wouldn’t mess with that one damn bit. Nuh uh, darlin’.
Say hi to Higgy baby.
Love,
Abbs (aka Lara)
Dear Tom Selleck,
Mustache or no, I can’t think of a single lady who would be the least bit attracted by your drunken degradation. And in front of your daughter, no less! I suggest a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe they’re saving a seat for you.
sincerely, Abby (aka Thorne)
Does she have him mixed up with some other hunk??
Dear Abby,
I work as an engineer. I asked my boss for information on a new assignment and he told me to “leverage synergies while empowering the strategic-fit paradigm to enhance stakeholder buy-in.” All I ever wanted to do is design cool stuff. Help!
Signed, Dilbert
Dear Dilbert,
Fear not. It is likely your job will be outsourced or off-shored anyways and this will be a non-issue.
Abby(aka What Works For Mom)
Deer Abby,
The Principle at are Elementary Skull sad we halve to learn vocabulary wards to bee successful. I half spiel cheek on my computer. Their is no knead. If the Precedent kin succeed without a beg vocabulary, watt dew yew think?
Signed,
Aninymus Anonamus Unanimous
Dear Unanimous,
Well you’re a regular lil George W, aren’t you honey? Unless your family has interests in big oil companies and other shady business, my advice to you is “Hooked on Phonics”
signed,
Dear Abby(aka Thorne)
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
NOW START WRITING AND ENTER THE CONTEST!
Technorati Tags: funny, The Dear Abby Writing Contest
Tomorrow at High Noon, the voting closes, and one of them will win this lovely purse/necklace. Click the thumbnail to see a larger view. There are 2,000 sparkly seed beads on it, and it was knitted by a woman who also volunteers for the Share A Square project. 
