Dora Before She “Came Out”

Before I knew that I was channeling Dora and not her sister Abby, I had a “Dear Abby Contest” here at This Eclectic Life. So that you can see all the entries to those contests, and some of the examples that Dora made up, I’ve put them all together in one place. Notice they are written to (and signed by “Abby”).

For these examples, I used the theme “clue”

Dear Abby,
My wife wears the pants in our family, and she wants to be President. If a President’s wife is a “First Lady,” will that make me a “First Gentleman?”
Signed,
Bill

Dear Bill,
That would be a “first” for you , I’m sure. Let me clue you in on this:the name won’t make you a “gentleman.” Maybe you should follow your wife’s lead and “wear” the pants.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
I don’t have a clue why Marge thinks that it’s all my fault that our son Bart has that awful Attention Deficit Disorder. She claims it’s hereditary and it must have come from me, because she says I can’t finish anything—not even a sent…oh look…a donut!
Signed
Homer

Dear Homer,
A.D.D. is not so difficult to learn to endure. Most people who suffer from it can still function quite well. If it is hereditary, it’s possible that you…where’s a donut?
Signed
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
My daughter bullies her little brother. I’ve tried everything to get her to stop: I’ve given her “time out”, I’ve yelled at her, I’ve even spanked her. How can I teach her not to hit her brother? What should I do next?
Signed,
Clueless

Dear Clueless,
Perhaps you can try distracting your daughter. Give her something interesting to do. You could teach her to spell. Start with a word that’s easy to recognize, like “h-y-p-o-c-r-i-s-y.”
Signed
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

My concern is several. The American people misunderestimated me. They reflect a half-glass-full mentality. I’m like any other political figure: Everybody wants to be loved, but my position is clear — I’m a commander guy. People don’t trust me. I’ll work hard to try to elevate it. Gimme a clue.
Signed
George W.

Dear Dub,
A clue wouldn’t help.
Signed
Dear Abby

Here are some letters submitted by bloggers who entered the contest:

This was the eventual contest winner:

Dear Abby,

I am a widower with three children by three previous marriages. The woman I am courting mentions her cousin every time I propose. Katherine has a very delicate neck that she rubs whenever I ask for her hand. What will ease her pain so that she will consider my offer and say yes?

King Henry VIII

Dear Hank,
You might have bitten off more than you can chew with this relationship. According to ancient Gypsy lore, “the consistent rubbing of the neck is a sign of unfaithfulness.” Beware. You might just have to give this relationship the axe.

Signed,
Dear Abby

But there were MANY fine entries!

Dear Abby,

Leon demanded I do housework instead of sitting on my rear at the computer all day, but I want to win Bestest Blogger! There’s no class, so I practice. He only works 50 hours a week, he can clean! Everyone says he’s a saint, but he’s taking my computer away.

signed,

married to the devil disguised as Saint Leon.

Dear Married to the devil :twisted: disguised as Saint Leon,
Everyone has their cross to bear. I suggest one of two options:

Hide Leon’s glasses, so he won’t see the mess, or

Take a trip to Victoria’s Secret and buy a sexy, flimsy negligee to use as your “blogging uniform.”

Good luck.
Signed
Dear Abby

Dear Abby
I need to do a course in time management – but I don’t have time to find out about, let alone do, one. Between mothering, lovering, hovering, hoovering, working, washing, cleaning, cooking, blogging and volunteering it seems in my life nothing gets compl –darn – can I get back to you?

Ms I-really-truly-do-intend-to-get-around-to-it.

Dear Truly do intend,
You don’t need a course in time management, dear. You need a maid, a butler, a cook, and a nanny…just like I have.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
I was recently approached by a very unscrupulous lady who wants me to pimp out my granny in order to get some afghan squares. It is for charity, but granny is old and wont make much even without her teeth, so what do you think i should do?

Cheers
Confused Claire

Dear C. C.,

What maniac would ask you to pimp your grandmother? You should report that woman to the authorities. Have big, burly, manly Bobbies come and handcuff her. Of course, a pervert like that might like being handcuffed. Short of having that wench arrested, you could save your grandmother from an awful fate. YOU could learn to crochet squares to ransom her, OR you could offer your own self instead.

Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
I’m a psychic and your answer to the question I would have written to you makes me furious.

You better hope I never see you on the street, I carry a knife.

