Tag Archive for beauty

Dear Ellen Degeneres, You Steered Me Wrong!

Dear Ellen Degeneres,
I am so disappointed in you! After Oprah left, I thought you would be the “new guru,” telling all of us out in television viewer land how we should think and what we should do. The truth is that you were always my guru; I admit I have a girl crush on you (but let’s keep that between you and me and the gatepost, shall we?). I have always believed everything you told me, because I thought you had integrity. I thought that you would always tell me the truth.

Now, I know better.

Do you remember that show you did — the one where you gave audience members makeovers and whitened a woman’s teeth using that product that has the light thingie that you shine on your teeth? Sure you do.

light thingie for Luster

You raved about that product … you promised that it worked. In fact, you even gave everyone in the studio audience one of them! Boy howdy, did they squeal about that, but they didn’t know what I now know. And, by the way, I can’t figure out why you don’t send me things like that since I am your biggest fan (well, maybe not your biggest fan … I’ve seen some of those ladies in the audience. I’m big, but at least I know better than to wear Spandex). Anyway, I digress. Let me just say that I believed your endorsement of the product.

I admire you so much that not long ago I even cut my hair so I could look like you! I do look a little like you (if you squint) … except for my wrinkles and my dyed red hair. OK, maybe I don’t look much like you, but we both have two eyes a nose and a mouth that are situated in approximately similar places on our faces. I like the haircut … it made me look younger. I decided I wanted to whiten my teeth, too (because you said that’s supposed to make you look younger, as well). I had tried all those strips and toothpastes and such, but none of them worked.

I bought that product that you recommended and was so excited to bring it home and use it. I expected the miracle that you promised! What a silly fool am I. I opened up that box like it was a Christmas present. First I pulled out the chart they give you with different colored teeth, so you can compare yours and track your progress.

tooth color chart

What a load of malarkey! Hold this computer up at the mirror and compare your teeth to these! These are all shades of gray or brown! Nobody’s teeth match that. Even the homeless guy down on the square (whose few teeth are every color of the rainbow) doesn’t have any teeth that match these colors. Even the whitest of the ones they show isn’t “white.” That didn’t bode well, but since “Ellen said it,” I decided to go ahead and try it.

There’s this bottle of stuff that you are supposed to swish around in your mouth … then you paint your teeth with another liquid, and then train that light on your mouth for two minutes. You aren’t supposed to let that paint touch your lips or tongue. How in Thunder can you keep that from happening? I slathered myself with Vaseline Petroleum Jelly and did those applications. The box told me that in ten applications I’d see a difference, and that in twenty I would have teeth that were a shade whiter. It said that I could do this in an hour.

What with swishing and painting and lighting twenty times, it took me two and a half hours! I was so busy swishing that I missed watching your show! When I was done, I looked at my teeth and I didn’t see much difference at all. Then I read the rest of that brochure and saw that it told me that I should avoid coffee, colas, blueberries, ketchup, soy sauce, and tobacco for 24 hours.

Crap. I wish I had read that first! I immediately started craving a double latte, blueberry pancakes with ketchup, some lo mein, and a tin of snuff! I’ve been sitting here jonesing for 24 hours, and I’ve been huffing because my teeth don’t seem noticeably whiter. We are not amused!

How could you do this? Now, I know that you have sold out.
As I said, I’m disappointed in you. In fact, just to show you how much … I’m going to start watching Judge Judy instead of you! Judge Judy is a mean old broad (and she never tells people to “Be kind to one another”), but at least I know that Judge Judy tells it like it is. She didn’t sell out to corporate America.

I can’t believe that my Ellen has steered me wrong. I’m out forty-some-odd bucks, my lips are chapped, my nerves are frayed, my teeth aren’t white, and two and a half hours of my life are gone … and I’ll never get those back!

I think I’m going to go have a latte and a dip of snuff.

Your former biggest fan.

Envy Me. I Had A Facial At Massage Envy.

My face feels as smooth as a baby’s bottom since I went for a facial at Massage Envy in Corinth. If you have never had a facial before, I’m not going to lie to you — there is a part of the process that hurts like Thunder! But, it’s like the pain of childbirth: you forget about it when you get the new “baby” in your hands. I had been given a complimentary facial at this new spa, and I decided to indulge myself, whether I liked it or not!

I skulked out of the house draped in a hat, sunglasses, and a scarf. Although I hoped I looked like Mata Hari, I probably looked more like a deranged beekeeper. The thought of leaving my house with no makeup was frightening (I’m scary without my mascara), but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I made my way to Corinth for the facial that I hoped would save me from myself.

Even more chilling than wearing no makeup was the thought of a stranger getting a close-up gander at my face! Y’all know how, before someone comes to clean your house, you spend hours straightening … so they won’t judge you on how messy you are? I had spent hours plucking stray chin hairs and cleansing my face so I could fool my esthetician into believing I take care of myself. I don’t think I fooled her one bit.

esthetician in your face

She was this close to me!

