Tag Archive for Silly Is My Middle Name

Can We Please Re-name Senior Discounts?

Apparently my grocery store has realized that I have “reached a certain age.” It seems that, simply by virtue of the fact that I didn’t die young and leave a good-looking corpse, I now qualify for the “Senior Discount.” They couldn’t just tell me that — no. They print it right there on the receipt and it shows up on the screen as I check out so that everybody and their dogs can see I am a little old lady!

Kroger gives a senior discount

Now, don’t get me wrong: I love a discount, of any kind. I simply bristle at calling this a “Senior” discount, since I’m trying so hard not to look my age! It’s a challenge, let me tell y’all that for a fact.

I pay big money each month to get my white hair dyed red (don’t pretend I haven’t told you … it’s right on the bottom of this blog). I get it cut short and buy expensive gels, so that I can make it look spiky. I buy lotions and potions to lather on my skin daily in the vain hopes of camouflaging the wrinkles and age spots. All that, and THEN Kroger announces to the whole wide world that it’s a sham!

OK. In truth I didn’t expect you to believe I am younger. I don’t even fool myself. Sure, at a distance the illusion works, but when you get up close you either recognize that I’m old or think that I’m a punk rocker who partied waaaay too hard last night.

discounted groceries

At any rate, for all of those groceries, my Senior Discount was only six dollars and thirty-six cents. I realize that $6.36 is better than a kick in the butt … but … it doesn’t make a dent in the bill for my beauty routine.

I still want the discount. Believe it. I’d just like to suggest that Kroger re-name the discount so I can swallow the indignity a little better. Why not call it the “Little Old Lady Discount” … they could call it the “LOL Discount” for short.

I’d LOL out loud all the way to the car.

It Was A Sabbatical

“Did you get lost in the shopping mall?” my reader asked. “Why aren’t you blogging?” No, I did not get lost in the shopping mall, and clearly she doesn’t know me very well. It takes an act of Congress to get me to enter the mall. Y’all realize, of course, that our current Congress rarely acts, so that pretty much means you won’t see me mall hopping anytime soon (don’t get me wrong: I enjoy shopping, but I get my retail therapy at locally owned businesses and at thrift stores).

Black Friday Campers

No! Not at that store! I boycott this particular store, so that’s definitely not me in the picture! I was not one of the campers outside of this chain store waiting on Black Friday. Those lunatics gave up Thanksgiving for a shopping spree! Not me. Far be it from me to give up a “bird in hand” (read “turkey dinner”) for a “bargain” at Best Buy. Those folks acted like Black Friday was some kind of holiday! The last I checked, it’s not … in fact there is nothing “holy” about it. I don’t understand that kind of shopping lust. I do not shop on Black Friday. Partly that is because I don’t own any pepper spray to keep away the other shoppers and partly because I’m not dumb enough to shop in a herd. I don’t swim with piranhas, either.

So, if I wasn’t shopping, where have I been? You could call it “on sabbatical.” I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before I “went.” It was a spur of the moment thing. “Sabbatical” could be my euphemism for “sitting on the couch eating bonbons while watching daytime television.” I actually did do a little bit of that, and can now quote Ellen as fluently as I once quoted Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. I can, too, smartypants! I’ll show you! Which of the following quotes is by Goethe, and which is by Ellen:

  • A. “Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.”
  • B. “A man’s manners are a mirror in which he shows his portrait.”

If you guessed “A” or “B,” you are correct. Give yourself a bonbon. If you didn’t get the right answer, go look it up. Googling is good for you.

Speaking of “bonbons” and “Johann”s, did you know that bonbons inspired Johann Strauss II to write a waltz? They did. It’s called “Wiener Bonbons,” which doesn’t sound very appetizing at all, does it?! However, “Wiener” means “Vienna,” and Vienna is where he found bonbons, which makes it OK. [So, “Vienna” sausages are “wiener” wieners?]

Oh, my Thunder. Sabbatical seems to have made me go silly. Or else it was the chocolate.

In answer to my reader’s question which was (in case my meanderings have thrown you off track), “Why aren’t you blogging?”: I’ve been “filling the well.” I tell storytelling students, “You cannot tell a good story if you have no life experience. You must get up from the computer and step away from the television and live a little. You have to fill the well of the imagination.”