I would shoot you in the head, but I see you wear a helmet, and it looks bullet proof.

Signed
Angry Psychic

Dear Angry Psychic,
I’m so sorry about the recent layoff at the post office. I’m guessing that’s your problem. Obviously, you are not Clairol-voyant, or you would know whether or not my “helmet” is indestructible. Only my hairdresser knows for sure.

Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
My family won’t let me come and visit them. They seem to think that when I visit, there’s another funeral to attend. It’s boring in Cabot Cove because I suspect people pretend not to be home when I ring their doorbells. Can you suggest where I can find friends?

Lonely in Cabot Cove,
Jessica Fletcher

Dear Lonely,
That’s such a sad situation. It must be murder to have to endure it! I’m afraid You might just have to be content with imaginary friends. It’s a novel situation and one I’ve never encountered. I must admit it’s a mystery to me. Let me consult my colleague, Dr. Kevorkian.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
Eleven years of marriage and three years of being first-time parents, hubby has yet to grasp reality that putting his dirty clothes in a washing machine, adding soap, and turning a knob are reasonable and customary in our current help-thyself-era. Though we may share common interests, I’m no June Cleaver!
Signed
Disobedient wife

Dear Disobedient,
Some men find it difficult to discover that Father Doesn’t Know Best. Leave his laundry until his dirty underwear can stand up and walk by itself. He will either learn to do the laundry or buy new underwear. Be glad you aren’t June Cleaver, dear. Those shoulder pads she wears are ridiculous, and her hairstyle is hopelessly outdated.
Signed,
Dear Abby

dear abby,

help!! there is a strange, matronly looking, middle aged woman living in my mirror… i have nothing against her personally,, but i believe she has stolen my reflection…. how can i send her packing,, and get ME back in my mirror?????

signed,

not my mirror image

Dear image,

Oh my, you are not alone! There is a marauding band of middle aged women and men roaming the country stealing reflections, and they have even admitted some senior citizens into their ranks! You could hide your mirror and hope they don’t find it. Or, you could hide your glasses so you don’t have to look at the thief. As you can see from my photograph, they haven’t found me yet. I look the same way I have for the past eighty years. It could be my magical helmet.

Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I have two wretched step sisters and an evil step-mom. I
have to help them with their beauty regime, including much waxing!
I won a ticket to the MTV video awards! I’d love to go, but I have nothing to wear and Prince will be there.

What should I do?

All Plucked Out

Dear Plucked,
Stop whining and hoping for a fairy godmother to come and save you. That only happens in stories. These days, in fashion, anything goes. If Prince isn’t charmed by your inner beauty, then he’s a heel and you should give him the boot. Only a ninny waits around to be saved. That may seem harsh, but if the shoe fits—wear it.

Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby….

Why do I keep going out with no good losers?? I know that I attend Bar’s and Surf the Internet on a regular basis but I cant seem to find a man worth the price of a loaf of bread…any suggestions?? Maybe I should try one of those co dependent meetings…I bet I could find a good man there!!
Signed,
Hopeless in Yucaipa (this came from Lori, and I had no url)

Dear Hopeless,
Do you expect to find a Gucci handbag at Wal-Mart? If you can’t find a man worth the price of a loaf of bread, perhaps you shouldn’t be looking at the Artisan loaves! Speaking of shopping, the trend is to find men at the grocery store. The produce aisle is a great “pick-up” spot. If you catch a man’s eye, you can indicate your interest by choosing a few nice cucumbers. In turn, he will indicate interest by asking you to help him choose a ripe melon. If you are lucky, you will find a good man who is willing to keep up with all the “honey-dos.”
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
I have a problem with Shelia who keeps her behind in that uncomfortable chair for hours, posting unreadable fiction on her blog and reading blogs into the AM. We haven’t seen daylight in months and standing in front of the window doesn’t count. Abby, what should I do?
Stuck together.