Diana didn’t seem like a stranger for long. When I arrived, they asked me what I hoped to gain from this facial. All I could think to say is, “Make me look like Ellen Degeneres.” A few weeks ago, I got a drastic haircut trying to look like my idol, and I figured I might as well go the Full Monty. They hid their laughter well, but Dianna assured me, “There is no such thing as magic in a bottle.”

I’m not sure what she meant by that.

soothing spa room“You didn’t have to come in with no makeup,” Diana said. “I’m going to cleanse your face twice before we begin.” As I reclined on the massage table in a dark, calm room, she used the most soothing, silky cleanser I have ever felt to do just that. I think she used some other potions and lotions (I can’t remember, because I was enjoying the moment).

Just when I was feeling totally relaxed, she placed gauze over my eyes and trained a bright light on my face so that she could see every doggone flaw I have … and there are many! “Blackheads on your nose,” she murmured. I replied, “Yes, they’ve been with me so long that I’ve named them.”

“Your skin is couperose” she stated.

“Do whut?” I asked.

“Those red lines on your cheek and nose,” she said. “They indicate that your skin is very delicate and dry. You have been using the wrong products on your skin!”

I do have broken capillaries. I think the condition is called “rosacea,” which is frightening, because that’s what W.C. Fields had … and I’d rather look like Ellen than W.C. Fields. Unfortunately, it is what it is.

After she examined my skin, the painful part began. Yes, I remember it, but I’m not going to dwell on it. It’s called “extraction,” to be polite, but it’s exactly what your Momma told you not to do to yourself: popping blackheads. Momma was right; let the esthetician do it so you don’t get it infected!

The painful part was over quickly, and followed by more lotions and potions. I promise that made it all feel better. In fact, it made me feel fabulous! When we were done, Diana gave me some ideas on what I should be doing to take care of my skin. This is the part that everybody needs to find out: how to take care of your own skin. Everyone is different, and as we age, our skin changes. Soap and water doesn’t always cut the mustard, and it certainly won’t slow the aging process.

Diana told me that everyone should cleanse their face both morning and night. “Why morning?” you ask. “Isn’t my face clean when I wake up?”

No, it’s not. During the night, your body produces cortisol, which causes dead skin to slough from your face. In the morning, you should clean your face to remove that, at night you clean it to get the makeup and grime off of you.

For me, Diana suggested a product with Vitamin C in it, that would help strengthen the skin. I admit that I fell for the product she suggested. I bought it and have been using it all week. She said there was no “magic in a bottle,” but you won’t get me saying that! The wrinkles under my eyes have dramatically reduced!

Massage Envy in CorinthI know you are thinking that a facial is an extravagance in these tough economic times, but it’s worth the price. No. A facial won’t make you look like Ellen Degeneres, but it will make you look better, and it will make you feel like a million bucks!

Fortunately at Massage Envy, it won’t cost that. At Massage Envy (check it out — I bet there is one near you) they have some sweet deals! If you are near Corinth, ask for Diana (she’s fantastic).

Will I go back for another facial? You bet! I want Diana to pinch me again — I won’t even mind it when I see the results. But, I don’t look like Ellen Degeneres, darn it.

Smelling LUSH-ous

creamy candy bath soap
I bent my head to the side and pointed to my neck, “Take a whiff, Honey,” I said to my husband. “I smell like San Francisco!”

My Sweet Spousal Unit shrugged and said, “As long as you don’t smell like a BART station.”

I glared at him with my most evil eye!

[Note: For those of you who have never experienced the pleasure of riding the Bay Area Rapid Transit system in San Francisco, let me explain: You do NOT want to take an elevator or step into an enclosed stairway if you can help it! It stinks to High Heaven … think “urinal!” That’s what the street dwellers think those are, anyway.]

Laughing, he bent to smell my neck and exclaimed, “Mmmmm. LUSH-ous!” And, he was right. I was wearing my “Karma” perfume from LUSH in San Francisco. It doesn’t really smell like San Francisco … Karma smells like lemon grass, oranges, and patchouli … but that’s good enough for me. Unfortunately, that wonderful solid perfume I love is being discontinued! Just my luck.

LUSH in San Francisco

LUSH is the only store that is a requirement of visiting The City. The one I patronize is on Powell Street, just off of Union Square; a tiny shop packed with fresh products for your body and bath (for both men and women) that smell much better than the BART station. I don’t have to tell you the address; just follow your nose!

In fact, I wish this was a scratch and sniff blog! These bath soaps look good enough to eat, but they smell even better.

LUSH bath soaps

Sure, I can go on-line and buy the products, and there are other LUSH stores around the country. But, this store was the first LUSH in the United States, it’s the first one that I visited, and it remains my first stop when I get to San Francisco. It may not smell like San Francisco, but it’s the way San Francisco ought to smell. At least it ought to smell like Karma!

I don’t wear a lot of perfume, because my olfactory system seems to be in constant overdrive. When I do, I’m drawn to scents like patchouli, musk, and sandalwood. I was told long ago that men like the smell of vanilla on a woman. Supposedly scientists did tests to prove that, but Momma always said, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Vanilla smells like baked goods, so I guess she was right.

Do you wear perfume or cologne? What scents are your favorite?