Tag Archive for road rage

A Ditty For Idiot Drivers

We were trying to mitigate our road rage last weekend, as we continuously encountered really stupid drivers. Texas does not have a monopoly on dumb drivers, but because there are a lot of people in the state, it seems like we have more than our fair share. So, my husband and I wrote a little song for those goofballs set to the tune of “Jingle Bells.” Feel free to sing along [note: If you don’t know what a “dingle berry” is, please look it up before you teach this to your kids.]:

Cruising down the lanes
In your beat-up Chevrolet
I see you have no brains
‘Cause you’re texting all the way.
Please put down the phone
You’re going to cause a wreck!
And then the cars will all slow down
For they have to “rubber neck.”

Oh, Dingle berries, Dingle berries,
Swerving ‘cross two lanes.
It’s no fun
To get behind one
Who’s driving with no brains.
Hey!
Dingle berries, Dingle berries,
Swerving ‘cross two lanes.
It’s no fun
To get behind one
Who’s driving with no brains.
Hey!

We thought we’d take a ride
A day or two ago.
We got behind a car
That was driving very slow.
We tried to go around
He then, of course, sped up
And when we got in front
He rode right on our butt.

Oh, Dingle berries, Dingle berries,
Swerving ‘cross two lanes.
It’s no fun
To get behind one
Who’s driving with no brains.
Hey!
Dingle berries, Dingle berries,
Swerving ‘cross two lanes.
It’s no fun
To get behind one
Who’s driving with no brains.
Hey!

An Apology to That Driver

Dear Sir,

I do so apologize for having the audacity to drive in front of you as you raced in your little blue sports car on that winding country road. I know that you were upset that I was blocking your pathway. I could read your lips very clearly in my rear view mirror for the eight long miles we drove together. I am so glad that your Momma didn’t hear what you said, or she would have washed your mouth out with Lifebuoy Soap. Believe me when I tell you from my own experience that Lux soap tastes better!

You made it very clear that I annoyed you as you sped up, dropped back and sped up again almost kissing your front bumper to my back bumper. Unfortunately you couldn’t pass me because of the inconsiderate drivers that kept coming from the other direction. I would have gladly pulled out of your way, but there was no shoulder on the road, and I was afraid of the drop off into the ditch at the side of the road. There were no driveways into which I could pull; and if I had it’s likely that you would have smashed into my rear end before I could have turned. That would have been unfortunate for your lovely little car.

I know you were in a hurry to get where you were going. Perhaps you could have set your alarm earlier and left your house on time. That’s what my Momma would have told me to do.

I dearly hope you will forgive me. I admit that I didn’t know the road well and was looking for the street onto which I needed to turn. That road had more twists and turns than a plot for an episode of Days of Our Lives, didn’t it?. There were signs posted telling us to watch out for deer crossing the road. Can you imagine? I think the highway department should put those deer crossing signs somewhere where it is safer for the deer to cross, don’t you?

I did my best not to annoy you. For your sake, I drove 10 miles an hour above the posted speed limit, even though it was still dark, drizzling rain and the road was slick. Though I was unfamiliar with the road, I was more frightened of you driving less than three feet behind me than I was of any hazards on the road ahead.

Perhaps you are unaware that in the State of Texas, the traffic law requires that you keep one car length distance from the car ahead for every 10 miles per hour of speed. Or, maybe you just aren’t good with math? I can relate to that, because math isn’t my strong suit either, but I can eyeball how long a car is. I don’t think the law meant for you to measure with those Hot Wheels cars you had when you were little, Sir. Of course, the State of Texas also posts speed limit signs, but everyone knows that those are just suggestions.

Though you and I may not speak the same language, I very clearly understood the sign language that you flashed to me when I finally got the opportunity to turn. It was that universal symbol with one finger. All I can say to you, Sir, is “Only in your dreams!”

I doubt that you will read this, but perhaps someone will read it to you. I am quite convinced you cannot read. As you sped away down the highway to your rendezvous with your fate, I saw the bumper sticker on the rear of the car you were driving (surely, it must have been a borrowed car). That bumper sticker said,

“Visualize World Peace.”


May peace begin with you, Sir.

My Regards,

S.K.T.