Dear Stuck,
Togetherness is not always bad, and daylight is not all it’s cracked up to be. Shelia sounds like she could use a 12 step program. Or help her out by investing in a laptop computer, and make her blog outside. Be nice to her. She might become a famous writer someday. Stranger things have happened. After all, Conan the Barbarian is the governor of California.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
A greeting card company used my face and trademarked phrase on a card implying I was a waitress. My lawyer wants to sue because they stole my identity, but I’ve never been a waitress so I’m not sure that’s supposed to be me. What should I do?
The Heir Head
Dear Heir,
Apparently some people can’t get enough of being in a courtroom. Frivolous lawsuits are all the rage; that’s hot, so to speak. I know what you mean about people using your likeness, someone is using mine for a ridiculous writing contest. But, face it, any publicity is good publicity. Though you have never been a waitress, here is a little tip, “Go with the flow.” Speaking of Flo, you can borrow a line from that famous waitress and tell them, “Kiss my grits.” But first make sure the phrase isn’t trademarked.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
I’ve lost my mind and don’t know where to find it.
I swear I do things like leave comments on blogs, something I enjoy so much. Then I go back to see the response and realize I never posted the comment.
Signed
Dumb in Denver
Dear Denver,
Try looking on top of your head, that’s where I always leave my glasses. That’s really not so dumb. People do it all the time. Then, when you go back to check for a response you think you are blind because the doofus Shelly blog owner didn’t answer. Take a lesson from Jimmy Buffett, “Breathe in, breathe out, move on.”
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby
My boyfriend says I have more hair on my chest than he does on his… to get rid of it should I pluck, shave or use “Neat?”
Signed,
Hope (it doesn’t hurt) [AKA Kansas A]
Dear (no) Hope,
It’s a pity you don’t live in Europe, the hair would not be considered a problem. Any of the ways you have mentioned are just temporary (and products like “Neat” and “Nair” shouldn’t be used in “tender” areas). Electrolysis is the only way to go; it’s how I tame my mustache. It will hurt like the dickens. In the future, avoid eating spicy foods or drinking strong coffee. To quote Shelly’s Daddy, “That’ll put hair on your chest.”
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
How can I tell my neighbors nicely to knock before they come in. I have had problems during the past 6 years with Mr. Bird, Mrs. Possum, and Mr. Snake and they have overstepped their boundaries. :sad:
Sad

Dear :sad:,
Some folks have no manners. They are just animals. If telling them politely to change their ways does not help, you might have to be more forceful. By all means, take up the welcome mat and stop having an open door policy. Otherwise, when Mr. Possum comes to call, you’ll just have to grin and bear it.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
My kindergarten son asked, “What does gay mean?” I said, “happy.” He said, “I know it means something else.”
Later, he held up his fourth finger. He grinned, and said, “I’m saying a bad word in Chinese.”
Do you think he knows too much?

4 Boy Mom

Dear Mom,
He knows just enough to be dangerous.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
My friend Shelly is having a really cool contest and the winner gets an ADORABLE beaded purse necklace. I’d like to enter, but I just can’t think of a good enough entry. How about you send me a corker out of your archives and I’ll give you joint custody of the necklace?
Signed,
Uninspired in Israel

Dear Uninspired,
You should think harder. But, don’t think for a minute I’ll share something from MY archives. My sister Ann Landers did that, and there was a horrible scandal. If I get my hands on that adorable necklace, I have no intention of sharing.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

My hubby adores garlicky food and consumes it with wild abandon. He’ll devour roasted garlic then pop a stick of gum and think, “problem solved”. When I comment on the noxious smell, his response is to stop mouth-breathing. How do I educate him on the horrors of NOSE BREATH?

Signed,

Cranky from wearing this gas mask

Dear Cranky,
The wrong person is wearing the gas mask. If he gets a whiff of his own breath, he might get the picture. If all else fails, get a roll of duct tape to seal the offending orifice.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

A co-worker of mine walked into the pub I was at last night & handed me a homemade muffin. When offered a drink she declined saying, just wanted to give you this muffin. This is the 3rd time she’s just “randomly” shown up at a place I’ve been at . . . should I be worried she’s stalking me?!??!

Scared of Muffin Lady
Dear Scared,
It’s difficult to tell your co-worker’s motive. Perhaps it’s a half-baked attempt to get a rise out of you. Technically, a “stalker” would give you celery, perhaps she’s a muffler? If you think she is, when you see her walk in the door, you should get your buns out of there.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
I think I’m going crazy. First I’m big, then I’m small, I feel like a yo-yo. Could it be my diet? All I had today was a little drink and a couple of bites of a mushroom. I think I might be hallucinating, too. Should I call 911?
signed,
scared-of-that-red-queen
Dear Scared-of-that-red-queen,
You aren’t going crazy. It’s nothing to lose your head over. Perhaps you have a food allergy. Or, then again, perhaps you didn’t listen in the 5th grade when your teacher told you to “Just Say No.” Your mind must have been off in Wonderland. You don’t need to call 911. Call me, and I will talk you down.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby:

