To Catch A Teenager

May 4, 2009

So, have y’all seen that Dateline NBC show, “To Catch A Predator?” You know the one: that guy Chris Hansen sets up a sting to catch slimeballs who talk to teenage girls on the internet and arrange to meet them for a “good time” (wink, wink). Oh, Chris Hansen is merciless, isn’t he? Last night [...]

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My Muse Assures Me That Grief Is Good

April 30, 2009

[Editor's note: If you have been here before, you might know that my Muse is just ONE of the voices that talk regularly in my head. This isn't our first conversation. The Muse is a bit childish. She loves to play dress up, go out and play or shop, eat chocolate, guzzle triple-shot mochas, and [...]

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A Ditty For Idiot Drivers

April 29, 2009

We were trying to mitigate our road rage last weekend, as we continuously encountered really stupid drivers. Texas does not have a monopoly on dumb drivers, but because there are a lot of people in the state, it seems like we have more than our fair share. So, my husband and I wrote a little [...]

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We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Waterboards

April 28, 2009

As more information comes to light about the heinous waterboard torture used on suspected terrorists, it is obvious to me that it is time women were running this country. We would never need to resort to any form of torture that violates the Geneva Convention. Women are much more creative. Witness the epilator. Yes, the [...]

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Sometimes Life is Like a 404 Error Page

April 16, 2009

You know what a “404 error page” is don’t you? When you read those words on your computer screen, it means that the URL (link) that you just followed took you to nowhere. You didn’t get where you intended to go. You have to backtrack and head in a different direction, because you didn’t find [...]

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Another Argument With My Muse

April 14, 2009

“You woke me up at 2:30 this morning, Muse! What do you think you are doing?” “I wanted to write a haiku.” “Ridiculous! I need my beauty rest.” “It doesn’t matter how long you sleep — it’s not going to help you.” “Don’t get funny.” “But, you always tell me you want me to be [...]

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To Err Is Human, To Share Is Divine

April 7, 2009

To be absolutely honest, I blatantly stole that title quote. It’s a line in a book by Margaret Mason called No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog. It’s worth the read whether you are a beginning blogger or have been blogging for years (because we all get stumped for [...]

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Am I Having More Fun Yet?

March 29, 2009

You betcha! So, like, I decided to go blond, and Mr. Tucker said, “Say something stupid.” But, like, I don’t have to be a blond to do that. I want to get a job proof-reading M & Ms, because I’m tired of getting all those “w”s, aren’t you? I was going to drink some orange [...]

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BACON Camp? In San Francisco!

March 19, 2009

Did anybody win the lottery last night? Does anybody want to sponsor me? I NEED FUNDING NOW! Somebody help me out here. Nobody told me there is a “Bacon Camp” in San Francisco! As if I needed another reason to want to go to San Francisco! YES! And, it’s coming up this week, March 21st. [...]

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Lip Service

March 15, 2009

Sometimes I just pay “lip service” to being frugal, but don’t call me to give me any lip about it! That’s my “new to me” telephone (I don’t really know if it is vintage) — but, yes, it really works. I have named my new “hot lips” phone Angelina — doesn’t it remind you of [...]

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Saddest Coffee Table Book On Earth

March 12, 2009

I heard a comedian (I was nearly asleep and didn’t get her name) mention this book the other night, and I didn’t believe it existed. I looked it up this morning and there it was: Vegan Cooking For One?? Yes, folks, y’all can buy this book to proudly display on your coffee table. Then the [...]

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Wear Clean Underwear

March 11, 2009

“Wear clean underwear, in case you are in an accident!” I actually heard my grandmother utter that cliché once. Y’all thought that was just a joke people used, didn’t you? I’m not sure I understand exactly why clean underwear would be important. How can I put this “delicately?” I’m telling you that if I were [...]

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Black, White, And Read All Over

March 9, 2009

Mr. Tucker finds our little old daily newspaper to be a boring read. Or, maybe he just couldn’t find his glasses. I’ve taken a break from the internet for a few days, because Mr. Tucker had some vacation time. Supposedly it was in honor of my birthday. If the truth is told, it was because [...]

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Practicing Avoidance

February 24, 2009

That’s the screen saver I have on my iPhone. The face was hanging on the wall at that wonderful hotel in Madisonville, Texas that I told y’all about. I told you a three part ghost story, (if you didn’t see it start with Just My Imagination?). I wish I had taken a picture of it [...]

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Catching Flies

February 22, 2009

Without internet service yesterday, I had to resort to reading a book. As I perused my David Sedaris short stories, my little gray tabby cat jumped on the bed beside me. She took one look at the title, then opened her mouth wide and emitted a huge yawn. She finds Sedaris boring, I guess … [...]

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The Senility Test: Brain Teasers

January 28, 2009

My husband’s beloved Aunt Cleo sent one of those forwarded e-mails. You might have already gotten this one, but I just had to pass it on: 1. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. In what position are you? ¡puoɔǝs ǝɹɐ noʎ os ‘ǝɔɐ1d sıɥ ǝʞɐʇ noʎ ‘uosɹǝd puoɔǝs ǝɥʇ ǝʞɐʇɹǝʌo [...]

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Abusive Muse

January 17, 2009

“Talk to me.” “I don’t wanna.” “Say something. Anything!” “Let’s play mahjong.” “We’ve been playing mahjong for the last two hours. Let’s write.” “Give me cookies first.” “We’re on a diet … cookies aren’t good for us. Now say something.” “There’s low-fat frozen yogurt in the freezer.” “That’s NOT what I want you to say. [...]

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Pick me! PICK ME!

January 12, 2009

Do I have some invisible tattoo on my forehead that says, “Available For Jury Duty?” I told you in a rant back in 2007 that I get called to jury duty a lot! I told you then about giving a snot-nosed young lawyer his come-uppance when he made fun of my occupation (storytelling) in a [...]

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Seems Like This Has Happened Before

January 8, 2009

When my eyes blur in the morning, I know it’s time to head to my local coffee house and get a mocha. They always expect me and usually start pulling the shots for my drink when they hear me screech into a parking space. As I moseyed in the door, Angelo greeted me with, “Hey [...]

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Thoroughly Agitated

January 3, 2009

“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together”….Carl Zwanzig Do y’all ever just wonder “why” sometimes? I do. I want somebody to tell me why appliances and major plumbing lines only break on weekends, holidays, or in a snowstorm? Sometimes it’s all three [...]

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