The same goes for blogging. I was in desperate need of some inspiration, so I’ve been out in the wide world these last few weeks trying to find it. How? Well, I’ve been reading real books, visiting museums, shopping at new-to-me stores in Denton, visiting with friends, and trying new craft projects. I’ve worked in my yard and tried my hand at de-cluttering my house. I’ve gone to the movies and gone out to eat.

It all helped.

Now, I’m ready to sit back down at the computer and journey onward. While I might not write every day, I have some ideas I want to share, some new “hangouts” that I want to tell you about, and probably a lot of silly drivel to impart. I hope that you’ll come along for the ride.

Dear Ellen Degeneres, You Steered Me Wrong!

Dear Ellen Degeneres,
I am so disappointed in you! After Oprah left, I thought you would be the “new guru,” telling all of us out in television viewer land how we should think and what we should do. The truth is that you were always my guru; I admit I have a girl crush on you (but let’s keep that between you and me and the gatepost, shall we?). I have always believed everything you told me, because I thought you had integrity. I thought that you would always tell me the truth.

Now, I know better.

Do you remember that show you did — the one where you gave audience members makeovers and whitened a woman’s teeth using that product that has the light thingie that you shine on your teeth? Sure you do.

light thingie for Luster

You raved about that product … you promised that it worked. In fact, you even gave everyone in the studio audience one of them! Boy howdy, did they squeal about that, but they didn’t know what I now know. And, by the way, I can’t figure out why you don’t send me things like that since I am your biggest fan (well, maybe not your biggest fan … I’ve seen some of those ladies in the audience. I’m big, but at least I know better than to wear Spandex). Anyway, I digress. Let me just say that I believed your endorsement of the product.

I admire you so much that not long ago I even cut my hair so I could look like you! I do look a little like you (if you squint) … except for my wrinkles and my dyed red hair. OK, maybe I don’t look much like you, but we both have two eyes a nose and a mouth that are situated in approximately similar places on our faces. I like the haircut … it made me look younger. I decided I wanted to whiten my teeth, too (because you said that’s supposed to make you look younger, as well). I had tried all those strips and toothpastes and such, but none of them worked.

I bought that product that you recommended and was so excited to bring it home and use it. I expected the miracle that you promised! What a silly fool am I. I opened up that box like it was a Christmas present. First I pulled out the chart they give you with different colored teeth, so you can compare yours and track your progress.

tooth color chart

What a load of malarkey! Hold this computer up at the mirror and compare your teeth to these! These are all shades of gray or brown! Nobody’s teeth match that. Even the homeless guy down on the square (whose few teeth are every color of the rainbow) doesn’t have any teeth that match these colors. Even the whitest of the ones they show isn’t “white.” That didn’t bode well, but since “Ellen said it,” I decided to go ahead and try it.

There’s this bottle of stuff that you are supposed to swish around in your mouth … then you paint your teeth with another liquid, and then train that light on your mouth for two minutes. You aren’t supposed to let that paint touch your lips or tongue. How in Thunder can you keep that from happening? I slathered myself with Vaseline Petroleum Jelly and did those applications. The box told me that in ten applications I’d see a difference, and that in twenty I would have teeth that were a shade whiter. It said that I could do this in an hour.

What with swishing and painting and lighting twenty times, it took me two and a half hours! I was so busy swishing that I missed watching your show! When I was done, I looked at my teeth and I didn’t see much difference at all. Then I read the rest of that brochure and saw that it told me that I should avoid coffee, colas, blueberries, ketchup, soy sauce, and tobacco for 24 hours.

Crap. I wish I had read that first! I immediately started craving a double latte, blueberry pancakes with ketchup, some lo mein, and a tin of snuff! I’ve been sitting here jonesing for 24 hours, and I’ve been huffing because my teeth don’t seem noticeably whiter. We are not amused!

How could you do this? Now, I know that you have sold out.
As I said, I’m disappointed in you. In fact, just to show you how much … I’m going to start watching Judge Judy instead of you! Judge Judy is a mean old broad (and she never tells people to “Be kind to one another”), but at least I know that Judge Judy tells it like it is. She didn’t sell out to corporate America.

I can’t believe that my Ellen has steered me wrong. I’m out forty-some-odd bucks, my lips are chapped, my nerves are frayed, my teeth aren’t white, and two and a half hours of my life are gone … and I’ll never get those back!

I think I’m going to go have a latte and a dip of snuff.

Signed,
Your former biggest fan.