Someone has been stealing my Prada-wear and replacing it with $9.99 Chic twill pants. Although I am enjoying the elastic waistbands, I am concerned that some other hot babe will show up at the high-school football game in my missing clothes. What should I do? And do you think my butt looks big in pull-on pants? :???: (Kim entered this, but I had no url)

Dear :???:,

What Devil would wear your Prada? I hope you kept your receipts, because if you find her, that’s your only means of re-gaining your belongings. If you see a hot babe at the ball game, you might want to consider how she looks before calling the police. If she looks better than you in your clothes, I would suggest keeping your lips zipped. As for that last question…Dear, you should be old enough to know that if you have to ask that question, you don’t want to hear the answer.
Signed,
Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

My neighbor’s cousin’s daughter’s friend just had her third child. My neighbor thinks the child is not the husband’s. Should she confront this girl? The family is bellyaching to my neighbor because she was supposed to throw a baby shower for this girl and she refused to do it because of this situation. I tell ya that baby looks like the UPS guy!

Signed,
What now
Dear What Now,
When they are born, all babies look like the UPS guy! I look like my schnauzer, so what? Was the UPS guy present at the delivery? A baby is a baby and deserves a shower. Like I always say, “MYOB.” Or, was that my sister that said that?
Signed,
Dear Abby

For grins, I wrote some letters to Dear Abby, and let my readers answer them. Here were the questions, with answers from readers (if the question was answered):
1.

Dear Abby,
My brother is a bully. He’s always calling me a “knucklehead” and pokin’ me in the eyes. I want him to stop. I’m trying to think and nothing happens. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Can you help me?
Signed,
Curly

2.

Dear Abby,
My goilfriend and I have been together for 88 years, but I can’t win her. She toys with my emotions by floiting with a brute named Bluto. I’m a good man, but she won’t let me “close.” She’s still a voigin (some might say “extra voigin”). What can I do?
Signed,
Popeye

Dear Popeye,

I recommend you buy a case of spinach – eat it daily for one week. At the end of the week you can take on that big Brute Bluto and he’ll never bother you again.

As for the fair maiden, it’s time to wine and dine – spoil her with flowers, chocolates – take your salary x 12 and head off to buy her a rock no woman could refuse(diamonds are a girls best friend).

Continue sweeping her off her feet all the way to the altar before Bluto can say ‘What the’.

Abby(aka Teamouse)

AND

Dear Popeye,
The good news is that if your slippery gal is still a “voigin”, she hasn’t given it up for Bluto either. Why not lose the pipe and pucker up for a kiss?
signed,
Dear Abby(aka Thorne)

3.

Dear Abby
My hunting buddies say I’m always shooting off my mouth. What should I do?
Signed,
Dick Cheney

Dear Dick Cheney:
You say “shoot off your mouth” like it’s a BAD thing.
Abby (aka Damozel)
PS. I kid Dick Cheney! I loooove him really; I just think he’s a bit underemployed as Vice President. He should take some time off to be with his family, like the rest of the Executive branch!

AND

Dear Dick,
Stop. Just stop.
Love,
Abby(aka Xakara)

4.

Dear Abby,
People question my sexuality, and the criticism stings. They say I give mixed signals, but what do they mean? Perhaps I’m guilty—-wait, no I’m not. I’m on my knees—begging for an answer.
Signed,
Senator Larry Craig

Dear Larry,
Obviously you must have been some sort of naughty boy for people to think of you this way. What I would be to kick back and embrace the naughty, dirty part of you, not literally of course. Sit back, have some wine, rent a movie, perhaps Birdcage? Take the weekend to destress.
Abby (aka Sparky Duck)

5.

Dear Abby,
I can’t believe I’m, like, writing. People are jealous because I’m rich and hot. They make a big deal because I had a little too much to drink and then I drove. Is that, like, such a crime?
Signed,
Paris

Dear Paris,
Yes, as a matter of fact, it is a crime. But don’t worry, prison orange is the new black and you’ll look fabulous after your third strike.
Love,
Abby (aka Xakara)

6.

Dear Abby,
I’m a starving artist and a tortured soul. Starry nights make me melancholy and sunflowers give me only fleeting joy. My friends have turned away, even my best friend Paul. Can you lend me an ear (preferably the left)?
Signed,
Vincent Van Gogh

Dear Starving Artist,
Paul’s morality is questionable, to say the least. You’re better off depressed in in the french countryside than lazing about with half naked island girls. Why not paint some haystacks? That should cheer you up. Use lots of bright colors.
signed,
Dear Abby(aka Thorne)
PS
Paul might be outselling you now, but just wait until you’re dead!!

AND

Dear Vincent:
Neither a borrower nor lender be. But check out garbage can at farmers market for leftovers, should be an ear left if a rogue deer didn’t get it first.
-Abs(aka Marcia)

7.

Dear Abby.
I’ve bought products from the Acme Corporation for many years, but they are always faulty. Some of the devices have even caused me grievous bodily harm. The company representative says my ineptitude is to blame. Short of violence, what can I do? I just want to catch a stupid bird.
Signed,
Wile Ethelbert Coyote

Dear Wiley,
Chill, seriously you sound like you are tightly wound and have the patience of a gnat, no, forget that, a gnat has more patience than you. Work on your bird calling skills.
Abby(aka Jen)

AND

Dear Mr. Coyote,

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. Perhaps therapy would be a better use of your time.

Also, have you tried bird seed?

Love,
Abby(aka Xakara)

8.

Dear Abby,
My twin sister copies everything I do: she dresses like me, went to the same college, even got married in the same ceremony with me. I write a newspaper column, she writes one just like it. She hasn’t copied my hairstyle, yet. How can I be different?
Signed,
Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers,
All that is left is to copy her hair style.
-Abby(aka Marcia)

9.

Dear Abby,
I’m thinking about shaving my mustache. Will women still love me?
Signed,
Tom Selleck

Dearest Tom Selleck:

Yes, women will still love you if you shave off every hair that you have. Well, I will anyway.

Drooling,
Dear Abby(aka Comedy Plus)

AND

Dear Mr. Selleck,
You can shave every hair off from the neck up, but I’d leave the rest alone. The effects of those open Hawaiian shirts and “short shorts” of the 80’s have been burned into the brain of every woman who stumbled onto Magnum PI, and I wouldn’t mess with that one damn bit. Nuh uh, darlin’.
Say hi to Higgy baby.
Love,
Abbs (aka Lara)

AND

Dear Tom Selleck,
Mustache or no, I can’t think of a single lady who would be the least bit attracted by your drunken degradation. And in front of your daughter, no less! I suggest a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe they’re saving a seat for you.
sincerely, Abby (aka Thorne)

Does she have him mixed up with some other hunk??

10.

Dear Abby,
I’ve wasted a lifetime trying to please my mother, who rules with an iron hand. I’m her successor to lead the family business, but she won’t step down (even though she is past her prime). Have you any advice? I’m all ears.
Signed,
Prince Charlie

11.

Dear Abby,
I have a crush on a little red-haired girl, but I don’t have any idea how to approach her. Tell me what to say to win her heart. Do other men have this problem? Good grief! I can’t stand it, I can’t stand it.
Signed,
Charlie Brown

12.

Dear Abby,
I work as an engineer. I asked my boss for information on a new assignment and he told me to “leverage synergies while empowering the strategic-fit paradigm to enhance stakeholder buy-in.” All I ever wanted to do is design cool stuff. Help!

Signed, Dilbert

Dear Dilbert,

Fear not. It is likely your job will be outsourced or off-shored anyways and this will be a non-issue.

Abby(aka What Works For Mom)

13.

Deer Abby,
The Principle at are Elementary Skull sad we halve to learn vocabulary wards to bee successful. I half spiel cheek on my computer. Their is no knead. If the Precedent kin succeed without a beg vocabulary, watt dew yew think?
Signed,
Aninymus Anonamus Unanimous

Dear Unanimous,
Well you’re a regular lil George W, aren’t you honey? Unless your family has interests in big oil companies and other shady business, my advice to you is “Hooked on Phonics”
signed,
Dear Abby(aka Thorne)

And one my husband wrote, but Abby never answered:

“Dear Abby,
My wife doesn’t understand that I have a “healthy libido.” I think she may know about the other woman, because she is making some cutting remarks. I don’t know what to do. Can you give me some advice, because I’m stumped.
Signed
John Wayne Bobbitt”